Telling the Truth

Most people claim that they always tell the truth; they indignantly deny that they lie.
They don't cheat on their taxes, crossword puzzles, or their spouses. They attend church, put in an honest days' work for an honest days' pay. They 'fess up if they receive too much change back from a purchase.

Good for them.

But folks are less-than-truthful when they think someone's feelings might be hurt or they themselves may look bad in some way.

Think about it.

You learn that Sadie is in trouble at work because she wears her skirts too high and her tops too low. Everyone knows about it since it's been a topic of conversation at the lunch table for months.

Everyone except Sadie, that is. And Sadie's a nice girl, she really is. Smart and friendly and very easy to talk to. Ummmm....but probably not about this.

So when she says in a hurt voice that people are looking at her strangely and talking about her and she doesn't understand why and the bosses are grumbling but no one tells her anything and she's going crazy with worry what do you do?

What would most of us do? Lie. We say we don't understand either. It will be okay. We tell her not to worry about it; that she's just imagining it.

But we don't tell her, in true caring fashion, that the problem is her work attire. That we are concerned as her friend and know she's unaware of how it appears to the boss. We don't have any thoughtful suggestions available: maybe a sweater, scarf, or pair of leggings may be helpful.

We keep the information to ourselves even though it kills us to do so; we've been taught 'if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.' We think we're being nice because we don't want to hurt Sadie's feelings.

What we don't realize is that by not telling Sadie the truth we are hurting her even more. We aren't giving her a chance to know the truth so she can deal with it. We are leaving her to fend for herself without the correct information. Ultimately, when (and if) Sadie discovers we've known the problem all along she will be hurt even more thinking we conspired against her.

I know I've experienced painful situations where everyone knew my problem but me. It wasn't about my clothing but actually about ME. When I finally learned of it I felt betrayed that no one cared enough about me to tell me the truth.

So here's what I've developed to help in the decision-making process when I had information and I wasn't sure I should keep it to myself. I ask myself the question:

"If it were me in that situation would I want/need to know?"

If the answer is yes, I know I have to tell the truth because I really care for the other person. I don't want them to be outside the loop, especially if the situation involves their health, happiness, or state of mind.

If the answer is no, if it would make no difference in the final outcome, I keep the news to myself.

More on telling the truth on my next blog.

In the meantime, if you have any comments please feel free to add them here.
Plus, if you want a copy of 'Top Tips for Managing Anger" you can email me @ stlwazzy@aol.com.

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The Importance of Priorities

I don't know about you,but I struggle with priorities. Instead of moving gracefully through my day I am guilty of many stops and false starts, as I push relentlessly on until there's no more energy left. Then I find I've spent all my time on something I didn't like and ignored the things that matter to me.

I know most of us are guilty of this. We think that once we do 'one more thing' we'll sit down and enjoy ourselves. Yet once we do take the time to relax, we've gone past the point of no return.

That's when the anger and crankiness sets in and we create conflict in our lives.

Case in point is the holidays. Since they are coming quickly, I'm sure you will remember how it was at your house last year.

Generally speaking, we know what snares we seem to fall into every year and we vow to do things differently. I think we forget, however, once we get our decorations down and house back in order, how stressful it truly was. We forget the time we spent slicing and dicing for a new recipe no one really liked. We buy way too many gifts we can't afford and give them to people who don't need them.

I think we have great intentions but we go about it all wrong.

So here's a few suggestions that might help you finally enjoy the season you work so hard to make special:

1. What do you value about the holidays? Is it the decorating? If so, focus on style and design and forget about offering the little candies and cookies that stress you out. If you identify festivities with food, concentrate on the little details that promote your interest.

2. What isn't stressful for you? If your idea of a wonderful Christmas is taking the kids to see Santa then make that a priority and forget about hosting the big party you dread every year.

3. What do you want your friends and family to remember with fondness (and not quake in fear when they think of it): a white elephant gift exchange when Uncle Leroy got the Billy Bass wall plaque that wouldn't shut up, or the sight of you having a meltdown because the poinsettia print on your tablecloth didn't quite match the pointsettias on your cloth napkins?

It's all a matter of making memories ahead of time. Is what I'm doing right now going to resonate happily as I think back on it later? Do I want to overwork and overplan and underenjoy yet another holiday?
It is important to have your priorities in the right place. NOT what someone else thinks is necessary but what you do well and can enjoy while you're doing it.

Truly, most people don't think about what you did or didn't do at the last family gathering. If you're happy and at ease, they'll remember the great conversation and the fun they had relating to everyone there.

So consider your priorities and let the other stuff go.

p.s. Don't forget to email me @ stlwazzy@aol.com if you want a free copy of Top Tips for Managing Anger.

Look at Your Motives

Something that makes perfect sense to you might seem really absurd to someone else. Haven't we all spent time talking to someone in an effort to get our point across? At the end of the conversation you realize that:

A). They actually got offended by what you said,
B). You are no closer to a resolution than when you started,
C). Nothing between you has changed; if anything it's worse.

I don't know about you, but I get mad and confused when that happens. Of course, initially I convince myself that it's all their fault for misunderstanding my simple statements.

It's important to determine our motives when we interact with others. Sometimes we want to win the point and talk the issue to death. We try every conceivable angle in order to pin someone down and convince them how right we are (and how wrong they are).

I can tell that's happening when the person I'm speaking to stops looking at me. I can REALLY tell I'm getting pushy when they rush for the door!

Often we start a discussion to prove how much we know about a certain topic. You'll know you're guilty of this if people suddenly find other tasks to perform just as you open your mouth.

In determining your motives about what you do and say, take a moment and assess just WHY you want to talk. Is it to:

Help (or they will be harmed)
Notify (they need this information)
Enlighten (be careful about this one!)
Encourage (to observe positives)
Soothe (to provide comfort)
Relate (to indicate interest).

Or is it to:

Educate (because they don't know as much as you do)
Patronize (since you're so smart)
Criticize (no explanation needed here)
Punish (since they obviously know what they did and are playing dumb about it)
Insult (same as above).

Most of us would argue that our motives are pure. What's the harm in being truthful or knowing more than someone else does?

Because your motives come across loud and clear. If you filter what you want to say before you say it chances are you'll notice that really, you just want to be a jerk. A bully.

Try this simple test: Observe yourself as if you were the other person. Notice your posture, your demeanor, your attitude. Then listen to your comments BEFORE you actually utter them.

How does it sound now? Be truthful. Does it sound as harmless as you think (hope) it does?

If it doesn't, challenge yourself this week to filter what you say and how you are received by other people.

Maybe you need to reevaluate your motives.

Compassion Overload (Burnout)

In October of 2006 I experienced what professionals refer to as 'Compassion Overload.'

What it really means is I finally had done it. Overdone it, that is.

For months I had overextended myself by working a full counseling schedule plus taking on a service project that pretty much consumed the rest of my time, thoughts, and energy. I was like the Energizer bunny except my batteries were running awfully low.

I noticed that it was getting harder to get out of bed; every day seemed to require more energy than I could muster up. I stopped being attentive to my own spiritual and emotional needs so that I could hyperfocus on what I felt needed to be accomplished.

I developed a facial tic. As I listened to clients share their deepest secrets I remember wondering if it was 'off-putting' that their counselor's right eye was twitching....

normally I'd have laughed it off but I'd lost my sense of humor.

Friends started asking me if I was all right. I'd shrug it off, thinking they were being overly sensitive. I was always all right. I was the professional, right? I was being encouraged by my co-workers to take some time off and relax. Take a rest. Take up a hobby like basket weaving.

But it got worse: I started crying for no reason. It got harder to follow what people were saying. My co-workers were watching me with concerned expressions on their faces.

Finally, I broke.

Normally the phrasing is that someone 'snaps' like a brittle bone. But that's not what I experienced.

I felt as if what worked only moments before simply couldn't function anymore; like a piece of machinery that had been reliable and productive suddenly seizing up and shutting down.

It began in a counseling session. It was a normal day in a normal week. I think I was in the 2nd session of the day (the details are fuzzy) and I had several more sessions scheduled.

As I listened to my client I noticed that her words were blurring together, becoming unintelligible. I peered at her to make sure SHE wasn't losing it.

Nope. It was me.

Excusing myself, I went into our work office and tried to call Patti, the administrative assistant. I got her voice mail. After leaving a blubbering message I tried calling several other co-workers but couldn't reach them either.

Not long after that, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably in our caregiving minister's office. I was surrounded by caring helpers who know me and whom I trust deeply.

I don't know how long I spent there but the result was this:

I was to go on sabbatical immediately. No thinking of work, no talking of work, no working.

I could not contact any clients (Patti would do that for me, referring them temporarily to other counselors). I was to allow my brain to untangle and to do that I had to let go of everything I'd grasped onto so tightly.

It took almost 8 weeks for me to begin to feel like myself again. During that time my confidence was shaken and I found myself depending heavily on my friends. My friend Joann came and stayed with me while Don was out of town to make sure I was okay and that I'd eat.

Patti formed a hedge of protection around me at work, taking the brunt of client's frustrations that they couldn't see me just then. Brian stood over me with an iron fist, enforcing my care when I tried to weasel my way back too soon. God bless them all.

Burnout is frightening. It makes you wonder if you're losing your mind. You wonder if it's permanent. You wonder if you're drooling.

But I've learned something very important: NO ONE is immune from the threat of burnout. In our busy world and frenzied pace it can happen to anyone. The irony is this: Burnout/Compassion Overload occurs when you get so busy you think the world won't turn without you. Imagine my surprise my first day of sabbatical when I looked around and the world was doing just fine. Without my input or permission.

It taught me that I was more valuable when I took care of my own needs. I've learned to be more finicky with my time and energy. I learned (gasp!) that God didn't NEED my help; He just LETS me help because it makes me feel good.

Burnout has definitely changed me. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I feel it's given me the ability to recognize it's symptoms when I see them in someone else. I'm more careful with my own ministry and career. My health is more important. My life is more important.

My goals have changed. That's why I wrote my book, "Lord, Shut Me Up!" I want to share my expertise with as many people as possible so I can work smarter, not harder.

Please tell other people about my book and this blog. I want to be able to reach people and I just can't do it physically. There are just so many hours in a day and I've proven that I'm not "SuperWazzy."

I have written "Top Tips for Managing Anger" that I'd like to email to you if you request it. Send requests to me at stlwazzy@aol.com.

Take care of yourselves, my friends. Don't let this happen to you.

What it Takes to Be a Counselor

I thought I'd exhausted the topic of counseling with my prior blog entries. I've already discussed why counseling is important, why you should seek counseling and what to expect at a session.

But I really need to address one more important concept:

What it takes to be a counselor.

It's an interesting phenomenon; most of us simply don't understand the interests or passions of others. There are introverts and extroverts, thrill-seekers and folks who just enjoy weekends at home with their recliners and remote controls.

After counseling 10+ years I'm convinced we therapists are thought to be in the same category as dentists:

"I could never do what you do," is a phrase I hear quite often.

Those of us who feel that being a counselor is akin to a 'calling' are often surprised that not everyone would be as thrilled to be in our shoes as we are.

It does take a certain type of person to counsel- someone who has most likely experienced pain in life and has somehow survived it. It doesn't take an intellectual introvert (I am neither of those), or someone who knows how to fix everyone's problems (I think I do but my family has convinced me that I DON'T know everything!).

What it takes is the ability to encourage people whatever the issue and teach them better ways to handle obstacles. Encouragement allows the person to freely think and feel without fear of criticism.

Another vital trait is acceptance. Fear of criticism keeps many people paralyzed in their lives. Knowing that their therapist will listen no matter what and accept them on good days and bad days is invaluable.

I have been on both sides of the counseling desk just as most therapists have; I have been helped immeasurably by therapy. I realized that I could use my enthusiasm and yes, even pain, to guide other people who felt trapped by the same problems. I understood immediately that my own healing, if you will, made me able to help others in similar situations.

Counselors are a weird bunch. Now, those of you who take themselves seriously know I'm not referring to you...

but the rest of us enjoy being involved in peoples' lives. We care deeply about our clients and their families and friends. We think about them when we aren't at work.

But one thing we choose to accept is that we can't solve anything FOR our clients. We can't make life-changing decisions FOR them. So we practice leaving our concerns at the office. It requires a measure of toughness to do so.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I couldn't leave my work at work. My empathy-meter got overloaded and my work suffered. I thought I was being a caring helper but soon discovered that my lack of objectivity was actually harming my clients.

I'll be sharing that experience in my next blog update.

One last thought: I remember interviewing my own counselor, Dr. Dan Wilkinson, regarding his own attitude about therapy. He smiled at me, chuckled, and said it was "as easy as breathing."

Since I was new to my studies and very challenged I thought he must have been especially gifted to feel that way.

Now that I've a few years of counseling experience, I know exactly what he meant.

What to Expect From a Counselor

Since most of us fear the unknown, I'd like to describe a typical therapy session:

First of all, we WANT people to come to us for help in healing. That's what we trained for. Many counselors have had therapy and know how necessary it is.

We strive to make the initial process as easy as possible in an attempt to offer safety and acceptance no matter what the issue might be.

That's why we choose soothing color schemes, comfortable furniture and ambient lighting. Well, most of us do; my office is purple and has a 'NO WHINING' sign over the sofa.

Once the potential client contacts our office for an appointment, they are given the office location and directed to the waiting room. Once there, important paperwork must be filled out to give to the counselor.

This paperwork includes basic information, reason for session, goals for counseling and disclosure and release forms that must be signed. These forms aid the counselor in knowing what direction the client desires to go in therapy.

At the appointed time the therapist comes to the waiting room to meet the client(s). I like to break the ice with a light-hearted comment in an attempt to ease any tension the client might experience in coming.

FYI- it's not unusual for a first-time client to have had a stressful day before our first meeting. Many people get delayed in traffic, get lost, have had a fight with friends or family. It seems to be part of the personal challenge of obtaining help despite the circumstances. So if it happens to you, accept it as part of the process.

I always tell first-time clients that this meeting is my audition. It is up to them to determine if they get a good vibe from me and feel they can work with me through this process. Therapy is inherently challenging; if they could fix the issues on their own they would have done so.

Many people don't know where to start when beginning therapy so I often ask questions from their intake form that will put them at ease. Most times we end up chatting as if we've know each other for years.

The first session is spent just getting acquainted. Some therapists follow a checklist, going over each question with the person and filling in the information. I prefer just relating to the person and getting a sense of whether we can work well together.

I believe in being truthful about my potential compatibility with the client. If I sense something that might hinder the experience I refer them to an associate I believe will be more suitable. It's important to me that the client get the appropriate help with the right counselor.

The initial session is over in no time. The hour seems to fly by. I give my final impressions and encourage the person to take time to think about whether they feel we could be a team.

If so, I ask them to contact our office and make future appointments. And that's it.

I can't tell you how many times my most hesitant client has been surprised that the session was actually enjoyable. It helps lay the foundation for future sharing and learning.

Some quick tidbits:

If you are interested in counseling, remember that this is YOUR time. For once in your life you have permission to have it be about YOU.

If you get a bad first impression please try another therapist. Go to several therapists before you commit to one if you must.Your potential relationship with the counselor is crucial: Can you share with him/her? Do you feel safe? Will this person accept you but not make excuses for your behavior? Can you accept hearing the truth from this therapist?

Whatever you decide, pursue it until you get the helper who's right for you.