Reality Check

Dear Hubby and I went camping last weekend.

Call me romantic, but when Don gifted me with a 2 night basic camping reservation at my favorite local park I was delighted.

No delicates or expensive jewelry for me; the only fluffy stuff I'm interested in right now is toasted marshmallows over a roaring campfire.

Not a tough decision- would I rather wear something pretty or eat something yummy?

Yummy!

Anyway, despite some dark clouds and a few rain drops we threw our gear in the trunk and drove to the campground. Right away I settled into the limitations of basic living- you eat only what you brought, you cook in the one pan you have, use only that which you have with you.

It was nice. And peaceful.

I couldn't think about all the stuff I had to do because I had brought no work with me. Don and I walked and talked and generally allowed ourselves to unwind. (btw, I think I did better than Don at unwinding because our second day camping he began to experience detox from tv- it almost got ugly there for a bit).

It stormed, too. Our stuff got soggy. We managed to wring stuff out and carry on.
Didn't change my clothes for 2 days but that's another story entirely.

When our trip was over (sigh) we packed up our gear and went home. We were relaxed and content. We sat in our favorite chairs and just stared off into space.

Then daughter Kari came upstairs, sat down and looked at me expectantly.

"i'd like to go to the mall."

Expectant pause while looking at me.

I deflate.

I hesitate.

And then I cave in.

So we drive to this nice mall and I am struck by how different the mindset is among shoppers than campers.

Camping mindset: The marshmallows are crunched? You dropped the hot dog on the ground? Pick it up quick and brush it off! I'm sure it's still good if you eat it fast. Forgot your hairbrush? Don't worry about it- you're wearing a hat anyway and we all look homeless.

Shopping mindset: I NEED new shoes. No, those are too plain. I want some fancy ones. But they're pretty. That outfit is pretty; it looks like the other one in the other store. Lots of accessories; I need lots of jewelry, purses, hats, etc...

By the time I got back home I was mentally scrambled. The change in reality was exhausting.

I'm not criticizing shopping, malls, materialism and espousing all nature and simplicity.
I'm suggesting I need to be reminded what is valuable to me. Sometimes there's nothing like a great shopping trip with a great companion. It allows you time to share opinions and learn about each other.

But so does simplicity.

Scary Experience While Hiking

I thought it was over.

Every dire warning, every caution I had been given in the past rang chillingly in my brain.
I was in real danger here. And I didn't know how to rescue myself.

Even as I sit here sharing this experience with you I am reminded how many times I ignore really good advice. I am humbled by my tendency to rush blindly into things without being mindful of the results.

Here's what happened:

I love to hike. It restores me and refreshes my thoughts. While hiking I am reminded of the intricacies of God and how He cares about detail. So many things today (before my traumatic experience) showed me how God cares about things in nature most of us will never even see. It keeps my perspective realistic.

So here I am, about 2 or more miles on the hiking trail- about halfway. I've seen some people also enjoying the trail but hadn't seen anyone for a while.

Suddenly I became aware of a horrible, dull sound. Rhythmically following me. I tried not to overreact so I calmly stopped. Whoever or whatever it was stopped also.
My heart began to beat faster as I realized I was totally at the mercy of whatever it was that was behind me. I took a few more steps, sensing that someone was lurking behind me who meant to cause me harm.

It is true that your thoughts kind of race when you panic. In my mind I heard Don scold me for hiking alone, and other people warning me that despite my sense of safety I had to take steps to protect myself.

I promised myself that if I got out of this I'd actually pay attention to the warnings. I hoped I'd survive whatever this freaky thing is- what good is a lesson learned if you don't live to talk about it?

The sound grew louder and louder as I attempted to calmly continue along the trail in hopes of meeting another hiker.

No such luck.

This really wasn't funny, guys. I was terrified. How would my family fare emotionally if something terrible happened to me?

I determined that no matter what was about to happen, I would fight and I would prevail. I wiped my sweaty palms on my shorts in anticipation.

Then I noticed something.

When I rubbed my hands on my shorts the horrible, menacing sound stopped. It changed into a soft swishy sound. I touched the sides of my shorts again to confirm my suspicions. And I laughed nervously.

What I had been convinced was a threatening sound was, in reality, my shorts legs rubbing together as I hiked. The heavy tread of footsteps behind me wasn't behind me at all, rather, it was the sound of my own steps mingled with the friction of my clothing as I walked down the path!

What a relief!

And how embarrassing.

I'm not really sure what the true lesson was in this except I shouldn't be hiking by myself in the near future.

Either that or I should bring talcum powder along with me.

Out of My Comfort Zone

Or maybe deeper into it. My comfort zone, that is.

I don't seem to think like most other folks.

While I'm generally respectful of the opinions of others, I tend to take a different approach to my outlook on life.

It doesn't take much for me to burst out laughing (NOT recommended at a funeral, as I've learned) simply because I have a running commentary in my head in response to what's going on.

My daughter Kari says I'm the only person she knows who can be alone in a room and start hooting and hollering over something. I tell her I'm the only one who gets the joke!

I've been (mostly) happily counseling for 12 years and I'm pretty experienced in teaching and encouragement.

What I've noticed is that overall, very few of us give ourselves permission to just enjoy our lives; apparently, as believers in Christ we're supposed to be very heartfelt and earnest.

Well, I'm here to tell you, laughter is good for you! It has healing power and forces us to surrender our self-control to the light-hearted moment. Any woman over 50 knows just HOW out of control we can be when we start laughing...Depends, anyone?

I'm planning an informal gathering in mid-September (exact date tba) for folks to gather to be entertained.

Um, by ME.

For quite a while I've wanted to share my ability to tell funny stories, and hopefully, get a chuckle or two out of my listeners. I'm not positive where it will all lead, but I'm willing to risk it.

So here goes. I'll be updating my blog with info as it comes in. I'm looking for a local place for us to gather (hubby Don says we can meet at the park but Honey, I'm not into inhaling bugs for ANYBODY).

Pray for me and pray for the attenders. Especially the attenders.

Thanks.

Courage to Change

Have you noticed how easy it is to encourage someone else to do something challenging, yet when you're the one being pushed to change it's an entirely different story?

I find myself constantly weighing and measuring what I say vs. what I do. I can acknowledge that it's one thing to urge a friend to try new things; it's easy to observe the outcome and, honestly, doesn't involve any personal risk.

But MAN, I seem to be reading from a different instruction manual when it's all up to me. Suddenly I can rattle off every excuse known to man why it's not going to work in my case. Any joy or excitement (or knowing God is blessing me) dissipates when I'm the 'chosen one.'

I remember when I was still in college- my best friend, Terrie, and I were very competitive about speech class. We were always somehow trying to get the best grades. In doing so, I think we motivated each other to a level of success I know I wouldn't have worked for alone.

Here's why:

Terrie loved speech, public speaking, and all things drama related. I, on the other hand, had stage fright and feared blanking out in front of my peers. The night before many speech days I'd pray for death, the Rapture, some freak accident. I'd beg the Lord to give the speech teacher amnesia. That there'd be a hurricane or tsunami that would somehow delay my turn in front of the class(without losing points, of course).

So, up comes a speech competition open to all students, but the speech students are required to enter. The best 10 speeches then got to speak in front of the entire student body (maybe 1,000 students) at chapel. Terrie was geared up for it, looked forward to it, and spent lots of time diligently preparing to move forward in the competition.

I, on the other hand, just focused on not forgetting my lines. That's all.

So the magical day arrives when they announce the 10 students' names; those chosen ones who will gleefully show their stuff in chapel on that special day.

I'm totally pumped- for Terrie. I'm all into encouraging her to accept she was going to be named and that she'd enjoy it. I strutted around acknowledging that I had a talented friend. I made a big big deal over pointing to her with a knowing look when the contestants names were being called.

And I was right! Terrie was named and I was so happy for her! She really deserved it.
But then... my name was called next.

So here's the point.

I totally wilted. I felt like the judge had just sentenced me to life in prison. I began crying in fear of having to move out of my comfort zone by speaking in chapel.

It was awful. My memories of those days and weeks in preparation are dim as I reacted in fear and looked at the challenge as a death sentence.

Back to now:

I'm being challenged right now to step out of my comfort zone. I'm excited and terrified. I can think of all the reasons why this step won't succeed. Depending on my attitude, I will either be a shining success or a dismal failure.

It's funny, really, how inconsistent we are. I have to be honest with myself to admit that the same rules of encouragement I apply to others must also apply to me. Stepping out in faith means believing God will sort it all out. My job is just to do the stepping.

I've got some stuff swirling around that I'm working on. Some new ideas and some risks I'm hoping to take. I'll try to keep you guys in the know about them.

By the way, I did fine in the competition. I prepared, walked forward when they called my name to speak, did what I could, and sat back down. I didn't win, but I lived to talk about it.

Some 35 years later.

Rest and Renewal

Hi Gang!

Hubby and I are back home from our first vacation in 3 years. We went to Colorado where we enjoyed 85 degree temperatures while poor old St. Louis had heat warnings.

I'd like to feel sympathy for my friends back home but I was having too much fun.

Being 'in the moment' was a real challenge for me; I had gotten in the habit of reviewing the past and worrying about the future.

I believe God deliberately gives us each moment of our lives a moment at a time for a reason.

That reason being we'd rush ahead or lag behind if we got to spend our time any way we wanted.
That's why this Colorado time out was so important to me.

I needed to get away and reevaluate my life and how I spend it.
Who I'm living for and what is important to me.

I was reminded of the glory and power of God when hiking the Maroon Bells to Crater Lake in Aspen, CO.
To view with appreciation the fact that God doesn't need ME to move mountains- He's capable of that and more.

To notice how swiftly rushing water is created by melting snow high above us reminded me that God works behind the scenes in my life so that His timing is perfect.

To be able to breathe (despite the change in altitude) made me appreciate every breath I'm given each day.

I've been able to rest and be renewed. I've learned that I can do more things than I thought- I went horseback riding and didn't fall off; I survived whitewater rafting (the only doubt I had was when they handed me my wetsuit and expected me to be able to wriggle it on without needing CPR afterwards)!

I'm challenged to try new things now that I'm back home. I'll be blogging about it as I go along so stay tuned.

Oh, one more thing: I don't know if you think God uses symbolism in our life-lessons but I do. As we were driving down the highway in Colorado we were dive-bombed by an eagle! Seriously. It swooped so close to our windshield that both Don and I ducked. It then flew off and disappeared. We're still talking about it.

Observations

I've been talking with lots of parents these last few days who have the same concerns about their skills:

Are they too lenient?
Are they taking the right steps?
Will their children survive their childhoods?
Will they survive their children's adulthoods?

I'm on a fact-gathering mission at this time and it seems that most of us are in the same dilemma: Having peace that the decisions we have made or are presently making are the BEST for the future of our families.

Have hope, fellow parents!

Take each day as it comes. Be strong in your boundaries and in your own choices to benefit your legacy.

In the meantime...

Please notice that it's summer. Like, it's a good thing. Like, man, chill out.

Have a nice cool drink. Turn on the baseball game. Grill some grilly thingies.

Relax.

By the way, I will continue to do my research. And have some grilly things.

I will update soon.

When to Say 'When'

As our children get older and more independent, it's very difficult to recognize our need to construct new boundaries. Giving a 16 year-old a few bucks to enjoy a summer day at the pool with friends is far different from giving a 25 year-old money to do the same thing.

The former is intended as a treat to enjoy childhood. The second could result in delaying a smoother transition into adulthood.

Confusing? You bet.

The issue comes into play when we as parents struggle with letting our babies suffer.

Even if they're adults.

Think of your own passage into adulthood.

I can understand if your transition story is extraordinarily difficult. Many of my clients were treated harshly as teens and forced to give up their childhoods much too soon. If you're one of those folks, I'm sorry.

Yet we can't go to the opposite extreme and delay the natural maturing process in our children by keeping them dependent on us.

It sounds so heartless, especially since most of us parents usually have more expendable income. I mean, if we have it why shouldn't we share it with our kids?

Because it stunts their decision-making skills (e.g. "if I spend this money on fast food now I won't be able to go to the movies with my friends this weekend...").

It also teaches our children that they don't REALLY have to be inconvenienced (e.g. "I know this money is supposed to last all month but Mom always gives in and gives me more. I can spend this now and she'll help me out.").

What I suggest is that you look at the long-term goals you have for your kids.
Do you want them to be able to do without things and gain a sense of pride as they work to provide for themselves?

Here's the real question:

Is it more rewarding for you to have them rely (read:depend) on you than it would be to watch them be independent?

It's tricky, that's for sure.

For this week, try this:

Don't rush to step in for your adult children to make things easier for them. Allow yourself to watch them figure things out for themselves.

Sit on your hands, hide your wallet, bite your tongue.

Emotionally expect them to be able to make decisions and then live with those decisions.
Eventually they will be better off due to their improved decision-making skills.

And eventually, so will you.