Being a Pundit

When you read the title of this post I bet you thought,

"What on EARTH is a pundit?"

The Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a pundit as:

A person who gives opinions in an authoritative manner usually through the mass media: critic.

Those of you who are on Facebook have encountered a pundit; you know, those who opine about politics, religion, finances...

It seems like most folks who have access to any form of social media feel they know more than most when it comes to opinions. No matter if these people have any experience or education in these particular areas; they feel they have the right to express themselves freely (they often cite the Constitution as if they helped write it).

Personally, I get irritated when I'm reading a pleasant little feel-good article about someones' pet llama who rescues them from a burning building. Then when I scroll down to view the comments someone ALWAYS jumps in with a stupid job ad, a rude comment about a political party, or a nasty jab at someone elses' comments.

It makes me want to demand proof of their educational background. Are they political science graduates? Life-long politicians' kids? Are they stunningly slender due to a magic diet pill or doctors who've spent years learning about metabolism? Are they trained behaviorists who know all about llamas?

I tend to think most of the nasty ones are/were bullies in grade school.

But to be honest, I'm guilty of being a pundit myself. About lots of things. Without credibility to make me an expert.

I give my opinion about decorating. Clothing and hair. Whether the recipe needs more salt. Whether dear hubby should use a certain route when driving. Whether the preacher used enough Scripture in last weeks' sermon.

I get into trouble when I read up and study something, amass every bit of information about it, and never experience it myself. I could use my tendency to read cookbooks as a prime example.

For instance, I want to try to ski. Those of you who have read past blogs understand how foolish this desire is since I can't even stand on a flat, solid surface without falling down.

But I still want to try it. So I've read up on it, watched videos, talked about it to those who have skiied. You'd think I was an expert except for one thing.

I've never done it.

My credibility as a pundit crashes and burns on the subject of skiing.

Here's another example: Someone you know isn't living with integrity. They just can't seem to get it right. You know they need to align themselves with godly people, immerse themselves in church and study the Bible. You KNOW this is the right thing to do.

This knowledge should make you an expert/pundit except for one thing:

You haven't gone to church for months, don't know where your Bible is, and are more comfortable with the bar crowd than the church crowd.

Here's what I'm getting at:

If you want to be a pundit, you'd better make very sure you have action to back up your words. If you still want to expound and expand upon your opinion, DO something to make your words credible. Otherwise, keep your opinion/thoughts to yourself lest you become yet another voice that is all sound and no substance.

And that's my expert opinion.

Telling Yourself the Truth

While it's a challenge to identify the need to tell the truth and then actually do it, I find it even more difficult to be truthful when the culprit is ME.

Sure, I can admit my wrongdoing when I drop and break something or forget an appointment. Those snafus are obvious to anyone who lives and breathes.

In fact, I'm pretty comfortable apologizing to my friends and loved ones since I have to do it so often; maybe I should get some fancy 'oops' cards printed and just hand them out en masse when I do make a mistake. That would save a lot of energy on everyone's part.

However, what do we do when we know we've really stuck our foot in our mouths, said or did the wrong thing, and there were serious repercussions? Feelings are crushed and relationships are mangled.

After we've worked hard to fix the error there are the inevitable consequences:

The dish is still broken,

The words are still floating in the air after having been said in anger,

The heart is still bleeding although not quite as badly.

Our tendency is to put the episode behind us as if it never happened. We try to pretend everything is cool, although there is a tension in the air as if we're waiting for tragic news.

In essence, we try to move ahead from a painful experience by...lying.

It's okay,

We'll be okay,

I'm okay.

When enough time has lapsed we begin the healing process by excusing our behavior. We try to justify what we said and did. When that doesn't work we start blaming the other person; they made me mad, they don't understand my wonderfulness, they should be grateful I didn't say what I WANTED to say...

But really, let's stop here and finally get real. Face it.

Be willing to pick up the burden of acknowledging that you (yes, YOU)were....wrong.

Wrong

Wrong

Wrong

Oxford Complete Wordfinder defines the word in part: 'to be mistaken, not true, in error, amiss, out of order, treat unjustly, do something wrong to.' And so on.

But here's the thing. To admit wrong doing is not the same thing as rolling around in sackcloth and ashes. No one is expecting you to publicly whip yourself in repentence.

How pointless and tedious it would be to have you endlessly apologize ("Ma, you burned the spaghetti sauce in 1992. Really, it's time to move on already.").

By telling yourself the truth you are making a point that you are teachable and that you can change. That you have character and are willing to take the bad news, internalize it to the point where you grow and then can forgive yourself for what you said or did.

I hate the thought of going through a tough time and not learning anything from it. That means the next time (and oh, brother, there will be a next time) I mess up perhaps it won't be so devastating because I'll have learned from the last time. Otherwise I'm just continually trying to walk through a locked door.

That bumping sound you hear is my head endlessly hitting the wall.

Tell yourself the truth. Demonstrate in your own life how you'd like others to react when they're confronted with truth.

Take a deep breath. Let it out. State internally what you did in this situation. List it and acknowledge to yourself and to God that you blew it.

Allow yourself to experience the regret you feel and the sadness you are experiencing for a short time. Be thoughtful and considerate of the events that just occurred.

Here's the tough part. Get up, keep going.

But leave the burden of guilt and judgement behind. By telling yourself the truth and dealing with it, you've just released yourself from that weight.

Accept that fact and consider yourself older and wiser.

The Truth Hurts

It's really easy to discuss truth and it's merits when it applies to someone else:
THEY should understand the truth,
SHE needs to get her act together,
HE needs to accept what's really going on.

I've discovered that it's an entirely different story when the person who must acknowledge the truth turns out to be YOU.

Isn't it remarkable how even our description of events slants heavily in our defense, i.e.,
"I 'only' wanted to help, "
"I'm 'just' telling you how I feel,"
"I'm 'confused' by your reaction."

The blame, however, sounds like this:
"You're 'crazy' if you think I'm wrong,"
"You're 'selfish' to not appreciate me,"
"They are 'disrespectful' by forgetting my birthday."

As we discuss the value of truth, let's not overlook a very crucial component of it:

Telling OURSELVES the truth.

I think it's interesting to observe the many times I/we/they/you rationalize our own thoughts and behaviors. We don't fully investigate just why we want to do and say this stuff. We go off on a rampage, often with good intentions, trying to do something we think is good and right.

Then we are totally annihilated to learn we've blown it and caused trouble.

Maybe the person we helped didn't want or need it.
Maybe the comment we thought would help turned out to be the worst thing ever to say.
Maybe, with good intentions, we tidied up and accidently threw away Aunt Tillies' ashes that were stored in that old, broken box on the shelf.

Oops.

So after the fact, we are faced with hurt, bewilderment, confusion. You feel shock that something you thought was a good thing turned out to be a terrible thing after all.

Here come the choices you have to make:
1). You could become angry. Self-righteous anger always sounds good at the beginning. You could rant and rave and tell everyone you know how misunderstood you are. Plus the story, over time, will become even bigger and your victimization can grow exponentially.

2). You could become a martyr. There's some satisfaction to be enjoyed when you convince yourself and everyone else how you give and give and THIS is what you get for it.
Mankind might even construct a statue in your honor someday.

3). Or you could do the hard work of trying to see how your action or comment really came across to the other person:
Was I sensitive?
Was I timely?
Did it have to be said and/or done the way it was?
Did I assume a reaction that couldn't have occurred?
Did I try to manipulate or pressure the other person to give in to me?
Was the situation necessary or could it have waited?

Here's the thing about being truthful to yourself: it's HARD. It's hard to admit you messed up if you answer the above questions in a way that reveals your fault.

But it's important to be able to tell yourself and admit the truth.
The truth says, yes, I meant well (maybe) but it was done poorly. I messed up. I need to reexamine my intentions. I need to determine how I can avoid that calamity again.

It hurts. But the pain associated with telling yourself the truth is a healing pain. It isn't designed to maim and destroy but to help aid growth and enhance character.

Think about your relationships. Remember your surprise and delight when someone dear to you admitted they were wrong about something (not that they 'gave in' and you won the fight) and apologized. Recall the respect you felt for their ability to admit a mistake and be strong enough to tell you.

Please don't fear telling yourself the truth. No judgements or criticisms. Just the truth.

Then move on.

Even More About Truth

I'd like to suggest we always tell the truth and here's why:

We want to be safe.

There's nothing like being in a relationship where you are safe and free from fear. Where you know that if someone tells you something you can rely on that information and take appropriate action. Even if the news is painful you are shielded from criticism and rejection because you know the person sharing it has no destructive motives.

I strive to be that kind of person. It's a true honor when someone seeks your opinion and believes what you say. From clothing choices to paint colors to the choice of a mate, it's important to be the person who is known for being truthful and offering safety while doing it.

I was taught that in order to have a friend you have to be a friend. In order to be safe you must offer safety. In order to have someone be truthful you must be truthful yourself.

Again, this goes back to my former blog that discusses our motives. If your motive is to be useful and you desire to tell the truth because it will be helpful, through practice and effort, the same will be given you.

It may not happen right away. You may have to be the loving truth teller all by yourself for a while.

But once your offer of safety is recognized who knows? You may be the catalyst for changing an entire group of friends. Or family. Or church.

And that's the truth.

Telling the Truth

Most people claim that they always tell the truth; they indignantly deny that they lie.
They don't cheat on their taxes, crossword puzzles, or their spouses. They attend church, put in an honest days' work for an honest days' pay. They 'fess up if they receive too much change back from a purchase.

Good for them.

But folks are less-than-truthful when they think someone's feelings might be hurt or they themselves may look bad in some way.

Think about it.

You learn that Sadie is in trouble at work because she wears her skirts too high and her tops too low. Everyone knows about it since it's been a topic of conversation at the lunch table for months.

Everyone except Sadie, that is. And Sadie's a nice girl, she really is. Smart and friendly and very easy to talk to. Ummmm....but probably not about this.

So when she says in a hurt voice that people are looking at her strangely and talking about her and she doesn't understand why and the bosses are grumbling but no one tells her anything and she's going crazy with worry what do you do?

What would most of us do? Lie. We say we don't understand either. It will be okay. We tell her not to worry about it; that she's just imagining it.

But we don't tell her, in true caring fashion, that the problem is her work attire. That we are concerned as her friend and know she's unaware of how it appears to the boss. We don't have any thoughtful suggestions available: maybe a sweater, scarf, or pair of leggings may be helpful.

We keep the information to ourselves even though it kills us to do so; we've been taught 'if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.' We think we're being nice because we don't want to hurt Sadie's feelings.

What we don't realize is that by not telling Sadie the truth we are hurting her even more. We aren't giving her a chance to know the truth so she can deal with it. We are leaving her to fend for herself without the correct information. Ultimately, when (and if) Sadie discovers we've known the problem all along she will be hurt even more thinking we conspired against her.

I know I've experienced painful situations where everyone knew my problem but me. It wasn't about my clothing but actually about ME. When I finally learned of it I felt betrayed that no one cared enough about me to tell me the truth.

So here's what I've developed to help in the decision-making process when I had information and I wasn't sure I should keep it to myself. I ask myself the question:

"If it were me in that situation would I want/need to know?"

If the answer is yes, I know I have to tell the truth because I really care for the other person. I don't want them to be outside the loop, especially if the situation involves their health, happiness, or state of mind.

If the answer is no, if it would make no difference in the final outcome, I keep the news to myself.

More on telling the truth on my next blog.

In the meantime, if you have any comments please feel free to add them here.
Plus, if you want a copy of 'Top Tips for Managing Anger" you can email me @ stlwazzy@aol.com.