As a child in the 60's, I was taught that life was like the Dick and Jane readers we used in school:
'See Dick. See Jane. See Dick and Jane. See Spot. See Spot run. Run Spot run!'
That was it.
No crisis. No conflict. No turmoil.
So when real life hit and things weren't so simple I thought perhaps I'd done something wrong.
Where were Dick and Jane when I needed them?
It's a big deal when something less than perfect happens to us. It throws us for a loop since conflict and decision-making don't often go together.
We question what happened, what we did, what he did, what they did.
First we are convinced the world is out to get us.
We feel attacked and victimized.
We want everyone to sympathize and hold a rally and stage a tea party to defend our rights.
One thing of note, however: the conflict still has to be dealt with.
Sure, we can stick our heads in the sand and pretend the situation didn't happen.
Unfortunately, we have to come up for air some time.
And when we do the big ugly lump of conflict/crisis will still be sitting there waiting...
Soooo....
That's when all your beliefs come into play.
Are you in charge of your life or is God?
If YOU are, I wish you well.
Except the pages upon which your abilities are written would look more like a pamphlet than a novel. More like a Dick and Jane reader. There are many things you know, but there are probably way more things about life and coping that you DON'T know.
When I'm in trouble or confused and hurt I want to consult an Expert for help. I want wisdom and strength. I mean after all, if I knew everything I probably wouldn't have gotten into trouble in the first place.
Well, maybe I would because I do seem to attract it.
Keeping a clear head when things are disintegrating around you does not require a skill set available to the lucky few. It's got a lot to do with being willing to let things happen without trying to repair the damage too soon; a willingness to be teachable and to allow God to speak to you and hold you protectively while you experience the chaos.
It's about putting your fear and anger on the shelf temporarily, knowing the truth of the situation will reveal itself in due time. You will not surely die, although you may feel like it.
I discuss this in much more detail in my book, "Lord, Shut Me Up!" available on Amazon.com. in the chapter on Patience.
Keep breathing.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Follow My Blog
Hi Everyone,
Just a quick note to let you know I've added the Follower feature to my Wasoblog. If you've found anything interesting and/or intriguing within my writings please become a follower.
I promise it won't be dull and we all may learn something new. Or be reminded of things we already knew.
Whatever.
Please feel free to comment.
Just a quick note to let you know I've added the Follower feature to my Wasoblog. If you've found anything interesting and/or intriguing within my writings please become a follower.
I promise it won't be dull and we all may learn something new. Or be reminded of things we already knew.
Whatever.
Please feel free to comment.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Telling Yourself the Truth
While it's a challenge to identify the need to tell the truth and then actually do it, I find it even more difficult to be truthful when the culprit is ME.
Sure, I can admit my wrongdoing when I drop and break something or forget an appointment. Those snafus are obvious to anyone who lives and breathes.
In fact, I'm pretty comfortable apologizing to my friends and loved ones since I have to do it so often; maybe I should get some fancy 'oops' cards printed and just hand them out en masse when I do make a mistake. That would save a lot of energy on everyone's part.
However, what do we do when we know we've really stuck our foot in our mouths, said or did the wrong thing, and there were serious repercussions? Feelings are crushed and relationships are mangled.
After we've worked hard to fix the error there are the inevitable consequences:
The dish is still broken,
The words are still floating in the air after having been said in anger,
The heart is still bleeding although not quite as badly.
Our tendency is to put the episode behind us as if it never happened. We try to pretend everything is cool, although there is a tension in the air as if we're waiting for tragic news.
In essence, we try to move ahead from a painful experience by...lying.
It's okay,
We'll be okay,
I'm okay.
When enough time has lapsed we begin the healing process by excusing our behavior. We try to justify what we said and did. When that doesn't work we start blaming the other person; they made me mad, they don't understand my wonderfulness, they should be grateful I didn't say what I WANTED to say...
But really, let's stop here and finally get real. Face it.
Be willing to pick up the burden of acknowledging that you (yes, YOU)were....wrong.
Wrong
Wrong
Wrong
Oxford Complete Wordfinder defines the word in part: 'to be mistaken, not true, in error, amiss, out of order, treat unjustly, do something wrong to.' And so on.
But here's the thing. To admit wrong doing is not the same thing as rolling around in sackcloth and ashes. No one is expecting you to publicly whip yourself in repentence.
How pointless and tedious it would be to have you endlessly apologize ("Ma, you burned the spaghetti sauce in 1992. Really, it's time to move on already.").
By telling yourself the truth you are making a point that you are teachable and that you can change. That you have character and are willing to take the bad news, internalize it to the point where you grow and then can forgive yourself for what you said or did.
I hate the thought of going through a tough time and not learning anything from it. That means the next time (and oh, brother, there will be a next time) I mess up perhaps it won't be so devastating because I'll have learned from the last time. Otherwise I'm just continually trying to walk through a locked door.
That bumping sound you hear is my head endlessly hitting the wall.
Tell yourself the truth. Demonstrate in your own life how you'd like others to react when they're confronted with truth.
Take a deep breath. Let it out. State internally what you did in this situation. List it and acknowledge to yourself and to God that you blew it.
Allow yourself to experience the regret you feel and the sadness you are experiencing for a short time. Be thoughtful and considerate of the events that just occurred.
Here's the tough part. Get up, keep going.
But leave the burden of guilt and judgement behind. By telling yourself the truth and dealing with it, you've just released yourself from that weight.
Accept that fact and consider yourself older and wiser.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The Truth Hurts
It's really easy to discuss truth and it's merits when it applies to someone else:
THEY should understand the truth,
SHE needs to get her act together,
HE needs to accept what's really going on.
I've discovered that it's an entirely different story when the person who must acknowledge the truth turns out to be YOU.
Isn't it remarkable how even our description of events slants heavily in our defense, i.e.,
"I 'only' wanted to help, "
"I'm 'just' telling you how I feel,"
"I'm 'confused' by your reaction."
The blame, however, sounds like this:
"You're 'crazy' if you think I'm wrong,"
"You're 'selfish' to not appreciate me,"
"They are 'disrespectful' by forgetting my birthday."
As we discuss the value of truth, let's not overlook a very crucial component of it:
Telling OURSELVES the truth.
I think it's interesting to observe the many times I/we/they/you rationalize our own thoughts and behaviors. We don't fully investigate just why we want to do and say this stuff. We go off on a rampage, often with good intentions, trying to do something we think is good and right.
Then we are totally annihilated to learn we've blown it and caused trouble.
Maybe the person we helped didn't want or need it.
Maybe the comment we thought would help turned out to be the worst thing ever to say.
Maybe, with good intentions, we tidied up and accidently threw away Aunt Tillies' ashes that were stored in that old, broken box on the shelf.
Oops.
So after the fact, we are faced with hurt, bewilderment, confusion. You feel shock that something you thought was a good thing turned out to be a terrible thing after all.
Here come the choices you have to make:
1). You could become angry. Self-righteous anger always sounds good at the beginning. You could rant and rave and tell everyone you know how misunderstood you are. Plus the story, over time, will become even bigger and your victimization can grow exponentially.
2). You could become a martyr. There's some satisfaction to be enjoyed when you convince yourself and everyone else how you give and give and THIS is what you get for it.
Mankind might even construct a statue in your honor someday.
3). Or you could do the hard work of trying to see how your action or comment really came across to the other person:
Was I sensitive?
Was I timely?
Did it have to be said and/or done the way it was?
Did I assume a reaction that couldn't have occurred?
Did I try to manipulate or pressure the other person to give in to me?
Was the situation necessary or could it have waited?
Here's the thing about being truthful to yourself: it's HARD. It's hard to admit you messed up if you answer the above questions in a way that reveals your fault.
But it's important to be able to tell yourself and admit the truth.
The truth says, yes, I meant well (maybe) but it was done poorly. I messed up. I need to reexamine my intentions. I need to determine how I can avoid that calamity again.
It hurts. But the pain associated with telling yourself the truth is a healing pain. It isn't designed to maim and destroy but to help aid growth and enhance character.
Think about your relationships. Remember your surprise and delight when someone dear to you admitted they were wrong about something (not that they 'gave in' and you won the fight) and apologized. Recall the respect you felt for their ability to admit a mistake and be strong enough to tell you.
Please don't fear telling yourself the truth. No judgements or criticisms. Just the truth.
Then move on.
THEY should understand the truth,
SHE needs to get her act together,
HE needs to accept what's really going on.
I've discovered that it's an entirely different story when the person who must acknowledge the truth turns out to be YOU.
Isn't it remarkable how even our description of events slants heavily in our defense, i.e.,
"I 'only' wanted to help, "
"I'm 'just' telling you how I feel,"
"I'm 'confused' by your reaction."
The blame, however, sounds like this:
"You're 'crazy' if you think I'm wrong,"
"You're 'selfish' to not appreciate me,"
"They are 'disrespectful' by forgetting my birthday."
As we discuss the value of truth, let's not overlook a very crucial component of it:
Telling OURSELVES the truth.
I think it's interesting to observe the many times I/we/they/you rationalize our own thoughts and behaviors. We don't fully investigate just why we want to do and say this stuff. We go off on a rampage, often with good intentions, trying to do something we think is good and right.
Then we are totally annihilated to learn we've blown it and caused trouble.
Maybe the person we helped didn't want or need it.
Maybe the comment we thought would help turned out to be the worst thing ever to say.
Maybe, with good intentions, we tidied up and accidently threw away Aunt Tillies' ashes that were stored in that old, broken box on the shelf.
Oops.
So after the fact, we are faced with hurt, bewilderment, confusion. You feel shock that something you thought was a good thing turned out to be a terrible thing after all.
Here come the choices you have to make:
1). You could become angry. Self-righteous anger always sounds good at the beginning. You could rant and rave and tell everyone you know how misunderstood you are. Plus the story, over time, will become even bigger and your victimization can grow exponentially.
2). You could become a martyr. There's some satisfaction to be enjoyed when you convince yourself and everyone else how you give and give and THIS is what you get for it.
Mankind might even construct a statue in your honor someday.
3). Or you could do the hard work of trying to see how your action or comment really came across to the other person:
Was I sensitive?
Was I timely?
Did it have to be said and/or done the way it was?
Did I assume a reaction that couldn't have occurred?
Did I try to manipulate or pressure the other person to give in to me?
Was the situation necessary or could it have waited?
Here's the thing about being truthful to yourself: it's HARD. It's hard to admit you messed up if you answer the above questions in a way that reveals your fault.
But it's important to be able to tell yourself and admit the truth.
The truth says, yes, I meant well (maybe) but it was done poorly. I messed up. I need to reexamine my intentions. I need to determine how I can avoid that calamity again.
It hurts. But the pain associated with telling yourself the truth is a healing pain. It isn't designed to maim and destroy but to help aid growth and enhance character.
Think about your relationships. Remember your surprise and delight when someone dear to you admitted they were wrong about something (not that they 'gave in' and you won the fight) and apologized. Recall the respect you felt for their ability to admit a mistake and be strong enough to tell you.
Please don't fear telling yourself the truth. No judgements or criticisms. Just the truth.
Then move on.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Even More About Truth
I'd like to suggest we always tell the truth and here's why:
We want to be safe.
There's nothing like being in a relationship where you are safe and free from fear. Where you know that if someone tells you something you can rely on that information and take appropriate action. Even if the news is painful you are shielded from criticism and rejection because you know the person sharing it has no destructive motives.
I strive to be that kind of person. It's a true honor when someone seeks your opinion and believes what you say. From clothing choices to paint colors to the choice of a mate, it's important to be the person who is known for being truthful and offering safety while doing it.
I was taught that in order to have a friend you have to be a friend. In order to be safe you must offer safety. In order to have someone be truthful you must be truthful yourself.
Again, this goes back to my former blog that discusses our motives. If your motive is to be useful and you desire to tell the truth because it will be helpful, through practice and effort, the same will be given you.
It may not happen right away. You may have to be the loving truth teller all by yourself for a while.
But once your offer of safety is recognized who knows? You may be the catalyst for changing an entire group of friends. Or family. Or church.
And that's the truth.
We want to be safe.
There's nothing like being in a relationship where you are safe and free from fear. Where you know that if someone tells you something you can rely on that information and take appropriate action. Even if the news is painful you are shielded from criticism and rejection because you know the person sharing it has no destructive motives.
I strive to be that kind of person. It's a true honor when someone seeks your opinion and believes what you say. From clothing choices to paint colors to the choice of a mate, it's important to be the person who is known for being truthful and offering safety while doing it.
I was taught that in order to have a friend you have to be a friend. In order to be safe you must offer safety. In order to have someone be truthful you must be truthful yourself.
Again, this goes back to my former blog that discusses our motives. If your motive is to be useful and you desire to tell the truth because it will be helpful, through practice and effort, the same will be given you.
It may not happen right away. You may have to be the loving truth teller all by yourself for a while.
But once your offer of safety is recognized who knows? You may be the catalyst for changing an entire group of friends. Or family. Or church.
And that's the truth.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Telling the Truth Part Two
I was brought up to believe that it is crucial to tell the truth at all times.
That if I got caught lying I'd get a whupping.
That God knows if you're trying to get away with something and He'll nab you.
That it's always better to tell the truth no matter what.
I remember the quandry that teaching put me in when Aunt Tessie asked me if I liked her crocheted toilet paper holder and I really didn't. If I told the truth I would hurt her feelings but if I lied to spare Aunt Tessie's feelings I'd get whupped by my parents AND God.
I couldn't win!
No wonder so many of us would rather float by with a little white lie than to risk the consequences of telling the truth.
On the other hand, I've been victimized by those who grasp that 'truth at any cost' concept and use the truth to grind me into the ground. I've been told I'm fat, stupid, silly, and a bad wife by one relative who commonly used 'truth' to beat the tar out of anyone who protested.
"Well, I'm sorry, but it's the TRUTH!" We'd be told while we're licking our wounds.
Friends, that's not the type of truth I'm talking about. It's not okay to totally destroy someone by our opinion and then defend ourselves by claiming it's the truth. No one is nurtured by that form of truth nor does anyone learn positive behaviors and attitudes from it.
I call that the 'steamroller' brand of truth telling and I cringe when I witness it.
I've seen Moms tell their children they can't have any more candy because they're too fat.
I've heard husbands tell their wives they're not as pretty as the actress on TV.
I've observed parents telling their children they're too clumsly to take dance lessons.
All of these comments, while truthful, are destructive and I'm against it.
I'm not telling you to lie; I'm asking you to rephrase your comment so it is uplifting rather than hurtful. I'm suggesting you deflect questions you might find difficult.
In Bible college we were taught how to answer difficult questions. One great example:
"Isn''t my baby beautiful?"
(Frankly my friends, they aren't all Gerber babies!)
Here's the standard suggested answer:
"My, that certainly IS a baby, isn't it?"
I think it's possible to be totally truthful without being a real meanie about it. Think ahead, don't attack out of anger, deflect.
It can be done.
That if I got caught lying I'd get a whupping.
That God knows if you're trying to get away with something and He'll nab you.
That it's always better to tell the truth no matter what.
I remember the quandry that teaching put me in when Aunt Tessie asked me if I liked her crocheted toilet paper holder and I really didn't. If I told the truth I would hurt her feelings but if I lied to spare Aunt Tessie's feelings I'd get whupped by my parents AND God.
I couldn't win!
No wonder so many of us would rather float by with a little white lie than to risk the consequences of telling the truth.
On the other hand, I've been victimized by those who grasp that 'truth at any cost' concept and use the truth to grind me into the ground. I've been told I'm fat, stupid, silly, and a bad wife by one relative who commonly used 'truth' to beat the tar out of anyone who protested.
"Well, I'm sorry, but it's the TRUTH!" We'd be told while we're licking our wounds.
Friends, that's not the type of truth I'm talking about. It's not okay to totally destroy someone by our opinion and then defend ourselves by claiming it's the truth. No one is nurtured by that form of truth nor does anyone learn positive behaviors and attitudes from it.
I call that the 'steamroller' brand of truth telling and I cringe when I witness it.
I've seen Moms tell their children they can't have any more candy because they're too fat.
I've heard husbands tell their wives they're not as pretty as the actress on TV.
I've observed parents telling their children they're too clumsly to take dance lessons.
All of these comments, while truthful, are destructive and I'm against it.
I'm not telling you to lie; I'm asking you to rephrase your comment so it is uplifting rather than hurtful. I'm suggesting you deflect questions you might find difficult.
In Bible college we were taught how to answer difficult questions. One great example:
"Isn''t my baby beautiful?"
(Frankly my friends, they aren't all Gerber babies!)
Here's the standard suggested answer:
"My, that certainly IS a baby, isn't it?"
I think it's possible to be totally truthful without being a real meanie about it. Think ahead, don't attack out of anger, deflect.
It can be done.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Telling the Truth
Most people claim that they always tell the truth; they indignantly deny that they lie.
They don't cheat on their taxes, crossword puzzles, or their spouses. They attend church, put in an honest days' work for an honest days' pay. They 'fess up if they receive too much change back from a purchase.
Good for them.
But folks are less-than-truthful when they think someone's feelings might be hurt or they themselves may look bad in some way.
Think about it.
You learn that Sadie is in trouble at work because she wears her skirts too high and her tops too low. Everyone knows about it since it's been a topic of conversation at the lunch table for months.
Everyone except Sadie, that is. And Sadie's a nice girl, she really is. Smart and friendly and very easy to talk to. Ummmm....but probably not about this.
So when she says in a hurt voice that people are looking at her strangely and talking about her and she doesn't understand why and the bosses are grumbling but no one tells her anything and she's going crazy with worry what do you do?
What would most of us do? Lie. We say we don't understand either. It will be okay. We tell her not to worry about it; that she's just imagining it.
But we don't tell her, in true caring fashion, that the problem is her work attire. That we are concerned as her friend and know she's unaware of how it appears to the boss. We don't have any thoughtful suggestions available: maybe a sweater, scarf, or pair of leggings may be helpful.
We keep the information to ourselves even though it kills us to do so; we've been taught 'if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.' We think we're being nice because we don't want to hurt Sadie's feelings.
What we don't realize is that by not telling Sadie the truth we are hurting her even more. We aren't giving her a chance to know the truth so she can deal with it. We are leaving her to fend for herself without the correct information. Ultimately, when (and if) Sadie discovers we've known the problem all along she will be hurt even more thinking we conspired against her.
I know I've experienced painful situations where everyone knew my problem but me. It wasn't about my clothing but actually about ME. When I finally learned of it I felt betrayed that no one cared enough about me to tell me the truth.
So here's what I've developed to help in the decision-making process when I had information and I wasn't sure I should keep it to myself. I ask myself the question:
"If it were me in that situation would I want/need to know?"
If the answer is yes, I know I have to tell the truth because I really care for the other person. I don't want them to be outside the loop, especially if the situation involves their health, happiness, or state of mind.
If the answer is no, if it would make no difference in the final outcome, I keep the news to myself.
More on telling the truth on my next blog.
In the meantime, if you have any comments please feel free to add them here.
Plus, if you want a copy of 'Top Tips for Managing Anger" you can email me @ stlwazzy@aol.com.
They don't cheat on their taxes, crossword puzzles, or their spouses. They attend church, put in an honest days' work for an honest days' pay. They 'fess up if they receive too much change back from a purchase.
Good for them.
But folks are less-than-truthful when they think someone's feelings might be hurt or they themselves may look bad in some way.
Think about it.
You learn that Sadie is in trouble at work because she wears her skirts too high and her tops too low. Everyone knows about it since it's been a topic of conversation at the lunch table for months.
Everyone except Sadie, that is. And Sadie's a nice girl, she really is. Smart and friendly and very easy to talk to. Ummmm....but probably not about this.
So when she says in a hurt voice that people are looking at her strangely and talking about her and she doesn't understand why and the bosses are grumbling but no one tells her anything and she's going crazy with worry what do you do?
What would most of us do? Lie. We say we don't understand either. It will be okay. We tell her not to worry about it; that she's just imagining it.
But we don't tell her, in true caring fashion, that the problem is her work attire. That we are concerned as her friend and know she's unaware of how it appears to the boss. We don't have any thoughtful suggestions available: maybe a sweater, scarf, or pair of leggings may be helpful.
We keep the information to ourselves even though it kills us to do so; we've been taught 'if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.' We think we're being nice because we don't want to hurt Sadie's feelings.
What we don't realize is that by not telling Sadie the truth we are hurting her even more. We aren't giving her a chance to know the truth so she can deal with it. We are leaving her to fend for herself without the correct information. Ultimately, when (and if) Sadie discovers we've known the problem all along she will be hurt even more thinking we conspired against her.
I know I've experienced painful situations where everyone knew my problem but me. It wasn't about my clothing but actually about ME. When I finally learned of it I felt betrayed that no one cared enough about me to tell me the truth.
So here's what I've developed to help in the decision-making process when I had information and I wasn't sure I should keep it to myself. I ask myself the question:
"If it were me in that situation would I want/need to know?"
If the answer is yes, I know I have to tell the truth because I really care for the other person. I don't want them to be outside the loop, especially if the situation involves their health, happiness, or state of mind.
If the answer is no, if it would make no difference in the final outcome, I keep the news to myself.
More on telling the truth on my next blog.
In the meantime, if you have any comments please feel free to add them here.
Plus, if you want a copy of 'Top Tips for Managing Anger" you can email me @ stlwazzy@aol.com.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)