Putting Families in Their Place

Lately it seems like everyone is having problems with members of their family.

Of course, relational problems are what brings most people to therapy. We don't know we don't get along with people unless there are people to not get along with....

But I'm not referring to the husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in this article. I'm talking about extended family members and the blurred lines between what is expected and what is right.

Some families expect that everyone is supposed to take care of each other no matter how inconvenient or inappropriate. Individuals are pressured by siblings or even parents to provide for their emotional and financial needs.

This creates massive stress and confusion in this person's life that it hinders their own marriage.

Those family members have learned early on that they could manipulate and guilt their son/daughter/brother/sister to do what made their lives easier. I don't believe it's a deliberate I'm-going-to-lie-awake-at-night-plotting-how-I'm-going-to-use-Gertrude-for-my-own-benefit behavior.

But anyone who finds an easy out to a crisis will take it.

As you determine your position, remember that it's healthy to want to disengage from the unrealistic expectations of your family of origin. Your goal is to create a new life for yourself as you gain independence. Healthy families understand that there is a hierarchy as we add generations to our family tree. Husbands and wives are to learn how to be their own family, stepping forward together as their parent and siblings step back.

This is not to say that loyalty and love for family of origin disappears. The family relationship is to be protected and nourished. However, I'm aware of an inability many people have to discern when to change their priorities. Because of this, their spouses suffer the consequences. Dear hubby has to accept that his time is now spent caring for relatives who can't (or won't) take care of themselves. He has to work overtime and even give up his vacation to provide for wife's unproductive relative. Sweet wife has to cart her mother-in-law to the doctor because M-I-L has alienated everyone else in the family. And wife feels resentment about it.

So what to do?

Determine right now your main priority. Is it your parents (assuming they are relatively healthy and able to provide for themselves) or is it your spouse? Did your marriage vows include, "I promise to take care of everyone and expect you to take care of them also"?

I didn't think so.

Simply stated, if there's a choice between going to Aunt Bertha's jewelry party or the spouse's Christmas party, the spouse must win. If you struggle between paying your own bills or fronting Mom's pedicures, the bills win.

These choices aren't selfishness; they are important investments in your future. They say that you have the ability to make tough choices that will enhance your life and you expect your loved ones to do the same. That includes financial pressures (e.g. Mom can't pay her utilities but wants you to put her on your cell phone plan saying she'll make the payments) or emotional ones (I'm calling you at 3 a.m. because I had a bad dream and can't get back to sleep).

Getting tough and standing firm on your decision will be tough at first but will ultimately pay off. Your own family will appreciate that you chose them over someone else. And in time you will gain a sense of peace that you are dealing with your responsibilities and you will be okay even if your family members don't or won't take care of theirs.

Mad At God

There seems to be a theme here.

After interacting with individuals with a wide array of issues I find that many hurting people are mad at God.

I understand how they feel; I'm familiar with the checklist I go through when I'm in a trial:

Hmmm, is it me?

I've prayed

Gone to church (most of the time)

Tithed faithfully(sometimes)

Haven't cussed (much)

Read my Bible (I can still get caught up on my reading the Bible in a year...it's still January)

I haven't said or done half the things I've wanted to say or do.

So if it isn't me it has to be my husband, ex husband, environment, genetics, economy that has caused this great trial.

God certainly can overlook that, see that I'm an innocent bystander here, and get me out of this.

Ok. I'm still waiting.

What's going ON here? Doesn't God care I'm suffering here? Why doesn't He answer my prayers to change my wife, boss, children, circumstances? Isn't that what He's supposed to do?

By this time we wonder if God is playing chess using us for a pawn. We start to withdraw our prayers or the tone of them changes to accusation:

"So God, I KNOW you said you're my heavenly Father and You'd take care of me. Well, I need taking care of but you don't seem to be listening. This isn't cool, God. Where are you?"

Then we get resentful in our attitudes.

"Well. It's me again. I'm still struggling if you care to know. I'm going to stop praying for a while because you evidently aren't listening. I'm going to save my breath for taking care of my own problems since you're obviously off somewhere else."

Does this sound familiar?

This is the stage many folks are in by the time they decide to seek counseling. Not only do the clients feel the exhaustion from trying to survive the trial but also the pain of feeling God is letting them down.

They feel awful (and somewhat self-righteous) when they admit their anger at God.

So here's the thing.

God's not gone. He's not distracted or disinterested in you and your difficulties. If He has numbered the hairs on your head (Luke 12:7) He's committed to you.

And He's not mad at you for feeling this way. True relationship involves the ugly side like warts and bandaids and bodily noises. God created you and is committed to you for the long haul.

But we need to keep moving ahead and not giving up. We must maintain the belief that 'I don't understand it but I accept it.'

Keep your dialogue with God open and say what you think- because He already knows how you feel. Be real. Be mad. Be faithful.

Then be aware of a change in your outlook. Maybe that encouraging phone call from a long lost friend was more than just a phone call. Perhaps that extra time you somehow found to read a book wasn't an accident. I seem to get reminder visits from hummingbirds.

We can't predict how God will answer our prayers or take care of us. I'd love to share with my readers the many times God uncurled my tightly clenched fists to fill my hands with blessing.

Even when I was mad.