Who We Are

As adults it's often difficult to know which pair of pants to wear:
Am I supposed to wear my 'mommy' pants, my 'daughter' pants or my 'spouse' pants?

Let me clarify that I'm not saying to wear your mommy's pants, daughter's pants, or spouses' pants.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that our identity is often wrapped up in who we are to other people: I'm Bob's daughter, Bob Jr. and John's sister, Kari and Ryan's mom, Don's wife, and so on.

But being comfortable with myself as an individual is another matter. It feels kind of selfish to let me be Karen Wasoba (as awesome as that is...).

I've spent years submitting my own wants so that my family can flourish. Like most parents, Don and I have sacrificed for our children, whether it be time or money. It gets easier as time goes by.

Yet when we finally get the hang of it, the job description changes again. The kids have lives of their own, and now we'r free to do what we want to do.

Except I'm not the 25 year old young wife anymore and I'm not interested in most of the things I liked to do way back then (and NO, I'm not talking about plowing my fields or churning butter- I'm not THAT old!).

With many of us empty nesters it isn't a matter of picking up where we left off. It's a matter of re-inventing ourselves completely.

Daunting, yes, but not impossible.

Our experiences should give us confidence to know what it is we don't want to do.

That's right.

Not what we want to do because we haven't been there yet. But what we don't want to do because we've been there, done that.
Our challenge is to reach forward, to embrace new experiences, and to well, wear our own pants.

So as you think about your identity and who you are, give yourself permission to add some new things and toss out some old things. What have you learned and how have you grown as a person? What are your priorities? Interests?

I suggest that you take time thinking about who you are. Right now at this time in your life. What do you like and dislike? What have you always wanted to do (or NOT do)?

Write it down. Step away from it for a few days and then reread your answers.
Give yourself permission to accept who you and and who you're becoming.

Just think: you're designing your own pair of pants.

Putting Families in Their Place

Lately it seems like everyone is having problems with members of their family.

Of course, relational problems are what brings most people to therapy. We don't know we don't get along with people unless there are people to not get along with....

But I'm not referring to the husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in this article. I'm talking about extended family members and the blurred lines between what is expected and what is right.

Some families expect that everyone is supposed to take care of each other no matter how inconvenient or inappropriate. Individuals are pressured by siblings or even parents to provide for their emotional and financial needs.

This creates massive stress and confusion in this person's life that it hinders their own marriage.

Those family members have learned early on that they could manipulate and guilt their son/daughter/brother/sister to do what made their lives easier. I don't believe it's a deliberate I'm-going-to-lie-awake-at-night-plotting-how-I'm-going-to-use-Gertrude-for-my-own-benefit behavior.

But anyone who finds an easy out to a crisis will take it.

As you determine your position, remember that it's healthy to want to disengage from the unrealistic expectations of your family of origin. Your goal is to create a new life for yourself as you gain independence. Healthy families understand that there is a hierarchy as we add generations to our family tree. Husbands and wives are to learn how to be their own family, stepping forward together as their parent and siblings step back.

This is not to say that loyalty and love for family of origin disappears. The family relationship is to be protected and nourished. However, I'm aware of an inability many people have to discern when to change their priorities. Because of this, their spouses suffer the consequences. Dear hubby has to accept that his time is now spent caring for relatives who can't (or won't) take care of themselves. He has to work overtime and even give up his vacation to provide for wife's unproductive relative. Sweet wife has to cart her mother-in-law to the doctor because M-I-L has alienated everyone else in the family. And wife feels resentment about it.

So what to do?

Determine right now your main priority. Is it your parents (assuming they are relatively healthy and able to provide for themselves) or is it your spouse? Did your marriage vows include, "I promise to take care of everyone and expect you to take care of them also"?

I didn't think so.

Simply stated, if there's a choice between going to Aunt Bertha's jewelry party or the spouse's Christmas party, the spouse must win. If you struggle between paying your own bills or fronting Mom's pedicures, the bills win.

These choices aren't selfishness; they are important investments in your future. They say that you have the ability to make tough choices that will enhance your life and you expect your loved ones to do the same. That includes financial pressures (e.g. Mom can't pay her utilities but wants you to put her on your cell phone plan saying she'll make the payments) or emotional ones (I'm calling you at 3 a.m. because I had a bad dream and can't get back to sleep).

Getting tough and standing firm on your decision will be tough at first but will ultimately pay off. Your own family will appreciate that you chose them over someone else. And in time you will gain a sense of peace that you are dealing with your responsibilities and you will be okay even if your family members don't or won't take care of theirs.

Anniversary of a Big Day

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to mention that yesterday, January 20, 2011 marked the 32nd anniversary of the day my hubby officially proposed.

I accepted.

For some reason, this date means more to me than our actual wedding date of June 8, 1979.

It began the true adventure of what commitment and bonding really means. From the excitement of announcing the engagement and waving my diamond ring around to the utter despair of planning a wedding with no money and too many opinions, the emotions ran both hot and cold.

Truthfully, at times they still do.

But I have to give a big shout out to my wonderful husband, Don, whom I both adore and want to slap upside the head most of the time.

I, on the other hand, am a saint(ahem).

Through Don I learned commitment, tolerance (ahem ahem), integrity and true humility.

The last 32 years have been healing and challenging and I look forward to the next 32 years with him as my best friend, devoted mate, and support system.

I learned how to remain faithful to God despite tribulation and in spite of downturns in our circumstances. I learned to give love and receive love.

Hopefully I've taught him a few things along the way.

So, here's to you, Babe. I dedicate the next terrible kung fu movie I watch to you.

It's true!

Tightrope Walking

Romantic movies about weddings LIE!

They depict the mother-daughter relationship while planning a wedding to be all fancy lunches and fantasys shared over spa treatments.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Planning a wedding is inherently stressful. No mistake about it.

For example: Put two stressed adult women in an overheated car on a busy highway on the way to yet another possible reception venue site and you take stress to a whole new level.

We're talking nuclear meltdown.

I learned so much about myself while planning darling daughter's wedding this summer. I'm no stranger to planning events and preparing for them. I've been around, see.

I learned to lose lots of sleep trying to be creative with wedding and reception decorations.
I learned to delegate and find the best people for the right task. That was awesome.

But my biggest lesson was that despite all my brilliant ideas and how absolutely perfect they were and how much Kari and Gareth and everyone else would love them...

they still had to be approved by the bride.

Imagine that.

I really thought I was helping most of the time, being objective and trying to accomplish what my daughter was envisioning for her wedding. Yet most of our arguments centered around her impression that I didn't 'get it,' that what I was creating wasn't what she meant and I was stressing her out.

That was tough to hear. I thought I was being a saint, really. I hadn't said half the things I'd wanted to say. I'd also had to give up some ideas I thought were fabulous (even if I do say so myself).

Yet here she was, saying I was trying to do it MY way.

We got mad a lot. We cried a bit. We hugged a lot.

I learned to walk the tightrope of making sure I remained balanced in my desire to have this be Kari's special day and not my interpretation of it. Yes, I fell off a few times, landing flat on my face. Each time I was able to get back on the rope and keep going.

Because I really love my daughter. It was my time to step aside as the authority over her life and let it be done her way (um, mostly).

And we made it. It was a beautiful event.

At least in my opinion.

I'm Baaaaack!

Hi Folks,

I know it's been quite a while since I've updated my blog but I can 'splain.

My daughter got engaged in January and my mind exploded.

Pure and simple.

There's a lot of pressure in being the Mother of the Bride (note the capital letters).
Not only are there a vast amount of decisions to be made, the costs to be tallied, but there is also a great emotional expense involved in all of this.

The self control it takes to offer opinions to the nervous bride and know you have no real say in anything is nervewracking.

I know, I know. Most people assert that whoever pays for the wedding gets the final word.

Those folks must not have children.

There's a mysterious dance a mother and her daughter performs that requires dexterity and a selflessness that I fear I don't possess. Toes get trampled (along with feelings) as both women try to make decisions they can live with without hurting the mother/daughter relationship.
Despite my many missteps I THINK our relationship is still intact.

But it took some pride swallowing on the part of both of us.

I've got so much to share with you about the many instances of God's intervention and provision for all of this.

So get ready for waaaay too much information as I debrief about the last 6 months.

It's been fun, it's been awful, it's been challenging, it's been emotional.

And I'd do it all again (with some revisions). What an awesome experience.

When God Answers Your Prayers

Human beings are an enigma. No. Change that. Human beings are contradictory. Wait. Maybe we're just indecisive; I think so but I'm not sure.

The point I'm trying to make is that we seem to want what we don't have and disregard the cool things we DO have. I don't have to tell you about our tendency to value what everyone else has, either characteristically or materially or even spiritually.
We seem to be so busy evaluating what our friends and neighbors have that we overlook our own blessings.

I wonder sometimes if we frustrate God. He promises to relate to us; to know us so well He sees our hearts and knows our desires. He knows our fervent (and not so fervent) prayers. Yet when those very prayers get answered we sit dumbly and don't know what to do with them.
I'm experiencing that sensation right now.

For years I've prayed for my daughter Kari and son Ryan. I love them both so much.
Recently Ryan made some life-changing decisions that I have prayed for and fully support.
I know those decisions are a direct answer to prayer.

And yet I find myself awed and maybe a little confused in the changes Ryan has made in his life.
God's response to my prayers has altered the direction my son is headed in life. I love it.
So why do I feel confusion when I actually get to witness this answer to prayer?

I think we get accustomed to people being who they are and doing what they do. Despite our hopes and prayers we don't really expect anything to change. We attempt to fit everyone into neat little categories and that's where they remain and that's what we wrap our lives around.

I've seen many wives spend years asking God to make their husbands the spiritual leader in their homes. These women plead and cry and beseech God to do a miracle on behalf of their spouse.

Then it happens.

One miraculous moment appears and dear old hubby 'gets it.'
Suddenly dear husband is repentant (yay!), attentive (double yay!), and eager to change.

But wait a minute.

If dear hubby changes, praying wife must change also. There can't be two head honchos in the same tipi. Someone has to adapt, step back, change behaviors.

This is what wife prayed for but it doesn't feel all that good.

Where we pushed before ("Come ON. Let's go to church") we find ourselves pulling back ("Can't you skip the men's prayer breakfast just this once so we can spend time together?").

That's why we are such an enigma. Do we want the Lord to answer our prayers or not? Do we want our loved ones to experience healing?

I think the question should be: Are we sincere enough in our prayers to be willing to deal with the consequences? Can we give up our identity of being the long-suffering wife (mom, dad, employee) in order to have our prayers answered?

I used to think this saying was a joke. Now that I'm being challenged to accept this 'new son' God has given me, I'm not so sure anymore.

Be careful what you pray for; you may just get it.

Attitude is Everything

I do quite a bit of marriage counseling. Since Don and I have been equally-yoked for 30 years now I guess folks can see the 'married' brand on my forehead. Don says it's the broken look on his face. I told him I thought that expression was rapture...
It's thrilling to guide couples as they muddle through pain and disillusionment to obtain healing in their marriages. My goal is to encourage them to defer to the Lord for strength and wisdom, knowing that He will lead and guide them.
Many people only have the strength of their commitment to their marriage vows to keep them moving ahead. Others don't; they drop off early, stating that it's too late, they've been too wounded, the trust is gone.
It's important to note that it's not just unbelieving couples who don't hang on; often I see professing Christians too blinded by their pain and, yes, pride to hang in there through the difficult times inherent in marriage renewal.
For example, recently I had two couples in back-to-back sessions facing the same ultimatum: is this marriage worth the hard work necessary for restoration?

One couple pushed the 'yes' button. The other chose 'no.'

I'm certainly not judging either couple; they both had valid reasons for their decision.
But what intrigued me was that the currently unbelieving couple chose to honor their vows.
The Christian couple broke down.
It's a reminder to me that we need to nurture our relationships in order to keep them healthy. We can't let ourselves become cocky about our lives and our mates; rather, we need to continually monitor our attitudes and behaviors. Otherwise, we risk creating a chasm that we (or our mate) may be too exhausted or wounded to clambor over.
We can't be arrogant about our faith either. Just as good relationships draw you closer to God, difficult relationships can pull you away.

It's all in the attitude.