Being Truthful

You know how I determine if I'm supposed to tell someone something that might offend them or hurt their feelings?

I don't want to do it.

I hem and haw and delay. I tell God that I'm just being patient and that maybe I misunderstood what I saw and/or heard. I mean, if I'm wrong it will create unnecessary pain in that relationship and who needs that?

But I've learned over time that my hesitation is a signal to me. It means my attitude and heart is right before God; when I do share my concerns with someone it's not because I can but because I have to.

When I was a much younger Christian, I thought it was my (gleeful) duty to point out the flaws of others.

Not necessarily to the offender, but to anyone within listening distance. I mean, I don't want a confrontation, right?

I realized later (having also been the recipient of that behavior and being really injured) that what I was doing was not helping the person. Rather, it was gossip.

So now I find it better to ask myself, "If I were in this situation, would I want to know?" If the answer is 'yes' I force myself to discuss it with the person. If the answer is "No, it wouldn't change anything or help" I keep it to myself.

I am not the Holy Spirit. I don't want to wave my righteous finger in front of anyone.

But if it were me and I knew the person talking to me did it for the right reason I'd be able to listen.

And hopefully change.

Telling the Truth

Most people claim that they always tell the truth; they indignantly deny that they lie.
They don't cheat on their taxes, crossword puzzles, or their spouses. They attend church, put in an honest days' work for an honest days' pay. They 'fess up if they receive too much change back from a purchase.

Good for them.

But folks are less-than-truthful when they think someone's feelings might be hurt or they themselves may look bad in some way.

Think about it.

You learn that Sadie is in trouble at work because she wears her skirts too high and her tops too low. Everyone knows about it since it's been a topic of conversation at the lunch table for months.

Everyone except Sadie, that is. And Sadie's a nice girl, she really is. Smart and friendly and very easy to talk to. Ummmm....but probably not about this.

So when she says in a hurt voice that people are looking at her strangely and talking about her and she doesn't understand why and the bosses are grumbling but no one tells her anything and she's going crazy with worry what do you do?

What would most of us do? Lie. We say we don't understand either. It will be okay. We tell her not to worry about it; that she's just imagining it.

But we don't tell her, in true caring fashion, that the problem is her work attire. That we are concerned as her friend and know she's unaware of how it appears to the boss. We don't have any thoughtful suggestions available: maybe a sweater, scarf, or pair of leggings may be helpful.

We keep the information to ourselves even though it kills us to do so; we've been taught 'if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.' We think we're being nice because we don't want to hurt Sadie's feelings.

What we don't realize is that by not telling Sadie the truth we are hurting her even more. We aren't giving her a chance to know the truth so she can deal with it. We are leaving her to fend for herself without the correct information. Ultimately, when (and if) Sadie discovers we've known the problem all along she will be hurt even more thinking we conspired against her.

I know I've experienced painful situations where everyone knew my problem but me. It wasn't about my clothing but actually about ME. When I finally learned of it I felt betrayed that no one cared enough about me to tell me the truth.

So here's what I've developed to help in the decision-making process when I had information and I wasn't sure I should keep it to myself. I ask myself the question:

"If it were me in that situation would I want/need to know?"

If the answer is yes, I know I have to tell the truth because I really care for the other person. I don't want them to be outside the loop, especially if the situation involves their health, happiness, or state of mind.

If the answer is no, if it would make no difference in the final outcome, I keep the news to myself.

More on telling the truth on my next blog.

In the meantime, if you have any comments please feel free to add them here.
Plus, if you want a copy of 'Top Tips for Managing Anger" you can email me @ stlwazzy@aol.com.