California Dreaming

Hi Everyone!
I just got back from a week in California where the average temperature was 75-80 degrees.

Jealous?

Wow, I thought St. Louis drivers had a death wish.  Drivers in LA must do the 'bumper car' method of navigation: just keep going until you 'bump' into something.

Of course, that something could be a trash can, pedestrian, or another car.  It's all the same to them.

Fearless, that's what they are.  Or clueless.  Or just so self-absorbed and distracted they don't even know that their lives just passed before their eyes.

But I knew! It was amazing how many drivers tried to get into the same small place on the freeway.  Then I discovered that my braking foot was less cramped when I spent the ride either looking at the houses built high up or by staring at my knees.I cleaned my purse several times, too.  And checked my cell phone.

Don and I went to CA to visit dear daughter Kari and her hubby Gareth.  Plus our two grand-kitties.  We drove around locally in Sherman Oaks and went to the Santa Monica Pier.  There Kari and I watched both Don and Gareth take surfing lessons.  Poor Don was the oldest student on the beach and he worked so hard to keep up with everyone (personally, I thought he did great; I don't think I'd have even survived donning the wet suit...).

Of note was all the quality time I spent with my baby girl.  We shopped ourselves to death and I even tried on jeans (now THAT'S love!).  We talked and talked and caught up on life.  I bet we shopped everyday for at least 3 hours, more on other days.  Normally I would start whining about 2 hours into a shopping trip but this time I had the stamina of 10 men (or a mom with a preschooler).

It got me to thinking about situations we get ourselves into and how difficult the journey can be.  We feel isolated, exhausted and hopeless crawling through the challenges.  Sometimes even having 'encouragers' along doesn't help much, especially those who spout platitudes about how we need to trust and pray more.

But put us with someone who is meaningful in our lives, someone who knows us and is willing to travel with us and we can find that extra ounce of strength and courage to keep going. Those friends/relatives are few and far between but well worth hanging on to.  I hope you have such a person in your life.

Even to trying on jeans.

Celebration of Life...And Death

The month of May has been challenging to say the least.
(And the 'least' I say the better, right?)

Early in May my family had the privilege of hosting/attending the 90th birthday of my Dad.  It was fun to do, especially since my sister-in-law Sally did most of the work while the rest of us did whatever she wanted us to do.

For once.

Anyway, that gathering was a great blessing to me, as it brought many friends, family, and associates together to honor my Dad and let him know how he had influenced them over the years.

It was a blessing too because I was able to work alongside my siblings in a way we rarely-if ever-get to do.
I was able to witness what other families see as commonplace- everyone working together for a common goal.

I knew my Dad had gained many friends over the years.  But to hear them share their pleasure at being included in this celebration really showed me that I'm in a pretty cool family. It was a joyful experience.

The following week I was notified of the death of a dear church lady.  This widow lady was someone I would call a 'delightful disaster.'  Ruth was the smartest, sweetest, most clueless person I ever met.  Everyone who knew her would just smile, shake their heads and say, "Bless her heart."

My most memorable experience with Ruth was the time she asked me to go with her to her late husband's graveside.  Once we got there she pulled her ukelele out of it's battered case, sat down on the grave and began playing and singing, 'Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey?"  It felt weird; but not much really felt weird around Ruth.

Ruth never met an animal she didn't love; she had nicknames and endearments for everyone's pets and remembered their names.  Interestingly, one of her requests for those attending her viewing or funeral was to bring their pet.  As I stood beside her casket I thought it was somehow fitting that my dog Teddy was there too.

As I left the funeral home that evening, I was struck by how similar yet different these two life events were.

One, my Dad's birthday, was celebrating his long life and the gathering of dear friends.

The other, Ruth's funeral, was also a celebration. I couldn't help but celebrate that Ruth was finally reunited with her husband Don and her son Joe there in Heaven.  I thought about how we had honored someone's life so far and celebrated where someone else's life is headed.

I'm so happy for my Dad.  I hope he understands how much he is loved (and sometimes simply tolerated!) by his friends, family, and golfing buddies.  Not many folks get the chance to experience so many healthy years with such good people.

But I'm especially happy for Ruth.  We had our differences to be sure.  But I can just picture her in Heaven, sitting at Jesus' feet, greeting (by name) every dog-cat-parakeet-bunny-guinea pig that she had ever loved while on earth. I wouldn't be surprised if God put her in charge of the Celestial Zoo and Kennel.

Now THAT would be heaven for her.

Adapting to Change

Helloooo all you frazzled hoomans!

When I was younger ( like in the days when Christmas tress were silver tinsel, rotated, and had a color wheel illuminating the tree in multi-colored splendor), Christmas was a fun time we could hardly wait to experience.  The decorations would majically appear when we came home from school.  The wish lists were sent to Santa but curiously never needed a stamp.  My Mom would stock up on pickles, black olives, and pickled herring (don't judge me).

But as I grew older I realized that all this magic was really loads of pre-planning and WORK. Having secret meetings with dear hubby while pretending nothing was going on during the day. Having one of us divert the kids while the other one tried to sneak packages into the house and hide them.

Like most families, we had traditions and procedures that veered little each year: Hubby reading Luke 2 while dear son squirmed with impatience to get to the presents.  Someone wearing the Santa hat and giving out the gifts.

When the kids were younger our Advent calendar was a 'must.'  We finally decided that they'd outgrown it when dear daughter graduated high school and went off to college.  Son just didn't think it was fun to count down the days till Christmas when it cut into his shaving time.

Now that my kids are grown, married, and living their own lives, Christmas has gotten more complicated.

Most of you in our situation experience the same thing:

What to do when the OTHER side of the family has plans.  Traditions and procedures.

Lots of families institute a kind of lottery- THEY get them this year but WE get them next year (never mind what the kids want).  Or YOU got them for Thanksgiving so WE get them for Christmas.

I've also noticed families who get mad/insulted when they have to adapt to the kids' choice to actually stay at home and develop their own holiday traditions.  Or they get irritated when the other side WINS when "they- don't-even-care-about-Christmas-like-we-do-so-why-are-they-being-so-spiteful-they-always-act-like-this-what-did-we -do-to-them-they-are-just-jealous."

So a rift develops between families because someone can't or won't adapt to change.  I'm often amused how we invest in family so they can live happy and healthy lives and then get offended when they attempt to do so.

I also have found it interesting how we gorge ourselves with cookies and treats and special foods when we have the recipes and could make them any time the rest of the year but I digress.

As challenging and scary as it is to adapt to change I think we need to do so.  Change can often be a transition toward something that is really beneficial to everyone.  As we adapt to change we can delegate some responsibilities to others, relax, and begin to enjoy the holidays like we used to. 

Hey!  Who baked the cookies using my recipe?  The decorations have majically been put up!  Where did those gifts under the tree come from?

Perhaps adapting to change is God's way of giving us back the child-like joy we once felt at Christmas.  Change might allow others to bless us by taking over the responsibilities we grew to find tedious.

Who know?  Maybe I'll have dear children climb up into the attic and look for that old Advent calendar.  I think it's MY turn to count down the days before Christmas.

Too Much Too Soon

Okay, I'm going to vent here.

No, I'm not really mad.

Or even upset.

But it seems kind of weird to me how much technology has changed the rules of how people interact with each other.

I know-Karen-you've-said-this-before-ad-nauseum.

But I've got a new one for you:

Has anyone else spoken to an obviously pregnant woman and been told,
"Her name is Isabelle"

or

"This is Martin"

in a tone that suggests I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHO WAS IN THERE??!!

I kind of expect the Mommy to say to her tummy, "What do you say to the nice lady?"

To me, being an outsider (literally), I'm addressing an individual who has a big belly. Until birth that child is a sweet surprise.
I could as well be discussing someone's bunion for all I know.

But somehow I have insulted an entire family.

Facebook has displayed ultrasound pictures of babies that are so clear I'm surprised the kid isn't wearing a onesie or have a bow in her hair.

Sometimes I feel like I'm invading someone else's privacy when I see these photos. I mean, I'm embarrassed enough when my family shows pictures of me in my underpants when I was 3 years old.

Can you imagine how freaked out these kids will be when they get older to know some stranger has seen their umbilical cord?

uughh!

Life After Parenting

As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, it's normal for parents to adapt to the interests of their children.

Believe me, I have no inherent interest in ska/punk music, nor is color guard a lifelong dream of mine.

Yet I have attended countless performances and soaked in endless conversations about the excitement and merit of each activity.

And I've enjoyed it tremendously.

But now I'm left with the challenge of discovering what it is I'd really like to do now that I'm my own person again.

Does this sound familiar to you?

I've actually had to begin jotting down ideas and possible hobbies or studies I'd like to pursue now that my full-time parenting job is on hiatus.
After spending some time to focus on my identity and accepting who I am, what I know, and what I'd still like to learn.

It's been a challenge.

I also discovered that all the limits I've put on myself as far as ministering to others have been lessened greatly; I don't have to rush home to pick up the kids or put them to bed. Many doors are opening to me.

One more thing.

I've noticed that I really like to get rid of stuff. Things I'd collected over the years thinking Kari or Ryan might want them (only to realize they never did and never would) are being purged. Crafts and hobbies that kept me busy at home are now being sent elsewhere.

This is cool except for the fact that most friends my age have the same mindset.

Maybe our joke should be to never leave your car door unlocked when your friends are house purging- you may end up with more dishes and figurines and books than you know what to do with! The Goodwill donation box and I are closely acquainted.

I suggest you begin making lists, trying new things and cleaning out the old things.
It will help you concentrate on your future interests.

But keep your car doors locked.

Loss of a Family Pet

The Wasoba family mourns the loss of our dear old dog, Barney. I want to thank everyone who has been reaching out to us in sympathy.
I know Barney was only a dog, but he was my canine companion for 17 years.
He showed me the value of just being there for someone.
I loved him so much and will miss him.

Barney Wasoba
5/1994-6/2011

Who We Are

As adults it's often difficult to know which pair of pants to wear:
Am I supposed to wear my 'mommy' pants, my 'daughter' pants or my 'spouse' pants?

Let me clarify that I'm not saying to wear your mommy's pants, daughter's pants, or spouses' pants.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that our identity is often wrapped up in who we are to other people: I'm Bob's daughter, Bob Jr. and John's sister, Kari and Ryan's mom, Don's wife, and so on.

But being comfortable with myself as an individual is another matter. It feels kind of selfish to let me be Karen Wasoba (as awesome as that is...).

I've spent years submitting my own wants so that my family can flourish. Like most parents, Don and I have sacrificed for our children, whether it be time or money. It gets easier as time goes by.

Yet when we finally get the hang of it, the job description changes again. The kids have lives of their own, and now we'r free to do what we want to do.

Except I'm not the 25 year old young wife anymore and I'm not interested in most of the things I liked to do way back then (and NO, I'm not talking about plowing my fields or churning butter- I'm not THAT old!).

With many of us empty nesters it isn't a matter of picking up where we left off. It's a matter of re-inventing ourselves completely.

Daunting, yes, but not impossible.

Our experiences should give us confidence to know what it is we don't want to do.

That's right.

Not what we want to do because we haven't been there yet. But what we don't want to do because we've been there, done that.
Our challenge is to reach forward, to embrace new experiences, and to well, wear our own pants.

So as you think about your identity and who you are, give yourself permission to add some new things and toss out some old things. What have you learned and how have you grown as a person? What are your priorities? Interests?

I suggest that you take time thinking about who you are. Right now at this time in your life. What do you like and dislike? What have you always wanted to do (or NOT do)?

Write it down. Step away from it for a few days and then reread your answers.
Give yourself permission to accept who you and and who you're becoming.

Just think: you're designing your own pair of pants.

What Every Parent Needs as Empty Nesters

Have you ever noticed how little attention your work gets until you stop doing it? Much like housework, we perform some activities to simply please ourselves.

Seriously, don't most kids and husbands state that they don't really care if stuff is done around the house or if their socks match?

Until the regular dishes are stacked up in the sink (if they're lucky) and they've run out of paper towels to eat off. And little Joey got on the school bus wearing Janie's Hello Kitty socks.

That's similar to what I've encountered these last few weeks; even my dear hubby commented that I haven't been blogging lately.

And he never notices ANYTHING.

Several weeks ago I led a workshop entitled, "What Every Parent Needs" with an emphasis on empty nesting. I think the information was helpful and those in attendance seemed attentive (even though it began at 8 IN THE MORNING. The person scheduling this workshop must think all old(er)people get up before God does*).

So I'd like to pass this information on to you. I'm going to share this in several segments, so be prepared to take notes.

You will be quizzed later.

Empty nesting can be an emotionally challenging experience. As much as we might look forward to our children growing up and having their own lives it also means we have to have a life too. I know I've spent many hours dreaming of the day when I didn't have to drive carpool; I assumed I wouldn't have to worry anymore.

Then Kari and Ryan started driving themselves to school and I worried even more.

I imagined my own freedom and the opportunities I'd have to indulge in my own interests once the kids grew up and began their own lives.

Except over the years my interests had become what their interests were. There's nothing sadder than a band mom who has no practices to race their child to or real reason to sell Girl Scout cookies.

Not every parent transitions well; I cried Kari's entire senior year in high school. I would sob into my pillow every night, saying, "Babies aren't supposed to leave their Mamas..."

When we dropped her off at college I cried (actually whined) the whole car ride home.
I knew it had gotten out of hand when Ryan said, "I can understand how you feel, Mom, but that was ridiculous."

We've spent years mentally and physically invested in our children, only to be left clueless when they grow up and move on with their lives. Even the term 'empty nester' implies loss and even rejection. I prefer to think of this phase of life as 'winning the lottery.' It's the reward for many years of self-sacrifice.

Some parents feel at a loss as to what to do next. Like me, some of us aren't complete empty nesters because the kids are still occupying space (at least their stuff is- and their cats).

Some of us have adult children who live outside the home but haven't completely moved on from their childish behaviors and rely on us heavily. Many of us are now in the role of babysitter and errand runner while our kids struggle in entry level jobs.

The purpose of this article is to discuss various ways to transition into regaining our own individuality, finding renewed purpose in our lives, and using what we've learned to be a positive example for our friends and families.

But you'll have to wait for my next installment of this blog.

*Just a joke, relax.

Putting Families in Their Place

Lately it seems like everyone is having problems with members of their family.

Of course, relational problems are what brings most people to therapy. We don't know we don't get along with people unless there are people to not get along with....

But I'm not referring to the husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in this article. I'm talking about extended family members and the blurred lines between what is expected and what is right.

Some families expect that everyone is supposed to take care of each other no matter how inconvenient or inappropriate. Individuals are pressured by siblings or even parents to provide for their emotional and financial needs.

This creates massive stress and confusion in this person's life that it hinders their own marriage.

Those family members have learned early on that they could manipulate and guilt their son/daughter/brother/sister to do what made their lives easier. I don't believe it's a deliberate I'm-going-to-lie-awake-at-night-plotting-how-I'm-going-to-use-Gertrude-for-my-own-benefit behavior.

But anyone who finds an easy out to a crisis will take it.

As you determine your position, remember that it's healthy to want to disengage from the unrealistic expectations of your family of origin. Your goal is to create a new life for yourself as you gain independence. Healthy families understand that there is a hierarchy as we add generations to our family tree. Husbands and wives are to learn how to be their own family, stepping forward together as their parent and siblings step back.

This is not to say that loyalty and love for family of origin disappears. The family relationship is to be protected and nourished. However, I'm aware of an inability many people have to discern when to change their priorities. Because of this, their spouses suffer the consequences. Dear hubby has to accept that his time is now spent caring for relatives who can't (or won't) take care of themselves. He has to work overtime and even give up his vacation to provide for wife's unproductive relative. Sweet wife has to cart her mother-in-law to the doctor because M-I-L has alienated everyone else in the family. And wife feels resentment about it.

So what to do?

Determine right now your main priority. Is it your parents (assuming they are relatively healthy and able to provide for themselves) or is it your spouse? Did your marriage vows include, "I promise to take care of everyone and expect you to take care of them also"?

I didn't think so.

Simply stated, if there's a choice between going to Aunt Bertha's jewelry party or the spouse's Christmas party, the spouse must win. If you struggle between paying your own bills or fronting Mom's pedicures, the bills win.

These choices aren't selfishness; they are important investments in your future. They say that you have the ability to make tough choices that will enhance your life and you expect your loved ones to do the same. That includes financial pressures (e.g. Mom can't pay her utilities but wants you to put her on your cell phone plan saying she'll make the payments) or emotional ones (I'm calling you at 3 a.m. because I had a bad dream and can't get back to sleep).

Getting tough and standing firm on your decision will be tough at first but will ultimately pay off. Your own family will appreciate that you chose them over someone else. And in time you will gain a sense of peace that you are dealing with your responsibilities and you will be okay even if your family members don't or won't take care of theirs.

New Years Resolution Part One

When you get to be my age (black and white tv,3 channels) there are more examples of resolutions that didn't get very far.

There were the well-meaning promises to be nice, to be helpful to my mother, and to keep my room clean that didn't make it past the first week or so.

Then came the vows to do better in school, to be popular, to perfect a hobby, and to quit being sassy. Again, those vows went kaput.

I moved on to more meaningful, deeply spiritual promises. I would read the Bible faithfully, I would become a prayer warrior, I would evangelize the world. That one died when I lost my Bible and finally found it three months later under a cushion in our living room.

Next came the self-improvement resolutions: no candy, no soda, no junk food, more good food, more exercise, more make-up, more beauty regimens. This one probably took up more of my mental energy as I always renewed my promises but always failed to meet my own standards.

For many years thereafter I gave up resolutions. I self-righteously believed that if I was supposed to be doing something good I shouldn't have to have a special Day to begin doing it.

What a cop out.

So here's what I've been thinking lately: I'm really good at knowing what I'm supposed to do but not doing it. It'sbeen an excuse for me to do nothing; I mean, where do you begin with a list that long?
I'm convinced that most of us are aware of what we SHOULDN'T do in our lives. We know we shouldn't stick our tongues out at people, shouldn't skip in line, shouldn't interrupt. Self-control seems to be the best method for personal growth.

So here goes:

I resolve that I will not shirk my responsibilities.

By that I mean when I become aware of a task that needs to be done I will not pretend I don't see it. There is the obvious meaning of chores and laundry and picking up stuff.

But there's also the habit I have of overlooking my value as a child of God. Of not stepping up and accepting my responsibility of being loved.
So many times I find myself avoiding a blessing because I'm convinced it was meant for someone else. I joke my way out of it or use diversion instead of basking in it.

There are requirements involved with this resolution. The main one is to receive and enjoy that love. Another one is to not freak out when faced with such an honor. Don't downplay it.
It is what it is.

I also resolve to not avoid my relationships with other people for fear they aren't being equally blessed.
I need to remind myself that relationships are a great way to learn about ourselves, good or bad. Do I refresh my friends? Do they refresh me? Am I able to tell them the truth and can I hear it from them?
The same goes with family members. We will not always get along. But when I shirk my responsibilities I am making a statement with my behavior that they will never change. I categorize them and take away our future together.

Enough said. I have more resolutions to share with you in future blogs. But I want to challenge you to think about your own 'non-resolutions' this year.

What won't YOU do?


(Don't forget to pass this blog along to your friends and family. Who knows what might be the right word at the right time?)

Enjoying the Holidays

The holiday food is eaten and the packages are unwrapped; your blood pressure is leveling off and the mayhem has ceased.

Now what?

Think back on what has relentlessly filled your mind these last few days/weeks/months.

Lists and more lists, tasks and more tasks, obligations and more obligations.

It's exhausting to be so jolly for so long.

At some point we see that there is no more to do and all that's left is allowing ourselves to enjoy what we've done.

I think it's hard to do.

I know I spend so much time deciding and guiding the festivities for everyone I'm wiped out and miss most of the fun because my mind is still racing:

Is their reaction honest?

Did I get the right gift for them?

Did I remember everything?

Am I scarring them for life because I forgot something?

Maybe it's just me but I noticed something odd in many Christmas movies:

They seem to have time to do everything, they remember details and they enjoy the process.

Plus people are happy (glowing, even) with receiving one gift.

It's almost irritating.

I find I'm so distracted by the business end of the holiday I forget the fun end.

So I'm trying to do it different this year and simply enjoy myself.

We've had a beautiful fluffy snowfall this year and it's breathtaking. It's all so...perfect.

It reminds me that we can't control every aspect of our lives. That we'd have done okay without the snow feature but having it somehow makes it all even more delightful.

It also reminds me that God takes care of the big stuff and even the small details. Like snow.

My challenge now is to behave how I believe; God is in charge so I'm free to relax.

Enjoy

Appreciate

Bless

Be blessed

Rest in the assurance that this Christmas is all about relationship(s). Not only relationships with our dear ones, but a relationship with our Dear One.

So it's time, my friends, to surrender the planning and working mode your brain has been in. You've been pushing and pulling the sled for a long time; now it's time to jump on it yourself and go for a wonderful ride.

WHHEEEEEEEEEE!

Learning to Be Satisfied

So how's everyone doing? I hope you are pacing yourselves and enjoying the process of Christmas.

I think it's interesting to watch people shop at the last minute. After a while they're frantically throwing just about anything into their cart for a stocking stuffer. Random comments such as, "I know Loretta likes...towels. Yeah, towels. So I bet she'd like this orange one on sale from Halloween." Moms and Dads are threatening their exhausted kids that Santa won't visit them if they don't behave.

People are losing their perspective as panic sets in.

I'm aware of an anxiety that's rising within me; I'm conflicted and confused but the reason may not be what you think. (Those of you who know me are thinking, "What? She's ALWAYS confused!").

Hear me out.

I'm struggling with the realization I have to learn to be satisfied.

Not satisfaction with what I want or may receive as a gift. Like most of us I have plenty and then some.

My discomfort comes from the fact that I have to be satisfied with the amount of gifts I GIVE to the family members and other folks I love.

Isn't it true? How do we express how we truly feel about our loved ones? I know for myself, mere words can't express the depth of love and appreciation I feel for the people in my life.

The only way we know of is to give gifts. Lots of gifts. Too many gifts. The bigger the better.

But then even after the giving and the thank you's we follow up with,

"Did you really like it? Huh? Huh? Did you? You're not just saying that, are you?"

So here's where the challenge is:

Accept that you can't give someone a gift equal to their personal value. You just can't. I know I've tried and maxed out credit cards in the past in my effort to 'get it right this year.'

Instead, determine that you're going to show your dear ones all year long how you feel about them. Don't save up all the good stuff till the end of the year, dump it in their laps and expect them to read your mind and your heart.

You will always be unhappy the next time you see that item laying unused in their room/house. You will equate your value with how they treat your gift.

So don't use Christmas items as a symbol for who you are and what you mean to your loved ones. Purchase a simple gift you know they will enjoy and let it go. It's a tough bit of advice I'm having to heed myself.

So as I've been saying all along:

Take a deep breath, repeat indefinitely.

Relax and decide that you're going to be satisfied.

When You Experience Stress

Stress? What Stress??

Everyone talks about holiday stress and laments the endless tasks needing to be done.

However, I submit to you that there would be no stress if there were no people in our lives to create stress.

Think about it: Why do we stress out? Because we want the season to be momentous for our friends and family. We want our parents to know we love them by including them in our festivities. We want our children (0f every age) to enjoy family traditions and be able to smile genuinely when displaying their gifts for photo ops.

We even have gifts and stockings for our pets, for Pete's sake! In our family, we have to wait until the dog and/or cat chew open their wrapped gifts before we can tackle ours.

Don't judge us; I bet most of you do the same thing.

So when we experience stress, we must first of all acknowledge that most stress is of our own making. If we're going to lose sleep making mental lists of gifts and of time tables, let's first admit we do it not only for them but for us.

I get a kick out of finding the right gift for the right person. I stress myself out in the quest for the perfect item. When all is said and done, however, I notice that most of the time the gifts are insignificant compared to the experience of the Christmas holiday itself.

Let's focus more on WHY we're doing all of this in the first place. Is it to impress everyone with our ability to 'deck our halls' or is it to celebrate the reason we even hold this holiday dear?

I need to work on this every day of the year. Why do I do what I do? Who am I trying to impress? Will it matter? Will it bless? Will it have a positive influence?

If the answer is 'no' to a single one of these questions maybe some change is in order.

If the stress is self-inflicted the cure must be self-inflicted as well. Behaviors that leave us clutching our chests in panic don't bless. If they don't bless they don't benefit anyone.

Let's be willing to redirect our goals this holiday season. Think about the memories you want to make in your family and with your friends and work toward that.

Since we can't change our reason for stress, let's change our attitude towards it.

Even More About Truth

I'd like to suggest we always tell the truth and here's why:

We want to be safe.

There's nothing like being in a relationship where you are safe and free from fear. Where you know that if someone tells you something you can rely on that information and take appropriate action. Even if the news is painful you are shielded from criticism and rejection because you know the person sharing it has no destructive motives.

I strive to be that kind of person. It's a true honor when someone seeks your opinion and believes what you say. From clothing choices to paint colors to the choice of a mate, it's important to be the person who is known for being truthful and offering safety while doing it.

I was taught that in order to have a friend you have to be a friend. In order to be safe you must offer safety. In order to have someone be truthful you must be truthful yourself.

Again, this goes back to my former blog that discusses our motives. If your motive is to be useful and you desire to tell the truth because it will be helpful, through practice and effort, the same will be given you.

It may not happen right away. You may have to be the loving truth teller all by yourself for a while.

But once your offer of safety is recognized who knows? You may be the catalyst for changing an entire group of friends. Or family. Or church.

And that's the truth.