Tightrope Walking

Romantic movies about weddings LIE!

They depict the mother-daughter relationship while planning a wedding to be all fancy lunches and fantasys shared over spa treatments.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Planning a wedding is inherently stressful. No mistake about it.

For example: Put two stressed adult women in an overheated car on a busy highway on the way to yet another possible reception venue site and you take stress to a whole new level.

We're talking nuclear meltdown.

I learned so much about myself while planning darling daughter's wedding this summer. I'm no stranger to planning events and preparing for them. I've been around, see.

I learned to lose lots of sleep trying to be creative with wedding and reception decorations.
I learned to delegate and find the best people for the right task. That was awesome.

But my biggest lesson was that despite all my brilliant ideas and how absolutely perfect they were and how much Kari and Gareth and everyone else would love them...

they still had to be approved by the bride.

Imagine that.

I really thought I was helping most of the time, being objective and trying to accomplish what my daughter was envisioning for her wedding. Yet most of our arguments centered around her impression that I didn't 'get it,' that what I was creating wasn't what she meant and I was stressing her out.

That was tough to hear. I thought I was being a saint, really. I hadn't said half the things I'd wanted to say. I'd also had to give up some ideas I thought were fabulous (even if I do say so myself).

Yet here she was, saying I was trying to do it MY way.

We got mad a lot. We cried a bit. We hugged a lot.

I learned to walk the tightrope of making sure I remained balanced in my desire to have this be Kari's special day and not my interpretation of it. Yes, I fell off a few times, landing flat on my face. Each time I was able to get back on the rope and keep going.

Because I really love my daughter. It was my time to step aside as the authority over her life and let it be done her way (um, mostly).

And we made it. It was a beautiful event.

At least in my opinion.

I'm Baaaaack!

Hi Folks,

I know it's been quite a while since I've updated my blog but I can 'splain.

My daughter got engaged in January and my mind exploded.

Pure and simple.

There's a lot of pressure in being the Mother of the Bride (note the capital letters).
Not only are there a vast amount of decisions to be made, the costs to be tallied, but there is also a great emotional expense involved in all of this.

The self control it takes to offer opinions to the nervous bride and know you have no real say in anything is nervewracking.

I know, I know. Most people assert that whoever pays for the wedding gets the final word.

Those folks must not have children.

There's a mysterious dance a mother and her daughter performs that requires dexterity and a selflessness that I fear I don't possess. Toes get trampled (along with feelings) as both women try to make decisions they can live with without hurting the mother/daughter relationship.
Despite my many missteps I THINK our relationship is still intact.

But it took some pride swallowing on the part of both of us.

I've got so much to share with you about the many instances of God's intervention and provision for all of this.

So get ready for waaaay too much information as I debrief about the last 6 months.

It's been fun, it's been awful, it's been challenging, it's been emotional.

And I'd do it all again (with some revisions). What an awesome experience.

Stop Sleeping on the Floor!

Christian service sometimes feels like a competition: How heavy can we make our workload before we prove that we are spiritual enough? We exhaust ourselves with ladies' meetings, Bible studies, committees, banquets, revivals, etc., in an effort to validate our worth.
All the while we long for rest, yet rarely accept it when it's offered to us.

In my counseling office, I speak to many exhausted Christians who want to get off the hamster wheel of ministry and yet fear the downtime it offers.
What will people think? What will God think? It seems selfish to need time to rest and recharge our batteries.

Most of us lack an understanding of our own motives and why we think we need to keep ourselves so harried. Sometimes fear keeps us pushing and striving to BE someone to God. While we strongly deny that we're trying to work our way into God's good graces, the fact is we don't want to take any chances.

We know we're accepted as we are and are assured of our place in heaven if we accept Jesus Christ into our hearts. But many of us still feel we have to overwork to show God how much we appreciate it.

I equate it to someone who's received a really wonderful gift; she's grateful and so sends a Thank You card to the giver. The giver responds with a Thank You for the Thank You. Then the recipient sends ANOTHER card thanking her for the Thank You for the Thank You!

Have you ever had that happen? I've had folks who've almost made me regret the initial kindness because the gratitude threatened to smother me after while.

I'm not suggesting that God grows tired of our praise and gratitude; He's very aware of the value of the gift. It just seems as if we neglect the freedom we are to enjoy due to that gift. There is a sense of having to repay the debt, which is something we can never do.

It can be very difficult to cut back on our Christian duties and allow someone else to lead, to bless us instead. After all, we were taught to be servants in His field. The problem comes when everyone is a servant and no one allows themselves to be served. Scripture states that we are to serve and be served (Galatians 5:13). Many times we take the hard path and don't allow ourselves to just sit and be blessed. It just isn't right to want that kind of care and attention.

For years I felt that service meant to press on and on. Over time I found myself grumpy and anxious. Then one day the Holy Spirit brought to mind how exhilarating it felt to bless someone and how lousy it felt when it wasn't accepted.

For example:
Imagine that you are expecting a dearly loved and long-awaited visitor. You gussy up the guest room, putting on the finest sheets, blankets and pillows. You purchase special indulgences for the guest bathroom in honor of this persons' importance in your live. You don't rest until everything is absolutely perfect.

Your guest arrives and you enjoy a wonderful but tiring evening together. Ushering her to the special guest room, she gushes enthusiastically over its decorations and thoughtful details. You go to bed thrilled at the opportunity to show this loved one how much you appreciate her.

The next morning arrives and you rise early to prepare a tasty breakfast. Going to the bedroom door, you knock and notice that you don't hear any movement inside. Concerned, you open the door a crack and peek inside.

You can't believe what you see! The beautiful bed that you so painstakingly smoothed and arranged for your company is untouched; not a single pillow or blanket has been disturbed.

Instead, you see your guest huddled on the floor in a pile of dirty, used sleeping bags you'd stored in the back of the closet. Opening her tired eyes, your guest sweetly says,
"Oh, it was too pretty to waste on someone like me!"

Aren't we like that with God? He has prepared a place for us, and has assured us of His loving care and desire to bless us. In return, we sigh and keep on working and striving, all the while ignoring the gifts He provides. Gifts such as love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance (Galatians 5:22,23).

I know how aggravated I get when my gift is deemed 'too special' to use and enjoy. I'm convinced that there are dresser drawers everywhere holding extravagant gifts to be used 'someday.' And I'm equally convinced that there are disappointed loved ones who would rather see their gift being used than being stored for later.

How about you? Do you consider God's gifts too special to be enjoyed on a daily basis? Do you find yourself sleeping on the floor, and not nestling into the life of peace and joy God wants you to enjoy?

I urge you to consider your own need to be ministered to as well as to minister. Sleeping on the floor is not a way to express gratitude for the life you've been given. Use the blessings, roll around in them and breathe deeply once in a while.

Think of all the money you'll save on Thank You cards.

Christmas Cheer Overload

I have finally experienced too much of a good thing.
We decided to pare down the gift giving for the 2009 holiday season.

The rules were simple:

$10 limit per person. However, each item had to be handmade, resale, pre-owned, repurposed or purloined from someone else (my idea of purloined is asking a friend if they had something they no longer wanted that I could have). The only stipulation was that each gift had to be nicely wrapped-and the paper had to be old/used/pre-owned as well.

I admit I had a blast obtaining items from random places and wrapping them up. There was a reckless abandon in finding things and hiding them. And I like to believe everyone else had fun as well.

Here's where the problem arose.

We put no limit on the number of gifts each person should receive. So when I had 5 gifts for one person that had little or no cost, I kept looking for ways to spend that $10 on them. I think everyone else had the same thinking, especially when we looked at the Christmas tree and the gifts were spilling out into the middle of the living room. It must have taken us several hours to unwrap everything till it got ridiculous.

Too many blessings! So many cool things we either couldn't remember what we had or couldn't fully appreciate them all. Seriously, we all looked a little exhausted as we viewed the mayhem and madness after the fact.

Over the last week I've been reliving that experience, of feeling overwhelmed with TOO MUCH good stuff. It got me to thinking of how God sometimes metes out our blessings in tiny amounts and we wish He'd be more generous. We look at other folks who have things we'd like to have or have the funds to do things we'd love to do and wish we were blessed like that. We're so certain we can handle it.

But I'm not so sure.

How pointless it would be to receive so many blessings we can't absorb them all. I'd hate for them to go to waste, wouldn't you?
And I'd hate to take anything for granted in the blessing process. I want to enjoy it ALL.

I'm already planning our holiday rules for next year. As much as I loved all the time and attention my family lavished on me this year I want it to be more measured next time. I want to oohh and ahhh over every item and hear the story behind where it came from and hug and kiss the giver.

And I want my God-given blessings to be appreciated the same way.

When God Answers Your Prayers

Human beings are an enigma. No. Change that. Human beings are contradictory. Wait. Maybe we're just indecisive; I think so but I'm not sure.

The point I'm trying to make is that we seem to want what we don't have and disregard the cool things we DO have. I don't have to tell you about our tendency to value what everyone else has, either characteristically or materially or even spiritually.
We seem to be so busy evaluating what our friends and neighbors have that we overlook our own blessings.

I wonder sometimes if we frustrate God. He promises to relate to us; to know us so well He sees our hearts and knows our desires. He knows our fervent (and not so fervent) prayers. Yet when those very prayers get answered we sit dumbly and don't know what to do with them.
I'm experiencing that sensation right now.

For years I've prayed for my daughter Kari and son Ryan. I love them both so much.
Recently Ryan made some life-changing decisions that I have prayed for and fully support.
I know those decisions are a direct answer to prayer.

And yet I find myself awed and maybe a little confused in the changes Ryan has made in his life.
God's response to my prayers has altered the direction my son is headed in life. I love it.
So why do I feel confusion when I actually get to witness this answer to prayer?

I think we get accustomed to people being who they are and doing what they do. Despite our hopes and prayers we don't really expect anything to change. We attempt to fit everyone into neat little categories and that's where they remain and that's what we wrap our lives around.

I've seen many wives spend years asking God to make their husbands the spiritual leader in their homes. These women plead and cry and beseech God to do a miracle on behalf of their spouse.

Then it happens.

One miraculous moment appears and dear old hubby 'gets it.'
Suddenly dear husband is repentant (yay!), attentive (double yay!), and eager to change.

But wait a minute.

If dear hubby changes, praying wife must change also. There can't be two head honchos in the same tipi. Someone has to adapt, step back, change behaviors.

This is what wife prayed for but it doesn't feel all that good.

Where we pushed before ("Come ON. Let's go to church") we find ourselves pulling back ("Can't you skip the men's prayer breakfast just this once so we can spend time together?").

That's why we are such an enigma. Do we want the Lord to answer our prayers or not? Do we want our loved ones to experience healing?

I think the question should be: Are we sincere enough in our prayers to be willing to deal with the consequences? Can we give up our identity of being the long-suffering wife (mom, dad, employee) in order to have our prayers answered?

I used to think this saying was a joke. Now that I'm being challenged to accept this 'new son' God has given me, I'm not so sure anymore.

Be careful what you pray for; you may just get it.

Ambition or Faith?

We walk a fine line between ambition and faith. Faith tells us to walk through open doors and take steps of trust in areas where God leads us. Ambition tells us to work every angle and push doors open by sheer will and hard work.

I struggle with the concept of ambition vs. faith quite often. Is God telling me to move ahead and market myself and my ministry or is it simply my own ambition?

I know myself; I know that I enjoy reaching people and touching lives that need encouragement and hope. But I've burned out in the past trying to do everything for everyone and all it really resulted in was lost time. And I'm left with the question: Was I operating by faith or ambition?

Many people in my age group (those who have been in the workforce for longer than 10 years) find themselves asking this same question. Many times they decide to keep striving, keep moving onward and upward in their quest for meaning in their lives. They find themselves in jobs they learn to hate because it pays well and has good benefits. Lifestyle choices convince them that they have to keep running on the hamster wheel of work and stress to maintain it.
When they get exhausted they resort to retail therapy, expensive vacations, toys, and finally, to therapy in the hopes of finding relief.

Is this what Scripture intended when it stated, "If a man does not work, neither shall he eat."?(II Thessalonians 3:10).

I don't think so.

Our faithfulness to God requires us to be obedient. Absolutely. But our society tells us that money will buy cool stuff and a great life, which is not necessarily true. Many folks I know have lots of money and are not as happy as we think they are.

This last week I asked several clients and friends if they thought God was subtle in their lives. Did they have to strive to hear God and feel panic that they had to stop everything to hear His 'still, small voice'?

Every one of them said no! God was not shy in any of their lives in guiding them into the right decisions for them. If anything, each one had to force themselves to sit back and relax until God led them. In the meantime, no one went without blessing- not one!

It reminds me of a conversation my daughter Kari had with a classmate in high school:
C: "So, Kari, do you have a job?"
K: "No, why do I want a job?"
C: "So you can get a car."
K: "Why do I need a car?"
C: "So you can get to work."

See the quandry? Are we to work too hard doing something we don't like to earn money to pay for stuff we're too exhausted to enjoy?

I want a legacy of proper investment in my life. That investment doesn't necessarily involve new cars (I'd love a new car!), or great vacations (I'd love a vacation, too). It does include being healthy enough to bless God and others, to have enough money to tithe, pay my bills, and donate a few bucks here and there when needed.

The answer to the question of ambition vs faithfulness = Which of the two choices bring contentment?
I Timothy 6:6 says, 'For godliness with contentment is great gain.'

I've decided to focus on contentment; God will certainly (and NOT subtly!) guide me in the work I am to do or to leave for someone else to accomplish.

Enough deep thought- I'm going to take a nap.

Deep Thoughts

I haven't had the desire to write lately.
My former (and first) pastor, John Erenz, suffered a massive heart attack last Wednesday, September 30, and could not be resuscitated. The news was totally unexpected; he'd been active and vital up until the very end.
Don and I were notified that same day along with details regarding the funeral. That meant I had a week to prepare and to begin the grieving process.
I mourned the loss of the man who, despite having no biological children of his own, could claim many of his former church members as 'adopted' into his family. His (and his wife Judy's) heart was so big he welcomed everyone into it.
I met John and Judy Erenz when I was 15 years old and had just accepted Christ as my personal Savior. They invited me to church and the youth group. Almost every experience in my younger years somehow involved Pastor John.
Pastor John always had time for me. Even when he didn't have time he had time. Often when life at my own home was unbearable I knew I could find refuge with him and Judy.
I learned so many things about integrity and faithfulness. I learned that no matter what everyone else was doing it was imperative to be obedient to what God wanted me to do. And the only way I could learn how to be obedient was to read the Bible.
Pastor John insisted I go to Bible college. But he also protected and supported me while I was there. It was so dramatic being a teenager!
There are so many stories I could share about my experiences with Pastor John. Each one reminds me that God brings people into our lives to have an affect on us and to help us along.
One thing I have always been militant about is that I have never missed sending Pastor John a Father's Day card. In 37 years I have never missed sending a carefully selected card- and Judy told me that he saved every one of them.
I know I'm not the only person on whom Pastor John kept a file of cards and notes. But I felt so special knowing how important my thoughts toward him were to him.
I've felt numb since receiving the tearful phone call from Judy telling me that PJ had died. Loss and pain mixed with joy that he finally, at 67, gets to sit down and chat with Jesus and Paul and Charles Spurgeon among others. He isn't getting tired of singing all 4 verses of every hymn in every hymnal. Maybe he'll finally be able to play his trumpet and actually reach the high notes without the angels plugging their ears.
As I found my seat in the First Baptist Church of Pecatonica, IL I looked around and noticed many familiar faces along with many folks I'd never seen before. All of these people were former or current friends of Pastor John. Many local pastors shared how much he helped them during difficult times in their own churches.
He'd always wanted everyone to get together for bonfires and dinners and holidays. I couldn't stop thinking, "Pastor John would have loved this. He'd have loved all these people getting together to sing and reminisce and maybe even shed a few tears over him. He'd have gloried in the lives he'd been able to reach in his years of serving the Lord. "
So Pastor John, good job. I will always remember you and what you've meant to me.
I will miss you so much, yet I know we will be reunited in heaven. You'll tell me what you've been up to and I'll tell you my stories. Maybe we'll reminisce about the 'old days.'
Thanks for everything Pastor John. Come good home.