What it Takes to Be a Counselor

I thought I'd exhausted the topic of counseling with my prior blog entries. I've already discussed why counseling is important, why you should seek counseling and what to expect at a session.

But I really need to address one more important concept:

What it takes to be a counselor.

It's an interesting phenomenon; most of us simply don't understand the interests or passions of others. There are introverts and extroverts, thrill-seekers and folks who just enjoy weekends at home with their recliners and remote controls.

After counseling 10+ years I'm convinced we therapists are thought to be in the same category as dentists:

"I could never do what you do," is a phrase I hear quite often.

Those of us who feel that being a counselor is akin to a 'calling' are often surprised that not everyone would be as thrilled to be in our shoes as we are.

It does take a certain type of person to counsel- someone who has most likely experienced pain in life and has somehow survived it. It doesn't take an intellectual introvert (I am neither of those), or someone who knows how to fix everyone's problems (I think I do but my family has convinced me that I DON'T know everything!).

What it takes is the ability to encourage people whatever the issue and teach them better ways to handle obstacles. Encouragement allows the person to freely think and feel without fear of criticism.

Another vital trait is acceptance. Fear of criticism keeps many people paralyzed in their lives. Knowing that their therapist will listen no matter what and accept them on good days and bad days is invaluable.

I have been on both sides of the counseling desk just as most therapists have; I have been helped immeasurably by therapy. I realized that I could use my enthusiasm and yes, even pain, to guide other people who felt trapped by the same problems. I understood immediately that my own healing, if you will, made me able to help others in similar situations.

Counselors are a weird bunch. Now, those of you who take themselves seriously know I'm not referring to you...

but the rest of us enjoy being involved in peoples' lives. We care deeply about our clients and their families and friends. We think about them when we aren't at work.

But one thing we choose to accept is that we can't solve anything FOR our clients. We can't make life-changing decisions FOR them. So we practice leaving our concerns at the office. It requires a measure of toughness to do so.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I couldn't leave my work at work. My empathy-meter got overloaded and my work suffered. I thought I was being a caring helper but soon discovered that my lack of objectivity was actually harming my clients.

I'll be sharing that experience in my next blog update.

One last thought: I remember interviewing my own counselor, Dr. Dan Wilkinson, regarding his own attitude about therapy. He smiled at me, chuckled, and said it was "as easy as breathing."

Since I was new to my studies and very challenged I thought he must have been especially gifted to feel that way.

Now that I've a few years of counseling experience, I know exactly what he meant.

What to Expect From a Counselor

Since most of us fear the unknown, I'd like to describe a typical therapy session:

First of all, we WANT people to come to us for help in healing. That's what we trained for. Many counselors have had therapy and know how necessary it is.

We strive to make the initial process as easy as possible in an attempt to offer safety and acceptance no matter what the issue might be.

That's why we choose soothing color schemes, comfortable furniture and ambient lighting. Well, most of us do; my office is purple and has a 'NO WHINING' sign over the sofa.

Once the potential client contacts our office for an appointment, they are given the office location and directed to the waiting room. Once there, important paperwork must be filled out to give to the counselor.

This paperwork includes basic information, reason for session, goals for counseling and disclosure and release forms that must be signed. These forms aid the counselor in knowing what direction the client desires to go in therapy.

At the appointed time the therapist comes to the waiting room to meet the client(s). I like to break the ice with a light-hearted comment in an attempt to ease any tension the client might experience in coming.

FYI- it's not unusual for a first-time client to have had a stressful day before our first meeting. Many people get delayed in traffic, get lost, have had a fight with friends or family. It seems to be part of the personal challenge of obtaining help despite the circumstances. So if it happens to you, accept it as part of the process.

I always tell first-time clients that this meeting is my audition. It is up to them to determine if they get a good vibe from me and feel they can work with me through this process. Therapy is inherently challenging; if they could fix the issues on their own they would have done so.

Many people don't know where to start when beginning therapy so I often ask questions from their intake form that will put them at ease. Most times we end up chatting as if we've know each other for years.

The first session is spent just getting acquainted. Some therapists follow a checklist, going over each question with the person and filling in the information. I prefer just relating to the person and getting a sense of whether we can work well together.

I believe in being truthful about my potential compatibility with the client. If I sense something that might hinder the experience I refer them to an associate I believe will be more suitable. It's important to me that the client get the appropriate help with the right counselor.

The initial session is over in no time. The hour seems to fly by. I give my final impressions and encourage the person to take time to think about whether they feel we could be a team.

If so, I ask them to contact our office and make future appointments. And that's it.

I can't tell you how many times my most hesitant client has been surprised that the session was actually enjoyable. It helps lay the foundation for future sharing and learning.

Some quick tidbits:

If you are interested in counseling, remember that this is YOUR time. For once in your life you have permission to have it be about YOU.

If you get a bad first impression please try another therapist. Go to several therapists before you commit to one if you must.Your potential relationship with the counselor is crucial: Can you share with him/her? Do you feel safe? Will this person accept you but not make excuses for your behavior? Can you accept hearing the truth from this therapist?

Whatever you decide, pursue it until you get the helper who's right for you.

Finding a Counselor

Once the decision to obtain counseling is made the next step is to find the right therapist.

There are many mental health professionals listed in phone directories and on insurance provider lists but there are a few pointers to also consider.

It is vitally important that there be a connection between the client and counselor. That bond paves the way for ongoing trust and vulnerability required to move ahead in therapy.

For that reason I recommend you check with friends and associates about counselors they know of or have seen. Most folks have had some type of interaction with counselors and are not shy about sharing their opinion (good OR bad).

Evaluate what is most important to you:

*Do you require someone who is spiritually based or secular?

*Male or female?

*Someone who has lived in your geographical area for a while or does that make no difference to you?

*Do you require a therapist with a wall full of diplomas and certificates or someone who comes with high recommendations but few documents to prove education?

*What about the age of the therapist? I have had many clients come to me initially because I'm older and there is an implication that with age comes wisdom.

*Family values? Does it matter to you if the therapist is married and has kids? What if the counselor is single or has been widowed or divorced? Would that hinder your ability to trust them?

There is nothing wrong with consulting several counselors before deciding on one. I tell new clients at the first appointment that I consider it my 'audition' and that they have to decide if they get a good vibe from me. I assure them that there are other good therapists available and I'm not their only choice; what's important to me is that they get the help they need.

In the St. Louis area, where I'm based, many churches have professional counseling offices open not only to church members/attenders but also the community. In my office we are eager to help the person without an agenda of adding to our church member list.

I hope this article gives you good tips on where to find a counselor.

In upcoming blogs I plan to discuss why I suggest Christian counseling, what to expect in a counselor and what an average session looks like.

I hope you continue to follow this blog for helpful tidbits.

Why We Need Counseling

Counseling has enjoyed an acceptance within the last few years; this generation of people seem to understand its value more than their parents or grandparents did. There are many resources available today through work and many churches. Support groups, Bible studies, men's and women's groups abound that are open to anyone, not just church members or attenders.

However, to many individuals there is still a stigma surrounding the need to obtain emotional help. I remember thinking I needed to work harder at being happy. But it didn't work since I didn't have objectivity.

In the case of individual counseling there is often a 'last straw' that has to occur that brings them in. They aren't enjoying life as much as they used to or they have experienced a traumatic event they simply can't work through alone. Talking to friends and/or family doesn't satisfy since there's always the suspicion that the advice given is skewed in some way.

Marital counseling often isn't sought until the relationship has been shaken often enough to threaten the course of the entire marriage. By then one of the spouses is so fed up the communication is angry or even non-existent. Friends and family take sides and it gets messy to be sure. Interaction can turn into a disagreement over who said what, when, and the motive behind saying it.

That's why counseling is important. Counselors are trained to be objective listeners. There is no "I'm-your-best-friend-and-you-don't-see-it-but-I-do-so-do-what-I-say" kind of relationship.

Counseling gives folks the chance to vent safely, to think out loud without being judged. The counselor's goal is to provide stability and clear thinking until the client can do it solo. The therapist won't take sides against one spouse while supporting the other blindly; the ultimate goal is to bring the couple together in a manner that is equally satisfying.

The trained counselor also brings a sense of acceptance to the session. Hurt individuals feel rejection as they experience life; counselors welcome your hurts, accept your feelings, and guide you toward health and healing.

Therapy today isn't like it's depicted in movies and comic strips. Rarely does talking about issues involve a leather couch and a wizened old man taking notes on a steno pad. There is laughter and tears along with the deep issues the sessions address.

Of special importance is the desire to work together toward putting life in perspective. If we could fix it ourselves we'd have done it already.

That's why we need the help of a trained counselor.

Some Big Changes

Hey everyone.

I want to share with you about the big changes I'm making to my blog.

For a while now it's bothered me to have the ability to teach and minister, the means to do so, but not the courage to do it in a public forum. I'm convinced that there are folks who don't need major counseling; just a nudge here or there will do.

Or those who DO need counseling but can't afford it. Or are intimidated like I was when I first began my own therapy. Or just people who don't know who they can trust to give them the help they need.

So...

I'm going to begin sharing the same info I use when I counsel. It's all rough right now since I haven't done this before.

But the knowledge I have gained over counseling for 11 years, writing a decent (if I have to say so myself) book on anger management, and just going through my own life experiences should certainly make me credible as a teacher.

While I figure this out I'm sure I'm going to make mistakes. Feel free to straighten me out in posting comments. I'd rather face criticism and sharpen my skills than hear nothing.

In the meantime, please tell others about this blog. Read my book. Get your friends and family to read it. Really, it's pretty useful. Just go to Amazon.com, type in my last name and it will pop up. That's my daughter and son-in-law on the cover, FYI.

Let's make our time reading and writing blogs mean something. In the meantime, pray that I'll have information that may speak to your heart. If there's a topic or issue you want me to address (counseling, parenting, marriage, life...NOT politics!) write in and let me know.

Thanks! And let's GOOOOOOO!

Wedding Blessings

Hey everyone!

I wanted to share really quick how God worked His stuff in the planning of Kari's wedding.

There are a few things I do well; I can create and I can execute plans. But I can't do both of those things at the same time...

It used to bother me that I couldn't do everything to perfection. Believe me, I tried.

But there comes a time when you have to learn something reeaally important:

Delegate!

I've got some amazing friends who stepped in to contribute their talents to the festivities:

One extraordinary seamstress who not only made the bridesmaids dresses but also got me out of a jam (literally!) when the zipper on my dress broke,

An amazing baker who created the most delicious and beautiful cakes I've ever seen,

An excellent caterer, a horticulturist, and bridesmaids who know a thing or two about hair and make-up. One dear friend who was a one-woman support system making sure everything could happen in the first place...

Everything fell into place (or fell apart) as it was meant to and the ceremony and reception went off almost without a hitch.

I want to make sure I thank everyone who made my daughter's wedding so special.

What a great team!

Tightrope Walking

Romantic movies about weddings LIE!

They depict the mother-daughter relationship while planning a wedding to be all fancy lunches and fantasys shared over spa treatments.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Planning a wedding is inherently stressful. No mistake about it.

For example: Put two stressed adult women in an overheated car on a busy highway on the way to yet another possible reception venue site and you take stress to a whole new level.

We're talking nuclear meltdown.

I learned so much about myself while planning darling daughter's wedding this summer. I'm no stranger to planning events and preparing for them. I've been around, see.

I learned to lose lots of sleep trying to be creative with wedding and reception decorations.
I learned to delegate and find the best people for the right task. That was awesome.

But my biggest lesson was that despite all my brilliant ideas and how absolutely perfect they were and how much Kari and Gareth and everyone else would love them...

they still had to be approved by the bride.

Imagine that.

I really thought I was helping most of the time, being objective and trying to accomplish what my daughter was envisioning for her wedding. Yet most of our arguments centered around her impression that I didn't 'get it,' that what I was creating wasn't what she meant and I was stressing her out.

That was tough to hear. I thought I was being a saint, really. I hadn't said half the things I'd wanted to say. I'd also had to give up some ideas I thought were fabulous (even if I do say so myself).

Yet here she was, saying I was trying to do it MY way.

We got mad a lot. We cried a bit. We hugged a lot.

I learned to walk the tightrope of making sure I remained balanced in my desire to have this be Kari's special day and not my interpretation of it. Yes, I fell off a few times, landing flat on my face. Each time I was able to get back on the rope and keep going.

Because I really love my daughter. It was my time to step aside as the authority over her life and let it be done her way (um, mostly).

And we made it. It was a beautiful event.

At least in my opinion.