Depression and Christmas

The Christmas season has become all about us. And it's worsened when we struggle with depression. You'd think we'd outgrow the holiday blues.
Trying to make sense of our negative emotions during the holiday season is a challenge . We don't always succeed in shaking off the suspicion we missed the memo that explained what all the hooplah is about.
I think it has a lot to do with Christmas movies(see prior blog) and marketing ploys. Everything is spectacular and expensive, relationships are safe and joyous, and everyone has time to do everything. We think if we don't replicate that perfection we've blown it.
We are failures.
We can't do anything right.
It wasn't the right gift.
I forgot to bake cookies.
I forgot a tradition.
Plus I forgot to put up a stocking for cousin Freda's pet ferret.

The older we get the less magical the season is for us. Rather than being the receiver of it all we've become the giver. We know too much and have seen too much to partake of the beauty of the season; all we see are the lights that burned out and the stuff we still have to do.

It's no wonder mental issues spike at holiday times.

I think,too, we are reminded of what we don't have:

Parents are no longer with us (mine would probably be llama trekking somewhere but you know what I mean), siblings don't get along, blended families aren't blending, everyone else is going everywhere else and we have to fend for ourselves.

I've heard people say they aren't celebrating this year, they aren't decorating, they aren't traveling anywhere, they're just going to stay home and wait it out. Bah Humbug.

I say, if you can do it, go for it.

Most of us, however, feel compelled to 'try again.' Maybe THIS Christmas will be better, maybe THIS year we'll get dear daughter the present she's always wanted. Maybe we'll find that ferret stocking at Petsmart.

And then we'll feel better, maybe.

Let's remember how important it is to regain our perspective of the season. What is the proper focus during this time? Is it the stuff and the food? Is it stuffing ourselves with food?
Is it in fulfilling everyone else's fantasy of Christmas?

I used to get so depressed at Christmas I would cry at the mall while listening to good old Bing Crosby singing carols. The brighter the holiday colors the duller my mood. I didn't know what was causing it but I for sure knew it wasn't what my friends were experiencing.

So here's the thing: Depression happens. Old memories rise to the surface and float in front of our eyes. We get tempted to hide under our nice, warm snuggies until Spring.

The problem with depression is that everyone around us reminds us of our blessings, our health, and basically tell us we don't have the right to feel like we do.

And I say, we DO have a right to feel the we do. But is it worthwhile? Does it make coping any easier or the Christmas tasks any easier to accomplish? I say no.

What DOES help is to regain our focus on what Christmas is really celebrating.

Not the stuff or the stuffing.
Not the gifts or the giver.
Not the songs or the singers.

Our attention must rest on WHO we are applauding. The praise and honor due to Him only.
Our awe that Jesus came to earth in human form ,the most wonderful of all feats of love.

When you find yourself feeling particularly Grinch-like in the next few weeks take a few moments to reflect. Refuse to roll in the refuse of defeat, reminding yourself of what you didn't, don't, or will never have.

Instead, turn your attention to the things you do have: a Savior who really did come to earth, and Who continues to fulfill all His promises to you. God does give the best gifts, you know. Thinking on Him and the whole meaning of Christmas will lift your heart and emotions a bit at a time.

I promise.

Grief During the Holidays

Loss is difficult at any time of the year. There are adjustments to be made in our daily lives, and we experience what can only be described as a hole in our emotional ozone.

Not only is there the physical death of the loved one but the death of hope as well; hope that the relationship might get better, that the person may finally say what we think we need to hear. We must also acknowledge that the deposits (and withdrawals) in the memory bank representing that person have ceased.

We have built so much sentimentality into our holidays. That's why we want everything to be special. It's supposed to exemplify all that is good and right in our world. When our world shifts it feels awful.

When I mention sentimentality, I have to list almost every holiday movie, tv show. made-for-tv-movie that's ever existed.

My dear husband Don loooooves holiday movies. I daresay there isn't a single smarmy Christmas movie this dude hasn't seen and loved. Last year I jokingly gave him several Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen VHS Christmas movies as his gift. He watched every one of them and loved them all.

But Don's love for Christmas movies is a sterling example of the idealism we embrace during this season. The idealism that everything has to be a certain pre-set way and anything different ruins everything we hold sacred.

That's what makes us miss someone who is no longer there to retain their place in our traditions.

I know how I felt the first holiday afterI lost my Mom. Although things weren't perfect between us there was still an honored place for her during the holidays. When she was no longer there I felt weird. My loss felt greater when I couldn't make any more memories.

How about you? Have you felt laden with grief over someone no longer able to share your holidays? If so, I understand.

Being sentimental can be good. It's a way of processing thoughts and opinions, memories and dreams. Sentimentality creates within us an appreciation for the way things used to be.

I hope people miss me when I'm gone, don't you? I'd hate to think I made such a small impression in this world that there is no need to stop and reminisce. No desire to share funny and sad stories about my time on earth. That's true of everyone; to grieve over loss is important. It's a way to honor the place that person held in our heart.

So if you're feeling bereaved right now, remember that it's a symbol of respect for the one who is gone. Allow yourself to remember that person and give your heart the time it needs to process the effect he or she had your life.

So for this year, use your imagination to find a way to commemorate your departed loved one. Purchase a special ornament for the tree, serve their favorite dessert, use the hand towels or bath salts they gave you for a gift in prior years. Talk about them fondly.


But don't forget the folks who are still here. Don't be so lost in your loss you ignore those you still have in your life. Use this experience to create new memories and traditions that will not only honor the past but instill hope for the future.

Being an Agent of Change

Conflict is never easy. My Wordfinder dictionary describes conflict as:
'a state of opposition or hostilities, a fight or struggle, the opposition of incompatable needs in a person.'

A state of opposition. Let's discuss this concept.

When someone or something brings about conflict in our lives, we feel victimized. It feels as if we are being pecked to death by a herd of hens (ever heard of hens? Sure you have...).

It's hard to accept conflict when we're on the receiving end of it; when we have to deal with the consequences of the situation whether we deserved it or not. We are left scrambling to sort out how to regain what was normal in our lives and it's difficult.

While it's hard to adapt to difficulties we didn't create, I think it's even more painful to be the person who caused the trouble in the first place:

The boss who had to give the young single mom a pink slip due to downsizing,
The doctor revealing negative test results,
The person whose friend gets injured or even killed while helping change a blown tire on the side of the road,
The apartment-sitter who accidently set off the smoke alarm in a four story retirement building (yes, that was me).

Each of these examples, to name a very few, demonstrate the burden being carried by individuals who find themselves the agent of change in someone else's life. It ain't pretty.

I've had long chats with people who are worried about the ramifications of downsizing their department at work, of evicting their adult children from their home, of taking back a car or cell phone because it it was being mismanaged.

After counseling for a long time I have to suggest this possibility:

I believe in the possibility that we go through conflict/bad times so we change the path we're on. I believe that many of us stay in jobs too long, at home too long, in bad dating relationships too long simply because it's what we're used to. It gets comfortable to have a predictable life.

But that's not what our lives are meant to be.

We are to be agents of change not only in our own lives, but in the lives of others.

Someone's gotta do it.

For example, several years ago, I met a young woman who'd come to me due to shame over having received a speeding ticket. She was devastated. Her reaction to being pulled over genuinely concerned the police officer who'd clocked her going well over the speed limit.
This reaction was so severe her husband insisted she seek counseling.

Here comes the interesting part.

During the course of our sessions, it was suggested she go to her primary care doctor to discuss possible medications to help her during this time.
It was while the doctor was performing tests on this woman that it was discovered she had the early stages of cancer. She was to have surgery to remove the cancerous cells but they felt they'd caught it early.

What sticks with me in this situation is this: If she hadn't been pulled over, she wouldn't have freaked out, wouldn't have seen a counselor, wouldn't have gone to the doctor, wouldn't have found the cancerous cells and been treated.

I wonder where she'd be right now.

I wonder how the police officer felt pulling over such a distraught woman.

I wonder how her husband felt insisting she get out of her comfort zone and seek counseling.

I know how her counselor felt pushing her to go the the doctor.

It's interesting to note that most change occurs during difficult times; someone loses a job so they have to find a new one job they ended up liking better. A man falls off a ladder and breaks his leg and gets to spend more time with his family until he heals. A couple discovers they can't bear their own children so they become foster parents.

In my experience, nothing we ever encounter is wasted in our lives. We learn, we adapt, we are brought to different decisions we wouldn't have made if all other options hadn't been removed.

Here's a challenge: Think about the blessings you would never have received if something bad hadn't happened. In the example above, think of the boss, the doctor, the friend, the apartment sitter. I'm sure each one of them felt terrible for causing pain and discomfort to others. Yet if they only knew the results of their action they'd be if not pleased, at least relieved to know what happened created some good.

It's not always about us; we must release the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' and accept that what looks like Plan B in someone's life may actually be the new birth of Plan A.

*If you enjoy this blog make sure you become a follower listed at the top of this page. Also, my book, Lord, Shut Me Up! is still available on Amazon.com.

When You Experience Stress

Stress? What Stress??

Everyone talks about holiday stress and laments the endless tasks needing to be done.

However, I submit to you that there would be no stress if there were no people in our lives to create stress.

Think about it: Why do we stress out? Because we want the season to be momentous for our friends and family. We want our parents to know we love them by including them in our festivities. We want our children (0f every age) to enjoy family traditions and be able to smile genuinely when displaying their gifts for photo ops.

We even have gifts and stockings for our pets, for Pete's sake! In our family, we have to wait until the dog and/or cat chew open their wrapped gifts before we can tackle ours.

Don't judge us; I bet most of you do the same thing.

So when we experience stress, we must first of all acknowledge that most stress is of our own making. If we're going to lose sleep making mental lists of gifts and of time tables, let's first admit we do it not only for them but for us.

I get a kick out of finding the right gift for the right person. I stress myself out in the quest for the perfect item. When all is said and done, however, I notice that most of the time the gifts are insignificant compared to the experience of the Christmas holiday itself.

Let's focus more on WHY we're doing all of this in the first place. Is it to impress everyone with our ability to 'deck our halls' or is it to celebrate the reason we even hold this holiday dear?

I need to work on this every day of the year. Why do I do what I do? Who am I trying to impress? Will it matter? Will it bless? Will it have a positive influence?

If the answer is 'no' to a single one of these questions maybe some change is in order.

If the stress is self-inflicted the cure must be self-inflicted as well. Behaviors that leave us clutching our chests in panic don't bless. If they don't bless they don't benefit anyone.

Let's be willing to redirect our goals this holiday season. Think about the memories you want to make in your family and with your friends and work toward that.

Since we can't change our reason for stress, let's change our attitude towards it.

Keeping a Clear Head in Times of Conflict

As a child in the 60's, I was taught that life was like the Dick and Jane readers we used in school:
'See Dick. See Jane. See Dick and Jane. See Spot. See Spot run. Run Spot run!'
That was it.
No crisis. No conflict. No turmoil.
So when real life hit and things weren't so simple I thought perhaps I'd done something wrong.
Where were Dick and Jane when I needed them?

It's a big deal when something less than perfect happens to us. It throws us for a loop since conflict and decision-making don't often go together.
We question what happened, what we did, what he did, what they did.
First we are convinced the world is out to get us.
We feel attacked and victimized.
We want everyone to sympathize and hold a rally and stage a tea party to defend our rights.

One thing of note, however: the conflict still has to be dealt with.
Sure, we can stick our heads in the sand and pretend the situation didn't happen.
Unfortunately, we have to come up for air some time.
And when we do the big ugly lump of conflict/crisis will still be sitting there waiting...

Soooo....

That's when all your beliefs come into play.
Are you in charge of your life or is God?
If YOU are, I wish you well.
Except the pages upon which your abilities are written would look more like a pamphlet than a novel. More like a Dick and Jane reader. There are many things you know, but there are probably way more things about life and coping that you DON'T know.

When I'm in trouble or confused and hurt I want to consult an Expert for help. I want wisdom and strength. I mean after all, if I knew everything I probably wouldn't have gotten into trouble in the first place.
Well, maybe I would because I do seem to attract it.

Keeping a clear head when things are disintegrating around you does not require a skill set available to the lucky few. It's got a lot to do with being willing to let things happen without trying to repair the damage too soon; a willingness to be teachable and to allow God to speak to you and hold you protectively while you experience the chaos.

It's about putting your fear and anger on the shelf temporarily, knowing the truth of the situation will reveal itself in due time. You will not surely die, although you may feel like it.

I discuss this in much more detail in my book, "Lord, Shut Me Up!" available on Amazon.com. in the chapter on Patience.

Keep breathing.

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Whatever.
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Telling Yourself the Truth

While it's a challenge to identify the need to tell the truth and then actually do it, I find it even more difficult to be truthful when the culprit is ME.

Sure, I can admit my wrongdoing when I drop and break something or forget an appointment. Those snafus are obvious to anyone who lives and breathes.

In fact, I'm pretty comfortable apologizing to my friends and loved ones since I have to do it so often; maybe I should get some fancy 'oops' cards printed and just hand them out en masse when I do make a mistake. That would save a lot of energy on everyone's part.

However, what do we do when we know we've really stuck our foot in our mouths, said or did the wrong thing, and there were serious repercussions? Feelings are crushed and relationships are mangled.

After we've worked hard to fix the error there are the inevitable consequences:

The dish is still broken,

The words are still floating in the air after having been said in anger,

The heart is still bleeding although not quite as badly.

Our tendency is to put the episode behind us as if it never happened. We try to pretend everything is cool, although there is a tension in the air as if we're waiting for tragic news.

In essence, we try to move ahead from a painful experience by...lying.

It's okay,

We'll be okay,

I'm okay.

When enough time has lapsed we begin the healing process by excusing our behavior. We try to justify what we said and did. When that doesn't work we start blaming the other person; they made me mad, they don't understand my wonderfulness, they should be grateful I didn't say what I WANTED to say...

But really, let's stop here and finally get real. Face it.

Be willing to pick up the burden of acknowledging that you (yes, YOU)were....wrong.

Wrong

Wrong

Wrong

Oxford Complete Wordfinder defines the word in part: 'to be mistaken, not true, in error, amiss, out of order, treat unjustly, do something wrong to.' And so on.

But here's the thing. To admit wrong doing is not the same thing as rolling around in sackcloth and ashes. No one is expecting you to publicly whip yourself in repentence.

How pointless and tedious it would be to have you endlessly apologize ("Ma, you burned the spaghetti sauce in 1992. Really, it's time to move on already.").

By telling yourself the truth you are making a point that you are teachable and that you can change. That you have character and are willing to take the bad news, internalize it to the point where you grow and then can forgive yourself for what you said or did.

I hate the thought of going through a tough time and not learning anything from it. That means the next time (and oh, brother, there will be a next time) I mess up perhaps it won't be so devastating because I'll have learned from the last time. Otherwise I'm just continually trying to walk through a locked door.

That bumping sound you hear is my head endlessly hitting the wall.

Tell yourself the truth. Demonstrate in your own life how you'd like others to react when they're confronted with truth.

Take a deep breath. Let it out. State internally what you did in this situation. List it and acknowledge to yourself and to God that you blew it.

Allow yourself to experience the regret you feel and the sadness you are experiencing for a short time. Be thoughtful and considerate of the events that just occurred.

Here's the tough part. Get up, keep going.

But leave the burden of guilt and judgement behind. By telling yourself the truth and dealing with it, you've just released yourself from that weight.

Accept that fact and consider yourself older and wiser.