When to Say 'When'

As our children get older and more independent, it's very difficult to recognize our need to construct new boundaries. Giving a 16 year-old a few bucks to enjoy a summer day at the pool with friends is far different from giving a 25 year-old money to do the same thing.

The former is intended as a treat to enjoy childhood. The second could result in delaying a smoother transition into adulthood.

Confusing? You bet.

The issue comes into play when we as parents struggle with letting our babies suffer.

Even if they're adults.

Think of your own passage into adulthood.

I can understand if your transition story is extraordinarily difficult. Many of my clients were treated harshly as teens and forced to give up their childhoods much too soon. If you're one of those folks, I'm sorry.

Yet we can't go to the opposite extreme and delay the natural maturing process in our children by keeping them dependent on us.

It sounds so heartless, especially since most of us parents usually have more expendable income. I mean, if we have it why shouldn't we share it with our kids?

Because it stunts their decision-making skills (e.g. "if I spend this money on fast food now I won't be able to go to the movies with my friends this weekend...").

It also teaches our children that they don't REALLY have to be inconvenienced (e.g. "I know this money is supposed to last all month but Mom always gives in and gives me more. I can spend this now and she'll help me out.").

What I suggest is that you look at the long-term goals you have for your kids.
Do you want them to be able to do without things and gain a sense of pride as they work to provide for themselves?

Here's the real question:

Is it more rewarding for you to have them rely (read:depend) on you than it would be to watch them be independent?

It's tricky, that's for sure.

For this week, try this:

Don't rush to step in for your adult children to make things easier for them. Allow yourself to watch them figure things out for themselves.

Sit on your hands, hide your wallet, bite your tongue.

Emotionally expect them to be able to make decisions and then live with those decisions.
Eventually they will be better off due to their improved decision-making skills.

And eventually, so will you.

Learn to Make Better Choices

Most people find it difficult to make good choices. Without some form of guidance many of us flounder aimlessly until we make a spontaneous decision or even no decision at all.

Then hindsight reveals how uninformed we really were; the consequences seem to far outweigh the original choices.

That's why I've created the phrase 'Aggravation Fee.'

Using this term can enable anyone to gain confidence while learning to make better decisions.

Let me explain what I mean.

Imagine yourself shopping and you stumble upon a really good deal. Let's say for example it's a pair of shoes that would be just perfect for you. They fit beautifully, are comfortable, and for some unknown reason make you feel ten pounds thinner and look three inches taller.

You hesitate to purchase these shoes because they are a few dollars more than you're willing to spend. You hem and haw and walk around them and finally decide to put them back (some people even admit to hiding these items in hopes no one else will ever find them).

You rationalize your hesitation by saying things like,

"I'll wait for a sale," or "If they're still here next time I shop I'll buy them."

My favorite excuse is "If it's the Lord's Will they'll be here AND on sale."

Then guess what happens.

You come back for them and they're gone.

You even look through the displays and around the store to see if maybe someone put them in the wrong place. You check other store branches in hopes they might still have them. You would even pay full price or more if you could just have the chance to buy those shoes.

No luck.

Now you're upset.

You berate yourself because once again you blew it.

Suddenly a simple pair of shoes becomes the ONE THING you need to make your life better. Your wardrobe reminds you of your failure; every clothing combination seems shabby because the only thing that could make it work is the perfect pair of shoes you let slip away.

You, my friend, have just paid an 'Aggravation Fee.'

An aggravation fee is what you pay each time you decide to take the easiest or least complicated choice in a situation. The aggravation you experience, whether it be in regret or irritation, has a value attached to it. The time lost and stress associated with that pair of shoes far outweighed their initial cost.

So when you're facing a choice, say, whether to avoid a phone call or to simply take a deep breath and make the call, consider the aggravation fee.

Is procrastination worth paying the aggravation fee or should you just do the task ?

Would you have more peace if you don't go out with that group of irritating friends this time?

Should you get gas for the car now while you have time or are you willing to risk the inconvenience of waiting? Then, of course, it'll be raining and you'll be late for work and you'll kick yourself. The aggravation again may outweigh a little inconvenience early on.

It IS possible to make good choices.

Using the concept of aggravation fee will allow you to weigh your options and choose wisely.

You will likely lessen your stress and even have time to buy more shoes.