Acceptance and Happiness

Recently I've had the chance to meet several people from different cultures and countries. It's been really cool to get to know other folks and hear about their experiences and outlook on life.

What struck me was not how different we were but rather, how similar.

Everyone had the desire to move ahead in life and find ways to enhance that experience.

Simply stated, everyone wants to be happy.

Whether from North America, Africa. Japan or Switzerland, each one of us has issues and stresses and goals. We all need to learn ways to overcome our faults and reach out in an attempt to understand those who are dearest to us.

In my own life, I've noticed a big difference between approving of someone's behavior and accepting it.
When I was younger I was very rigid about right and wrong; I couldn't or wouldn't accept anyone whose beliefs or lifestyle was different from my own. I believed that anyone who didn't agree with me was being willfully wrong and deserved to be judged or even ridiculed.

I don't feel that way now.

Over time, I"ve seen many good-hearted well-meaning folks whom I've really come to admire despite our differences. And I've tried to imagine the situation from their perspective.

Now THAT'S and eye-opener!

I realize now that to accept someone as they are is not a compromise of my own beliefs. Just like I don't expect anyone to fully approve of my personal choices I sure am glad when someone reaches out to me and loves me anyway.

I think that's what we're supposed to do.

So as I interact with individuals from other parts of the world or just down the street, I desire to respect them and expect them to do the same for me.

That's what can lead to happiness.

Contentment

Aren't people funny? We always seem to want what we don't have. When I was a kid I wanted to have dark hair and eyes and my friends wanted to be blue-eyed blondes. No matter what I had, what the other guy had looked better.

Even today I find that my clients fall into two categories:

Those who are trying to get into a relationship and those who are trying to get out.

We seem to think we're supposed to strive for more, better, best. Whatever we have and are isn't good enough to be satisfied.

A friend of mine is house hunting; recently we had a good laugh because most of the houses she liked were listed as 'starter homes.' We agreed that society assumes we're supposed to keep pushing and wanting something different. To be content is to be complacent.

Since I've been thinking about New Years resolutions lately I've noticed how inconsistent our goals are. There are people who want to do less or do more, purge or attain. Some folks want to change jobs or do a better job where they are. Most frequent responses were those wanting to be healthier (we used to call it 'lose weight.')

The fact is, we must learn to be content. Satisfied. At ease with who we've been created to be.

We need the ability to sit back and process what makes us who we are.

It's okay to do that, you know.

I was taught that it was bragging to think about myself positively. I learned the humility lesson early on. Evidently I was supposed to like myself fine but want to work hard to change myself completely!

Now I find an interest in developing myself and the talents I already have. I've shared some of those talents in previous blogs (and thanks to all of you readers who want to see me hula).

In my quest to refine my abilities I must accept that I have abilities in the first place.

This thought may resonate with you. (Not necessarily the hula part!) Spend some time listing your assets. Then think about which of those assets deserve more investment. What talent(s)

do you want to develop more fully?

Be content with what you have and enjoy the process in the meantime.

p.s. Props to my very talented friend C.H. who gave me an awesome sample of barbecued ribs. He is thinking about opening some sort of restaurant or catering business with his special recipe.

Seriously, I loved them and would go out of my way to get more. I'll keep you updated.

New Years Resolution Finale

I hope you've been following along as I've discussed New Years resolutions.

Of course, I want to encourage you to make positive life decisions for 2011 and beyond.
But sometimes it helps more to make negative choices. Believe me, I know that sounds weird but I can explain:
I will not walk on a major highway during rush hour because I don't want to get hit by a car.
I will not steal stuff from the store because I don't want to get arrested.
I will not swim with sharks because I don't want them to get indigestion.

I asked my hubby recently if he thought people accept Christ as their Savior because they
a) want to go to heaven
or
b) don't want to go to hell.

If you think it engendered deep theological debate you're wrong.
He didn't say anything.
I thought he didn't hear me or he was ignoring me again. Or his brain was deeply rooted in that NOTHING box we hear men have.
Let's get back to the point.
I finally shook him (I know he wasn't sleeping because he was driving). He shrugged and said,
"Who cares why as long as they do it?"
Deep thoughts...who knew?

Which brings me to the negative slant I've placed on my New Years resolutions this year. There are so many things I know I should be doing I get overwhelmed, sit down and eat chocolate.
Why even try when you know you're going to fail immediately? Thinking of what I won't do, however, gives me more to work with.
So along with my previous posts of resolutions I'd like to add one last one:

I will not make excuses

This falls in the realm of 'I can't_______ because it's too cold, too hot,too late, too early, too expensive, too hard, too frustrating, too boring, too challenging or too easy..."

You know what I'm talking about. Admit it.

Every time we're presented with something we just know we're supposed to do we come up with a myriad of excuses why we can't (won't) do it.

Here's another example:

"I'd have ________ but my husband boyfriend sister dog alarm clock car friend running and/or prayer partner didn't call text email fb remind tweet drive ring my doorbell to wake me up."

Suddenly nothing is your responsibility and it's all someone elses' fault.

So I'm over it. I'm over lying to myself and everyone whose life I influence when I make excuses for blowing it.
The truth throws people off balance but I'm willing to risk it. Not only will I resolve to not make excuses, I'm going to admit the truth:
I wanted to stay home
I don't want to go shopping
I'm lazy today and don't want to exercise
I want to eat this junk
I want to do something else.

Facing that truth will force me to choose my behaviors wisely. I won't make rash promises I will surely break the first chance I get. I refuse to use other nouns (people, places, or things) as scapegoats.
If I did it, said it,forgot it or refused to do it, I will admit it.

This concludes my New Years resolutions. I hope they make you think about your own resolutions. Let' s make 2011 a year of positive growth and maturity, even if we have to be negative to do it.

New Years Resolution Continued

This isn't a threat or a dare but I wonder how many new resolutions I could come up with throughout the year.

Resolutions are like goals but seem be more important than that. I know I know, most of us don't even make resolutions anymore. We get tired of failure.

Perhaps we define goals as 'wishes,' while resolutions seem more concrete. Wishes are dream-like, I think. Rarely do we believe our wishes will come true.

I used to wish that I could be happy and be appreciated for my natural abilities.

I desired to be seen as an asset in most situations. I wanted to be admired as a leader, whether it be teaching VBS, singing in a trio or duet in choir, or chosen to be in the school play.

So here's the weird part:

Each time I'd get asked to do those things you know what I'd do?

Turn it down.

I'd say, "Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm not smart enough, talented enough, organized enough..."

Then when someone else would be chosen or volunteer for the job I would kick myself.

"What is WRONG with you? You dummy! You know you wanted to do it, you have the time and the ability. WHY did you refuse?"

Of late I've been able to accept assignments more graciously. There's still a struggle as my natural reflex is to be irritatingly humble.

So here's my next resolution:

I will not downplay my abilities

I will be the first to admit that there are many things I can't do: I can't play a musical instrument, I can't ride a skateboard, I can't even touch my toes all that well! Numbers fog my brain and memorization leaves me in a cold sweat.

Each of us has a list of abilities we acknowledge we just don't have.

Yet...not one of us is entirely hopeless. In fact, as a demonstration of this resolution I will name a few of my own talents.

As I do I want you to think of your own.

I can:

sew

knit

groom dogs (yup)

hula

decorate

spell

make caramels

wiggle my ears

encourage others

scrapbook

tap dance

drive a stick shift

ad lib

paint

drywall

write

teach

cross stitch

can tomatoes

How did you do? I bet we possess way more abilities than we can even list if we gave ourselves a little time to think.

So here's the challenge:

Determine that you will NOT automatically refuse any task, invitation, or leadership role for fear you will look arrogant if you accept it. Practice a safe response such as, "Let me think about it and I'll let you know." And then really think about it...and really let them know.

Refuse to buckle under old habits of false humility; stand there calmly and listen. Unless someone is inviting you to do something unethical or immoral you have every right to believe you can accomplish it.

As you gain the assurance that you are fulfilling your abilities it will get easier. Really. Who knows what else you will discover you can do?

Remember that you don't have to accept everything that get's offered to you. Busyness will distract you and only lead to new resolutions for 2012.

Will you join me in this resolution? We may be surprised by the opportunities that open up once we determine to not downplay our abilities.

New Years Resolution Part Two

I have challenged myself to step up to my obstacles in 2011. We have all been taught to expect the unexpected (if the unexpected is to be expected won't that make the unexpected expected?).

Anyway, I am going to add another resolution to my list:

I will not downplay my neediness

The word 'neediness' takes a bum rap. It conjures up visions of someone clinging relentlessly onto someone or something and implies weakness. It is unwelcome and unattractive to us.

Yet I fear that when I display utter competence in all things I'm misleading people. While I don't want to appear weak and drooling to folks (I only drool in the privacy of my own home...) thus earning lack of respect, I don't want those dear to me to feel unimportant or distant.

Because the people in my life are important. They hold me up when I'm discouraged and hold me down when I get frantic. Oh, what wisdom it takes on their part to determine the difference!

In freely showing my neediness I am demonstrating that I choose to be vulnerable. I want to affirm them when they sense something is wrong and reach out to me to help.

Tell me if you've heard this one before:

Friend: "Are you okay? Is something wrong?"

You: "Yes, sure (sniff sniff rub nose on sleeve). I'm fine."

Friend: "No, really. Is there anything I can do to help?"

You: "No, I'm just fine (blot eyes with tissue). It's all good."

I've had the above conversations more times than I care to admit. Each time I thought I was being a brave little soldier. I was pulling myself up by my bootstraps, I was getting over it, moving on, developing a thick skin.

What I didn't realize each time was that my loved one was correctly tuning in to my heart and reaching out to help me emotionally.

And I slapped their hand aside.

Then, alone in my car, dorm room, apartment, stall in women's bathroom I would bewail the fact that no one ever cared for me.

Uhh...what?

So in 2011 I will not downplay my neediness. When I feel empty and alone I will reach out to a friend and/or loved one. I will share my heart. I will not deny someone their desire to help and bless me. I will be truthful when someone genuinely wants to know if I'm okay when I'm really falling apart.

Public drooling is allowed but I will attempt to be discreet.

New Years Resolution Part One

When you get to be my age (black and white tv,3 channels) there are more examples of resolutions that didn't get very far.

There were the well-meaning promises to be nice, to be helpful to my mother, and to keep my room clean that didn't make it past the first week or so.

Then came the vows to do better in school, to be popular, to perfect a hobby, and to quit being sassy. Again, those vows went kaput.

I moved on to more meaningful, deeply spiritual promises. I would read the Bible faithfully, I would become a prayer warrior, I would evangelize the world. That one died when I lost my Bible and finally found it three months later under a cushion in our living room.

Next came the self-improvement resolutions: no candy, no soda, no junk food, more good food, more exercise, more make-up, more beauty regimens. This one probably took up more of my mental energy as I always renewed my promises but always failed to meet my own standards.

For many years thereafter I gave up resolutions. I self-righteously believed that if I was supposed to be doing something good I shouldn't have to have a special Day to begin doing it.

What a cop out.

So here's what I've been thinking lately: I'm really good at knowing what I'm supposed to do but not doing it. It'sbeen an excuse for me to do nothing; I mean, where do you begin with a list that long?
I'm convinced that most of us are aware of what we SHOULDN'T do in our lives. We know we shouldn't stick our tongues out at people, shouldn't skip in line, shouldn't interrupt. Self-control seems to be the best method for personal growth.

So here goes:

I resolve that I will not shirk my responsibilities.

By that I mean when I become aware of a task that needs to be done I will not pretend I don't see it. There is the obvious meaning of chores and laundry and picking up stuff.

But there's also the habit I have of overlooking my value as a child of God. Of not stepping up and accepting my responsibility of being loved.
So many times I find myself avoiding a blessing because I'm convinced it was meant for someone else. I joke my way out of it or use diversion instead of basking in it.

There are requirements involved with this resolution. The main one is to receive and enjoy that love. Another one is to not freak out when faced with such an honor. Don't downplay it.
It is what it is.

I also resolve to not avoid my relationships with other people for fear they aren't being equally blessed.
I need to remind myself that relationships are a great way to learn about ourselves, good or bad. Do I refresh my friends? Do they refresh me? Am I able to tell them the truth and can I hear it from them?
The same goes with family members. We will not always get along. But when I shirk my responsibilities I am making a statement with my behavior that they will never change. I categorize them and take away our future together.

Enough said. I have more resolutions to share with you in future blogs. But I want to challenge you to think about your own 'non-resolutions' this year.

What won't YOU do?


(Don't forget to pass this blog along to your friends and family. Who knows what might be the right word at the right time?)

Enjoying the Holidays

The holiday food is eaten and the packages are unwrapped; your blood pressure is leveling off and the mayhem has ceased.

Now what?

Think back on what has relentlessly filled your mind these last few days/weeks/months.

Lists and more lists, tasks and more tasks, obligations and more obligations.

It's exhausting to be so jolly for so long.

At some point we see that there is no more to do and all that's left is allowing ourselves to enjoy what we've done.

I think it's hard to do.

I know I spend so much time deciding and guiding the festivities for everyone I'm wiped out and miss most of the fun because my mind is still racing:

Is their reaction honest?

Did I get the right gift for them?

Did I remember everything?

Am I scarring them for life because I forgot something?

Maybe it's just me but I noticed something odd in many Christmas movies:

They seem to have time to do everything, they remember details and they enjoy the process.

Plus people are happy (glowing, even) with receiving one gift.

It's almost irritating.

I find I'm so distracted by the business end of the holiday I forget the fun end.

So I'm trying to do it different this year and simply enjoy myself.

We've had a beautiful fluffy snowfall this year and it's breathtaking. It's all so...perfect.

It reminds me that we can't control every aspect of our lives. That we'd have done okay without the snow feature but having it somehow makes it all even more delightful.

It also reminds me that God takes care of the big stuff and even the small details. Like snow.

My challenge now is to behave how I believe; God is in charge so I'm free to relax.

Enjoy

Appreciate

Bless

Be blessed

Rest in the assurance that this Christmas is all about relationship(s). Not only relationships with our dear ones, but a relationship with our Dear One.

So it's time, my friends, to surrender the planning and working mode your brain has been in. You've been pushing and pulling the sled for a long time; now it's time to jump on it yourself and go for a wonderful ride.

WHHEEEEEEEEEE!