Understanding the Grief of Others

We really can't understand what we haven't experienced.

Or, more honestly, we'd like to understand it WITHOUT having experienced it.

I'd love to nod and give perfect wisdom to dear friends who experience pain and grief.

And it's so easy to give advice to someone who is indescribably burdened.  We quote verses and tell them to trust God.  We say 'This too shall pass."  And we go home.

Admittedly, it's very difficult for me to walk alongside someone who needs me in a crisis. Sometimes I want to cut and run.

I grieve as I watch friends and other loved ones suffer.  I want to get into the mix and fix it.

I want to hire a ninja.

But since I can't, all I can do is BE with the sufferer.  Not to say things or to heal anyone.  Just to be a calm/protecting presence in the crisis.

Only then can we begin to understand the grief of others.

Truth Hurts

Truth is really difficult to accept when it's someone elses' truth.

You find yourself somewhat confused and quite aggravated to discover what you thought was reality may not have been real after all.

I'm thinking of the times I've skipped merrily along thinking everything was cool. At the time I was probably even gloating about just how cool everything was. I had my thoughts figured out, my faith figured out, and even my relationships were neatly arranged in a perfect order.

How painful it is when I'm stopped short by a truth encounter I never expected.
And I feel that kind of pain now.

Some of my pain is grief because a friend of mine 'quit' me today. I feel sick and a little lost, trying to remember or figure out what I did wrong and what signals I'd missed over time.

Another element of pain is self-blame that I could be so clueless about someone else's feelings. I mean, I WORK with emotions for a LIVING. How could I have been so unaware of my own friends' feelings?

I'm fighting the old memories of another friendship that ended abruptly and badly.
All the fears, recriminations and rejections are right here in front of me.

But I know I have to be strong in order to hear the truth and learn from it.

Truth isn't always happyland.

So I'm spending the next little bit seeking God's truth and how it applies to me.

Hopefully I'll be able to accept the truth about myself and the difference between HAVING a friend and BEING a friend.

To Those Who Grieve

Mere words can't describe how it must feel to lose someone dear to you. And mere words can't convey our sympathy and sorrow at your loss.

At times like this it's fear of saying or doing the wrong thing that keeps most of us silent; we don't know how to fix it. We can't take your pain away, nor can we fully understand the extent of how you must hurt.

Please know that we don't think it's fair either. It doesn't fit our grand scheme of life that someone who is a 'good guy' should be taken while others who are 'not so good' are left behind.

So forgive us if we say the wrong thing to you right now, or worse yet, don't say anything at all.

For me, it's because I don't want to disrespect your trauma. I don't want to overwhelm you with trite comments or anger you by telling you this event is God's Will.

No one really knows why this was allowed to happen.

So please know that you and your family are in our prayers. We will limp alongside you as you struggle to make sense of it all.

Let your friends and family grieve with you.

That's all we can do right now.

Grief During the Holidays

Loss is difficult at any time of the year. There are adjustments to be made in our daily lives, and we experience what can only be described as a hole in our emotional ozone.

Not only is there the physical death of the loved one but the death of hope as well; hope that the relationship might get better, that the person may finally say what we think we need to hear. We must also acknowledge that the deposits (and withdrawals) in the memory bank representing that person have ceased.

We have built so much sentimentality into our holidays. That's why we want everything to be special. It's supposed to exemplify all that is good and right in our world. When our world shifts it feels awful.

When I mention sentimentality, I have to list almost every holiday movie, tv show. made-for-tv-movie that's ever existed.

My dear husband Don loooooves holiday movies. I daresay there isn't a single smarmy Christmas movie this dude hasn't seen and loved. Last year I jokingly gave him several Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen VHS Christmas movies as his gift. He watched every one of them and loved them all.

But Don's love for Christmas movies is a sterling example of the idealism we embrace during this season. The idealism that everything has to be a certain pre-set way and anything different ruins everything we hold sacred.

That's what makes us miss someone who is no longer there to retain their place in our traditions.

I know how I felt the first holiday afterI lost my Mom. Although things weren't perfect between us there was still an honored place for her during the holidays. When she was no longer there I felt weird. My loss felt greater when I couldn't make any more memories.

How about you? Have you felt laden with grief over someone no longer able to share your holidays? If so, I understand.

Being sentimental can be good. It's a way of processing thoughts and opinions, memories and dreams. Sentimentality creates within us an appreciation for the way things used to be.

I hope people miss me when I'm gone, don't you? I'd hate to think I made such a small impression in this world that there is no need to stop and reminisce. No desire to share funny and sad stories about my time on earth. That's true of everyone; to grieve over loss is important. It's a way to honor the place that person held in our heart.

So if you're feeling bereaved right now, remember that it's a symbol of respect for the one who is gone. Allow yourself to remember that person and give your heart the time it needs to process the effect he or she had your life.

So for this year, use your imagination to find a way to commemorate your departed loved one. Purchase a special ornament for the tree, serve their favorite dessert, use the hand towels or bath salts they gave you for a gift in prior years. Talk about them fondly.


But don't forget the folks who are still here. Don't be so lost in your loss you ignore those you still have in your life. Use this experience to create new memories and traditions that will not only honor the past but instill hope for the future.