Be Careful What You Say

Relationships can be confusing. If you're in one, have been in one, are heading toward one, or know someone whose in one you know what I mean.

One of the most difficult aspect of relating to someone else is being able to trust them, or to believe what they say over time.

I say that because I often observe the different stages of people in their relationships, from the initial 'are you for real because you're so wonderful' all the way to the 'you expect me to believe you for real?' stage.

We build our knowledge of our loved ones based on what they say and do. We want to know that our information is accurate so we can have a consistent picture of them. We look for traits and attitudes we admire.

So what happens when there is a disconnect between what they say and what they do? What if they are very opinionated yet very inconsistent in their own lives?

For example, I once knew a very conservative business owner who was definitely the head of the household. He had high standards for his family and they were very faithful in church participation. I admired them for their consistency.
Until I learned that in his business he sold cigarettes and alcohol along with his other products.

Now I don't want you to think I'm being judgmental; I simply wondered if I really knew this family- if this inconsistency was acceptable to them what else was I missing?

Recently I have heard stories of spats between couples because he doesn't want her to go out with her friends. She feels he's being controlling and disapproving of these friends.

She has forgotten about all the times he has listened to her gripe and complain and vent about these same friends to him; if he loves her he will feel protective and want to shield her from such negativity and bad influences.

Then she turns around and wants to go out with them and expects his blessing!

How confusing.

So it makes me wonder how many times I've been too liberal in my opinions and who I shared them with. How many times I've painted a black picture about people or things and then turned around and embraced them. Am I giving those who love me the wrong idea about me? Am I doing it so often they push me away because they can't believe anything I say anymore?

We need to filter what we say. Not out of over-protectiveness but rather, is it really true or a spur of the moment temper tantrum? Am I ultimately lying?

In this year of taking personal responsibility let me challenge you to consider your comments and behavior. Make sure you live what you believe. Don't expect your loved ones to know what you mean- say what you mean.

And then live what you mean.

Telling Yourself the Truth

While it's a challenge to identify the need to tell the truth and then actually do it, I find it even more difficult to be truthful when the culprit is ME.

Sure, I can admit my wrongdoing when I drop and break something or forget an appointment. Those snafus are obvious to anyone who lives and breathes.

In fact, I'm pretty comfortable apologizing to my friends and loved ones since I have to do it so often; maybe I should get some fancy 'oops' cards printed and just hand them out en masse when I do make a mistake. That would save a lot of energy on everyone's part.

However, what do we do when we know we've really stuck our foot in our mouths, said or did the wrong thing, and there were serious repercussions? Feelings are crushed and relationships are mangled.

After we've worked hard to fix the error there are the inevitable consequences:

The dish is still broken,

The words are still floating in the air after having been said in anger,

The heart is still bleeding although not quite as badly.

Our tendency is to put the episode behind us as if it never happened. We try to pretend everything is cool, although there is a tension in the air as if we're waiting for tragic news.

In essence, we try to move ahead from a painful experience by...lying.

It's okay,

We'll be okay,

I'm okay.

When enough time has lapsed we begin the healing process by excusing our behavior. We try to justify what we said and did. When that doesn't work we start blaming the other person; they made me mad, they don't understand my wonderfulness, they should be grateful I didn't say what I WANTED to say...

But really, let's stop here and finally get real. Face it.

Be willing to pick up the burden of acknowledging that you (yes, YOU)were....wrong.

Wrong

Wrong

Wrong

Oxford Complete Wordfinder defines the word in part: 'to be mistaken, not true, in error, amiss, out of order, treat unjustly, do something wrong to.' And so on.

But here's the thing. To admit wrong doing is not the same thing as rolling around in sackcloth and ashes. No one is expecting you to publicly whip yourself in repentence.

How pointless and tedious it would be to have you endlessly apologize ("Ma, you burned the spaghetti sauce in 1992. Really, it's time to move on already.").

By telling yourself the truth you are making a point that you are teachable and that you can change. That you have character and are willing to take the bad news, internalize it to the point where you grow and then can forgive yourself for what you said or did.

I hate the thought of going through a tough time and not learning anything from it. That means the next time (and oh, brother, there will be a next time) I mess up perhaps it won't be so devastating because I'll have learned from the last time. Otherwise I'm just continually trying to walk through a locked door.

That bumping sound you hear is my head endlessly hitting the wall.

Tell yourself the truth. Demonstrate in your own life how you'd like others to react when they're confronted with truth.

Take a deep breath. Let it out. State internally what you did in this situation. List it and acknowledge to yourself and to God that you blew it.

Allow yourself to experience the regret you feel and the sadness you are experiencing for a short time. Be thoughtful and considerate of the events that just occurred.

Here's the tough part. Get up, keep going.

But leave the burden of guilt and judgement behind. By telling yourself the truth and dealing with it, you've just released yourself from that weight.

Accept that fact and consider yourself older and wiser.

Telling the Truth Part Two

I was brought up to believe that it is crucial to tell the truth at all times.
That if I got caught lying I'd get a whupping.
That God knows if you're trying to get away with something and He'll nab you.
That it's always better to tell the truth no matter what.

I remember the quandry that teaching put me in when Aunt Tessie asked me if I liked her crocheted toilet paper holder and I really didn't. If I told the truth I would hurt her feelings but if I lied to spare Aunt Tessie's feelings I'd get whupped by my parents AND God.

I couldn't win!

No wonder so many of us would rather float by with a little white lie than to risk the consequences of telling the truth.

On the other hand, I've been victimized by those who grasp that 'truth at any cost' concept and use the truth to grind me into the ground. I've been told I'm fat, stupid, silly, and a bad wife by one relative who commonly used 'truth' to beat the tar out of anyone who protested.

"Well, I'm sorry, but it's the TRUTH!" We'd be told while we're licking our wounds.

Friends, that's not the type of truth I'm talking about. It's not okay to totally destroy someone by our opinion and then defend ourselves by claiming it's the truth. No one is nurtured by that form of truth nor does anyone learn positive behaviors and attitudes from it.

I call that the 'steamroller' brand of truth telling and I cringe when I witness it.

I've seen Moms tell their children they can't have any more candy because they're too fat.
I've heard husbands tell their wives they're not as pretty as the actress on TV.
I've observed parents telling their children they're too clumsly to take dance lessons.

All of these comments, while truthful, are destructive and I'm against it.

I'm not telling you to lie; I'm asking you to rephrase your comment so it is uplifting rather than hurtful. I'm suggesting you deflect questions you might find difficult.

In Bible college we were taught how to answer difficult questions. One great example:
"Isn''t my baby beautiful?"
(Frankly my friends, they aren't all Gerber babies!)
Here's the standard suggested answer:
"My, that certainly IS a baby, isn't it?"

I think it's possible to be totally truthful without being a real meanie about it. Think ahead, don't attack out of anger, deflect.

It can be done.

Telling the Truth

Most people claim that they always tell the truth; they indignantly deny that they lie.
They don't cheat on their taxes, crossword puzzles, or their spouses. They attend church, put in an honest days' work for an honest days' pay. They 'fess up if they receive too much change back from a purchase.

Good for them.

But folks are less-than-truthful when they think someone's feelings might be hurt or they themselves may look bad in some way.

Think about it.

You learn that Sadie is in trouble at work because she wears her skirts too high and her tops too low. Everyone knows about it since it's been a topic of conversation at the lunch table for months.

Everyone except Sadie, that is. And Sadie's a nice girl, she really is. Smart and friendly and very easy to talk to. Ummmm....but probably not about this.

So when she says in a hurt voice that people are looking at her strangely and talking about her and she doesn't understand why and the bosses are grumbling but no one tells her anything and she's going crazy with worry what do you do?

What would most of us do? Lie. We say we don't understand either. It will be okay. We tell her not to worry about it; that she's just imagining it.

But we don't tell her, in true caring fashion, that the problem is her work attire. That we are concerned as her friend and know she's unaware of how it appears to the boss. We don't have any thoughtful suggestions available: maybe a sweater, scarf, or pair of leggings may be helpful.

We keep the information to ourselves even though it kills us to do so; we've been taught 'if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.' We think we're being nice because we don't want to hurt Sadie's feelings.

What we don't realize is that by not telling Sadie the truth we are hurting her even more. We aren't giving her a chance to know the truth so she can deal with it. We are leaving her to fend for herself without the correct information. Ultimately, when (and if) Sadie discovers we've known the problem all along she will be hurt even more thinking we conspired against her.

I know I've experienced painful situations where everyone knew my problem but me. It wasn't about my clothing but actually about ME. When I finally learned of it I felt betrayed that no one cared enough about me to tell me the truth.

So here's what I've developed to help in the decision-making process when I had information and I wasn't sure I should keep it to myself. I ask myself the question:

"If it were me in that situation would I want/need to know?"

If the answer is yes, I know I have to tell the truth because I really care for the other person. I don't want them to be outside the loop, especially if the situation involves their health, happiness, or state of mind.

If the answer is no, if it would make no difference in the final outcome, I keep the news to myself.

More on telling the truth on my next blog.

In the meantime, if you have any comments please feel free to add them here.
Plus, if you want a copy of 'Top Tips for Managing Anger" you can email me @ stlwazzy@aol.com.