Reasons and Excuses

I've been noticing lately how easily we fall into a category and use it for an excuse.

For instance, I looked up many of the labels I've been guilty of giving myself. I'm a:

Leo
Sanguine
Otter
Golden Retriever
Left-Handed
Extravert
Intuitive/Feeler
Shepherd/Encourager
Last Born but only child
German/Swedish
Born Again believer

Wow.  I just read over the list and I should be very impressed with myself!

However, many of these descriptors can be used as a shield when we feel threatened to change.

"I act this way because I'm an otter."  "I can't be quiet because I'm an extravert."  "I'm a clown because I'm last born but treat me respectfully because I'm an intuitive/feeler."  "I'm goofy because I'm left-handed."
"I'm bossy because I'm a Leo."

This seems to be our reason (read-excuse) to blame others for not getting along with us!
No acceptance of our own attitudes or vanities or pride. 

Haven't you done this?  I know I have. 

I can't tell you the relief I have felt when some label excused my poor behavior.  It isn't me being a jerk;
it's my temperment, horoscope, birth order, Myers-Briggs results, spiritual gift, nationality.

BUT...

Using those labels to rationalize why we do what we do says we are helpless.  Victims to our circumstances.
Is that how we are to live?

I'd like to suggest we all ignore those labels.  Instead, let's dig our heels in when tempted to explain away why we are being pig-headed or fearful or controlling.  Let's turn our backs on accepting those excuses from our friends and family members too.

I'd like to think that God works in our lives and hearts IN SPITE OF those labels that have hindered us for so long.  He wants us to cast off the 'old man' and allow Him to give us a new life.

I love that part but it assumes we take responsibility for our reasons and excuses.

Here are some labels I'd love to embrace instead:

Loved,
Protected
Shielded
Empowered through His grace
Healed
Rescued
Lifted up

and best of all,

FORGIVEN

Responsible and Unhappy

Anyone who states that growing up is fun hasn't grown up yet. Take it from someone who has delayed the process as long as possible.

There have been a lot of decisions I've had to make within the last several weeks that, if I'd been able to stay irresponsible, would have suited me just fine.

However, there comes a time when each of us has to stand firm and be....

Responsible.

I really value what I do. I feel blessed (and lucky) to be able to do something that has meaning; I have fun counseling and I enjoy connecting with people who need guidance.

But lately I've found that what I do involves responsibility to do what is necessary even when it's easier not to.

For example, it's waaaaay easier to buy new socks than to wash the dirty ones I already own. It's easier to go out for fast food than to cook. And it's easier to be a 'yes man' than to stand up for what is the best thing.

I always assumed that being obedient to God meant everything was going to be smooth. I pictured the Mary Engelbreit-type poster with the rosy-cheeked mom in a cute little cottage baking heart-shaped cookies.

She looked happy even though her clothes didn't match.

But I'm learning that obedience is sometimes aggravating and painful. My clothes match and I'm not all that pleased about it...

Anyway, I admit I'm a late bloomer. I just now (I qualify for senior citizen discounts at McD's) feel comfortable in my life. I've made it an art to be clueless to avoid making choices.

But it's painful to stay oblivious. To suddenly be made aware of facts that have been there all along hurts a lot.

I can't opt to choose happiness at the expense of responsibility. Someone suffers either way. I can only cling to the fact that my belief in God's direction will win out.

Maybe then I can be happy that I've chosen to be responsible.

Putting Families in Their Place

Lately it seems like everyone is having problems with members of their family.

Of course, relational problems are what brings most people to therapy. We don't know we don't get along with people unless there are people to not get along with....

But I'm not referring to the husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in this article. I'm talking about extended family members and the blurred lines between what is expected and what is right.

Some families expect that everyone is supposed to take care of each other no matter how inconvenient or inappropriate. Individuals are pressured by siblings or even parents to provide for their emotional and financial needs.

This creates massive stress and confusion in this person's life that it hinders their own marriage.

Those family members have learned early on that they could manipulate and guilt their son/daughter/brother/sister to do what made their lives easier. I don't believe it's a deliberate I'm-going-to-lie-awake-at-night-plotting-how-I'm-going-to-use-Gertrude-for-my-own-benefit behavior.

But anyone who finds an easy out to a crisis will take it.

As you determine your position, remember that it's healthy to want to disengage from the unrealistic expectations of your family of origin. Your goal is to create a new life for yourself as you gain independence. Healthy families understand that there is a hierarchy as we add generations to our family tree. Husbands and wives are to learn how to be their own family, stepping forward together as their parent and siblings step back.

This is not to say that loyalty and love for family of origin disappears. The family relationship is to be protected and nourished. However, I'm aware of an inability many people have to discern when to change their priorities. Because of this, their spouses suffer the consequences. Dear hubby has to accept that his time is now spent caring for relatives who can't (or won't) take care of themselves. He has to work overtime and even give up his vacation to provide for wife's unproductive relative. Sweet wife has to cart her mother-in-law to the doctor because M-I-L has alienated everyone else in the family. And wife feels resentment about it.

So what to do?

Determine right now your main priority. Is it your parents (assuming they are relatively healthy and able to provide for themselves) or is it your spouse? Did your marriage vows include, "I promise to take care of everyone and expect you to take care of them also"?

I didn't think so.

Simply stated, if there's a choice between going to Aunt Bertha's jewelry party or the spouse's Christmas party, the spouse must win. If you struggle between paying your own bills or fronting Mom's pedicures, the bills win.

These choices aren't selfishness; they are important investments in your future. They say that you have the ability to make tough choices that will enhance your life and you expect your loved ones to do the same. That includes financial pressures (e.g. Mom can't pay her utilities but wants you to put her on your cell phone plan saying she'll make the payments) or emotional ones (I'm calling you at 3 a.m. because I had a bad dream and can't get back to sleep).

Getting tough and standing firm on your decision will be tough at first but will ultimately pay off. Your own family will appreciate that you chose them over someone else. And in time you will gain a sense of peace that you are dealing with your responsibilities and you will be okay even if your family members don't or won't take care of theirs.

New Years Resolution Finale

I hope you've been following along as I've discussed New Years resolutions.

Of course, I want to encourage you to make positive life decisions for 2011 and beyond.
But sometimes it helps more to make negative choices. Believe me, I know that sounds weird but I can explain:
I will not walk on a major highway during rush hour because I don't want to get hit by a car.
I will not steal stuff from the store because I don't want to get arrested.
I will not swim with sharks because I don't want them to get indigestion.

I asked my hubby recently if he thought people accept Christ as their Savior because they
a) want to go to heaven
or
b) don't want to go to hell.

If you think it engendered deep theological debate you're wrong.
He didn't say anything.
I thought he didn't hear me or he was ignoring me again. Or his brain was deeply rooted in that NOTHING box we hear men have.
Let's get back to the point.
I finally shook him (I know he wasn't sleeping because he was driving). He shrugged and said,
"Who cares why as long as they do it?"
Deep thoughts...who knew?

Which brings me to the negative slant I've placed on my New Years resolutions this year. There are so many things I know I should be doing I get overwhelmed, sit down and eat chocolate.
Why even try when you know you're going to fail immediately? Thinking of what I won't do, however, gives me more to work with.
So along with my previous posts of resolutions I'd like to add one last one:

I will not make excuses

This falls in the realm of 'I can't_______ because it's too cold, too hot,too late, too early, too expensive, too hard, too frustrating, too boring, too challenging or too easy..."

You know what I'm talking about. Admit it.

Every time we're presented with something we just know we're supposed to do we come up with a myriad of excuses why we can't (won't) do it.

Here's another example:

"I'd have ________ but my husband boyfriend sister dog alarm clock car friend running and/or prayer partner didn't call text email fb remind tweet drive ring my doorbell to wake me up."

Suddenly nothing is your responsibility and it's all someone elses' fault.

So I'm over it. I'm over lying to myself and everyone whose life I influence when I make excuses for blowing it.
The truth throws people off balance but I'm willing to risk it. Not only will I resolve to not make excuses, I'm going to admit the truth:
I wanted to stay home
I don't want to go shopping
I'm lazy today and don't want to exercise
I want to eat this junk
I want to do something else.

Facing that truth will force me to choose my behaviors wisely. I won't make rash promises I will surely break the first chance I get. I refuse to use other nouns (people, places, or things) as scapegoats.
If I did it, said it,forgot it or refused to do it, I will admit it.

This concludes my New Years resolutions. I hope they make you think about your own resolutions. Let' s make 2011 a year of positive growth and maturity, even if we have to be negative to do it.

Look at Your Motives

Something that makes perfect sense to you might seem really absurd to someone else. Haven't we all spent time talking to someone in an effort to get our point across? At the end of the conversation you realize that:

A). They actually got offended by what you said,
B). You are no closer to a resolution than when you started,
C). Nothing between you has changed; if anything it's worse.

I don't know about you, but I get mad and confused when that happens. Of course, initially I convince myself that it's all their fault for misunderstanding my simple statements.

It's important to determine our motives when we interact with others. Sometimes we want to win the point and talk the issue to death. We try every conceivable angle in order to pin someone down and convince them how right we are (and how wrong they are).

I can tell that's happening when the person I'm speaking to stops looking at me. I can REALLY tell I'm getting pushy when they rush for the door!

Often we start a discussion to prove how much we know about a certain topic. You'll know you're guilty of this if people suddenly find other tasks to perform just as you open your mouth.

In determining your motives about what you do and say, take a moment and assess just WHY you want to talk. Is it to:

Help (or they will be harmed)
Notify (they need this information)
Enlighten (be careful about this one!)
Encourage (to observe positives)
Soothe (to provide comfort)
Relate (to indicate interest).

Or is it to:

Educate (because they don't know as much as you do)
Patronize (since you're so smart)
Criticize (no explanation needed here)
Punish (since they obviously know what they did and are playing dumb about it)
Insult (same as above).

Most of us would argue that our motives are pure. What's the harm in being truthful or knowing more than someone else does?

Because your motives come across loud and clear. If you filter what you want to say before you say it chances are you'll notice that really, you just want to be a jerk. A bully.

Try this simple test: Observe yourself as if you were the other person. Notice your posture, your demeanor, your attitude. Then listen to your comments BEFORE you actually utter them.

How does it sound now? Be truthful. Does it sound as harmless as you think (hope) it does?

If it doesn't, challenge yourself this week to filter what you say and how you are received by other people.

Maybe you need to reevaluate your motives.