Understanding the Grief of Others

We really can't understand what we haven't experienced.

Or, more honestly, we'd like to understand it WITHOUT having experienced it.

I'd love to nod and give perfect wisdom to dear friends who experience pain and grief.

And it's so easy to give advice to someone who is indescribably burdened.  We quote verses and tell them to trust God.  We say 'This too shall pass."  And we go home.

Admittedly, it's very difficult for me to walk alongside someone who needs me in a crisis. Sometimes I want to cut and run.

I grieve as I watch friends and other loved ones suffer.  I want to get into the mix and fix it.

I want to hire a ninja.

But since I can't, all I can do is BE with the sufferer.  Not to say things or to heal anyone.  Just to be a calm/protecting presence in the crisis.

Only then can we begin to understand the grief of others.

Be Careful What You Wish For

When the new year began I decided I was tired of the 'somedays' of my life.

SOMEDAY I'm going to keep all my lunch meeting promises with friends.

SOMEDAY I'm going to take my dog for more walks.

SOMEDAY I'll take MYSELF for more walks!

SOMEDAY I'll start planning to accomplish a few things on my bucket list.


So in my fervor to accomplish something I asked hubby Don to go away for a weekend so I can finally concentrate on writing my new book.  He was willing and I felt satisfied.

His weekend visit is now a weeklong trip to Florida to visit his family (I'm glad cuz his family is important).

But now I'm faced with the reality of doing what I set out to do- write my new book.

The 'what if's' that strike us all is in my face with a vengeance.

WHAT IF I can't express what I want to say?

WHAT IF I have writer's block?

WHAT IF I sound like every other Christian writer out there?

WHAT IF it is too long or too short when I'm done?

WHAT IF I have a stroke of genius and I get accused of plagiarism?

At any rate, I can rest in the fact that I'm not expected to produce a masterpiece with my first draft.

That's a comfort.

It's just that this next work is way deeper than my first one, "Lord, Shut Me Up!"  I'm already opening up some of my own pain and hurts from my past.  That's risky. Plus, um, it hurts.

So as I pray and write and pray some more, I have to admit that risk is risky and sometimes we have to be careful what we wish for.

We just might get it.

Responsible and Unhappy

Anyone who states that growing up is fun hasn't grown up yet. Take it from someone who has delayed the process as long as possible.

There have been a lot of decisions I've had to make within the last several weeks that, if I'd been able to stay irresponsible, would have suited me just fine.

However, there comes a time when each of us has to stand firm and be....

Responsible.

I really value what I do. I feel blessed (and lucky) to be able to do something that has meaning; I have fun counseling and I enjoy connecting with people who need guidance.

But lately I've found that what I do involves responsibility to do what is necessary even when it's easier not to.

For example, it's waaaaay easier to buy new socks than to wash the dirty ones I already own. It's easier to go out for fast food than to cook. And it's easier to be a 'yes man' than to stand up for what is the best thing.

I always assumed that being obedient to God meant everything was going to be smooth. I pictured the Mary Engelbreit-type poster with the rosy-cheeked mom in a cute little cottage baking heart-shaped cookies.

She looked happy even though her clothes didn't match.

But I'm learning that obedience is sometimes aggravating and painful. My clothes match and I'm not all that pleased about it...

Anyway, I admit I'm a late bloomer. I just now (I qualify for senior citizen discounts at McD's) feel comfortable in my life. I've made it an art to be clueless to avoid making choices.

But it's painful to stay oblivious. To suddenly be made aware of facts that have been there all along hurts a lot.

I can't opt to choose happiness at the expense of responsibility. Someone suffers either way. I can only cling to the fact that my belief in God's direction will win out.

Maybe then I can be happy that I've chosen to be responsible.

When God Seems Distant

Difficult circumstances in our lives are unavoidable. I hate that feeling of disbelief; it feels as if you've fallen out of an airplane and you forgot your parachute.
At those times, despite fervant and desperate prayers, it seems as if God is:
Playing a game
He's looking the other way
He just plain old doesn't care.

I see so many people who experience such confusion. They wonder who sucker punched them and why. What did they do that was so bad?
Not only is there pain about the actual situation; there is also pain in wondering why God didn't protect them or spare them completely.

At those times all we can do is hang on until the ride is over.

Then we get a chance to look back at the ordeal and reassess. What really happened and how we handled it. What we could have done better. What we did well.
Finally, we are able to recognize that God wasn't so distant after all; He has a perfect sense of timing. What we experienced was a moment of time in a process that God has orchestrated from the beginning.

Listen, I don't pretend to be an expert about trials and tribulations except for the fact that I've survived quite a few. And I witness many clients as they reel back in reaction to an unexpected hardship.

But I'm experienced enough to know that I don't really submit to God until I'm broken. And that's when I can finally get out of the way for Him to help me.

So it seems that God is not so distant after all. He's molding us and protecting us during the circumstances of our lives so we can acknowledge His guidance in our lives.
I really want to encourage you when you feel alone in your pain. Keep breathing and wait. Assume that God knows what's going on and everything has to play out.

More Painful Philosophy

Hey Everyone!

I've been slacking a bit on blogging, haven't I?

My reasons (excuses) are extensive and varied but it all comes down to this:

I've been trying to hibernate.

I don't know about you, but I consider myself a pretty strong and resilient person.

At least that's what I tell myself.

I can handle crisis and conflict, financial and even physical downturns.
I understand trials and realize they're (hopefully) temporary.

But once the real pain-physical, emotional or spiritual-hits I tend to take a tumble.
So here's where I expound eloquently about my concept of pain and the fact that I know God is still in control of my life:

It. Stinks.

Pain, that is.

But here's the thing:

I don't have to like it. I think anyone who isn't honest about their feelings about painful experiences is disrespecting the experience.

Lately several folks who hold a special place in my heart have been going through some terrible times.

Not unfortunate times or difficult times, but really gut-wrenching-I-may-not-live-through-this-or-even-want-to times.

And despite the fact I'm not personally experiencing this horror, in a big way I am.
And it hurts even second-hand.

So here's where my truthiness comes in:

It's awful and I'm hurting and I'm irritated and exhausted.

But all is not lost.

My reaction to pain is real but so is my response to the experience.
If I'm to learn something from it PLEASE let me learn it well.
Don't allow me to recoil from relationships lest I risk my own injury as I help others deal with theirs.
As a believer in Christ, it's phony to act all put-together when inside I'm falling apart.
So pain is real. My dear ones' experiences are real.

But God is Real-er.

Power of the Will

One thing you've probably noticed if you've been following my blog is that I enjoy laughing at myself.

I laugh at you, too, but you don't know that.

Anyway, what I think is really funny is how many excuses/reasons I have for explaining my actions. Depending on my own viewpoint I can reason away (aka excuse)anything.

If I want to do something I'll find a reason (It's the RIGHT thing to do, I want to show my support, etc.).

If I don't want to do it I'll find a reason (I don't 'feel led,' I'm overbooked, I'd be in the way...).

But today is a great example of overcoming true obstacles (I might have broken my toe yesterday falling over something- is 'puffy purple' a medical term?)

Earlier today Don and I found ourselves excitedly riding our bikes together on the Katy Trail. Against 20+ mph winds. Me with a severely bruised toe.

I found a way and managed to overcome real roadblocks. (Don didn't: apparently while I wasn't looking he turned his wheels wrong, took a ditch, and fell headlong over his handlebars. I saw him climbing back onto his bike after his tumble but was unfazed since he tends to fall down a lot).

So...

My will managed to ignore physical pain so I could do what I wanted to do. My stubbornness said those real obstacles weren't big enough to stop me.

My will pushed my thoughts beyond what I thought I could do; I actually forgot for a while that I had aches, pains, and pressing responsibilities.

My thoughts focused outward rather than inward.

So while I nurse my aches and pains (and Don's embarrassment)I'm energized by the ability God has given me to use the power of my will to enjoy life.

But boy, will I ever remember my limitations when I try to get out of bed tomorrow.

Especially if I don't WANT to get up.

To Those Who Grieve

Mere words can't describe how it must feel to lose someone dear to you. And mere words can't convey our sympathy and sorrow at your loss.

At times like this it's fear of saying or doing the wrong thing that keeps most of us silent; we don't know how to fix it. We can't take your pain away, nor can we fully understand the extent of how you must hurt.

Please know that we don't think it's fair either. It doesn't fit our grand scheme of life that someone who is a 'good guy' should be taken while others who are 'not so good' are left behind.

So forgive us if we say the wrong thing to you right now, or worse yet, don't say anything at all.

For me, it's because I don't want to disrespect your trauma. I don't want to overwhelm you with trite comments or anger you by telling you this event is God's Will.

No one really knows why this was allowed to happen.

So please know that you and your family are in our prayers. We will limp alongside you as you struggle to make sense of it all.

Let your friends and family grieve with you.

That's all we can do right now.

Purpose of Pain

I am not a masochist.
The idea of purposely hurting myself seems ridiculous;I don't even pluck my eyebrows due to the discomfort.

However, that's not to say I don't recognize when pain is necessary:

I go to the doctor for injections so I can feel better
I go to the dentist for a filling so I am healthier and improve my appearance
I move away from a bad relationship with no future
I change jobs or location to invest in a new and better life.

Over the years I've heard many complaints about how upset/angry people are that there is pain in their lives. I feel for them, I really do. I've experienced enough sleepless nights trying to figure it out, come up with an explanation, and even negotiate with God in an effort to escape pain myself.
I've come to this conclusion: Very few of us would willingly make changes, move ahead, take care of ourselves, surrender our will if we had our say in the matter. We just wouldn't. No one I know suffers willingly.
But once the pain has been experienced and it's all behind us, we admit it somehow helped us:
Our tooth no longer hurts
The fever is broken
I'm attracting healthier people into my life
The new job/location is so ME.

The next time (or maybe right now) you're facing pain consider this:
It's a passageway to get you over THERE.
There is a light and a purpose. A benefit you don't see yet.
But you will, I promise.