Be Careful What You Say

Relationships can be confusing. If you're in one, have been in one, are heading toward one, or know someone whose in one you know what I mean.

One of the most difficult aspect of relating to someone else is being able to trust them, or to believe what they say over time.

I say that because I often observe the different stages of people in their relationships, from the initial 'are you for real because you're so wonderful' all the way to the 'you expect me to believe you for real?' stage.

We build our knowledge of our loved ones based on what they say and do. We want to know that our information is accurate so we can have a consistent picture of them. We look for traits and attitudes we admire.

So what happens when there is a disconnect between what they say and what they do? What if they are very opinionated yet very inconsistent in their own lives?

For example, I once knew a very conservative business owner who was definitely the head of the household. He had high standards for his family and they were very faithful in church participation. I admired them for their consistency.
Until I learned that in his business he sold cigarettes and alcohol along with his other products.

Now I don't want you to think I'm being judgmental; I simply wondered if I really knew this family- if this inconsistency was acceptable to them what else was I missing?

Recently I have heard stories of spats between couples because he doesn't want her to go out with her friends. She feels he's being controlling and disapproving of these friends.

She has forgotten about all the times he has listened to her gripe and complain and vent about these same friends to him; if he loves her he will feel protective and want to shield her from such negativity and bad influences.

Then she turns around and wants to go out with them and expects his blessing!

How confusing.

So it makes me wonder how many times I've been too liberal in my opinions and who I shared them with. How many times I've painted a black picture about people or things and then turned around and embraced them. Am I giving those who love me the wrong idea about me? Am I doing it so often they push me away because they can't believe anything I say anymore?

We need to filter what we say. Not out of over-protectiveness but rather, is it really true or a spur of the moment temper tantrum? Am I ultimately lying?

In this year of taking personal responsibility let me challenge you to consider your comments and behavior. Make sure you live what you believe. Don't expect your loved ones to know what you mean- say what you mean.

And then live what you mean.

Snowed In

Here's the thing:

I have plans. Stuff I want to do.

I've built up momentum in my life; things on my 'to do' list and they HAVE to be done today. In person. Face to face. NOW.

Except our area is being socked in by massive waves of ice, sleet and snow. No one is going anywhere and even if we left our houses there is no place to go. Even the malls are closed due to snow!
We're all being warned to stay put and not burden the city by having to come rescue us when (not if) we get stranded.
So despite my perfect plans for the week everything has had to be changed.

Now I have a choice:

I can gripe and stomp around and make everyone's life miserable (made even MORE miserable because they're trapped in the house with me and can't escape!) I can complain and try to manipulate my circumstances.

Or I can go to plan B.

You know plan B. It's the one you have set aside for 'someday.' Someday I'll read that book, try that recipe, write that letter, clear off my desktop, catch up with loved ones.

It's funny because I suspect we think 'someday' will never come, otherwise we wouldn't get so irritated when it does arrive. We would embrace it.

Emotional peace and satisfaction is our goal. If not, we'd might as well give up our yoga and candles and prayer life completely. Why bother trying to invest in ourselves and our relationships if there's no pay off at the end of the day?

Which brings me back to the snowstorm.

It's out of my control.

I've decided to relax. I've been baking, puttering around in the kitchen.
I've been watching the little birds outside my kitchen door pecking around for seeds buried under the falling snow. I've also been watching my much-younger neighbor shovel and scrape his driveway twice so far.

Needless to say, the plans are cancelled. Tabled. Neutralized. Not gonna happen today.

So along with my baking and blogging and hibernating, let me give you some food for thought:
Determine along with me that you're going to take glitches in stride. Accept that your investment today is in you. Recharge, reflect, renew.

Once the roads are cleared you can enter the world with a fresh perspective.

Just watch out for that patch of ice.

Putting Families in Their Place

Lately it seems like everyone is having problems with members of their family.

Of course, relational problems are what brings most people to therapy. We don't know we don't get along with people unless there are people to not get along with....

But I'm not referring to the husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in this article. I'm talking about extended family members and the blurred lines between what is expected and what is right.

Some families expect that everyone is supposed to take care of each other no matter how inconvenient or inappropriate. Individuals are pressured by siblings or even parents to provide for their emotional and financial needs.

This creates massive stress and confusion in this person's life that it hinders their own marriage.

Those family members have learned early on that they could manipulate and guilt their son/daughter/brother/sister to do what made their lives easier. I don't believe it's a deliberate I'm-going-to-lie-awake-at-night-plotting-how-I'm-going-to-use-Gertrude-for-my-own-benefit behavior.

But anyone who finds an easy out to a crisis will take it.

As you determine your position, remember that it's healthy to want to disengage from the unrealistic expectations of your family of origin. Your goal is to create a new life for yourself as you gain independence. Healthy families understand that there is a hierarchy as we add generations to our family tree. Husbands and wives are to learn how to be their own family, stepping forward together as their parent and siblings step back.

This is not to say that loyalty and love for family of origin disappears. The family relationship is to be protected and nourished. However, I'm aware of an inability many people have to discern when to change their priorities. Because of this, their spouses suffer the consequences. Dear hubby has to accept that his time is now spent caring for relatives who can't (or won't) take care of themselves. He has to work overtime and even give up his vacation to provide for wife's unproductive relative. Sweet wife has to cart her mother-in-law to the doctor because M-I-L has alienated everyone else in the family. And wife feels resentment about it.

So what to do?

Determine right now your main priority. Is it your parents (assuming they are relatively healthy and able to provide for themselves) or is it your spouse? Did your marriage vows include, "I promise to take care of everyone and expect you to take care of them also"?

I didn't think so.

Simply stated, if there's a choice between going to Aunt Bertha's jewelry party or the spouse's Christmas party, the spouse must win. If you struggle between paying your own bills or fronting Mom's pedicures, the bills win.

These choices aren't selfishness; they are important investments in your future. They say that you have the ability to make tough choices that will enhance your life and you expect your loved ones to do the same. That includes financial pressures (e.g. Mom can't pay her utilities but wants you to put her on your cell phone plan saying she'll make the payments) or emotional ones (I'm calling you at 3 a.m. because I had a bad dream and can't get back to sleep).

Getting tough and standing firm on your decision will be tough at first but will ultimately pay off. Your own family will appreciate that you chose them over someone else. And in time you will gain a sense of peace that you are dealing with your responsibilities and you will be okay even if your family members don't or won't take care of theirs.

Learn to Make Better Choices

Most people find it difficult to make good choices. Without some form of guidance many of us flounder aimlessly until we make a spontaneous decision or even no decision at all.

Then hindsight reveals how uninformed we really were; the consequences seem to far outweigh the original choices.

That's why I've created the phrase 'Aggravation Fee.'

Using this term can enable anyone to gain confidence while learning to make better decisions.

Let me explain what I mean.

Imagine yourself shopping and you stumble upon a really good deal. Let's say for example it's a pair of shoes that would be just perfect for you. They fit beautifully, are comfortable, and for some unknown reason make you feel ten pounds thinner and look three inches taller.

You hesitate to purchase these shoes because they are a few dollars more than you're willing to spend. You hem and haw and walk around them and finally decide to put them back (some people even admit to hiding these items in hopes no one else will ever find them).

You rationalize your hesitation by saying things like,

"I'll wait for a sale," or "If they're still here next time I shop I'll buy them."

My favorite excuse is "If it's the Lord's Will they'll be here AND on sale."

Then guess what happens.

You come back for them and they're gone.

You even look through the displays and around the store to see if maybe someone put them in the wrong place. You check other store branches in hopes they might still have them. You would even pay full price or more if you could just have the chance to buy those shoes.

No luck.

Now you're upset.

You berate yourself because once again you blew it.

Suddenly a simple pair of shoes becomes the ONE THING you need to make your life better. Your wardrobe reminds you of your failure; every clothing combination seems shabby because the only thing that could make it work is the perfect pair of shoes you let slip away.

You, my friend, have just paid an 'Aggravation Fee.'

An aggravation fee is what you pay each time you decide to take the easiest or least complicated choice in a situation. The aggravation you experience, whether it be in regret or irritation, has a value attached to it. The time lost and stress associated with that pair of shoes far outweighed their initial cost.

So when you're facing a choice, say, whether to avoid a phone call or to simply take a deep breath and make the call, consider the aggravation fee.

Is procrastination worth paying the aggravation fee or should you just do the task ?

Would you have more peace if you don't go out with that group of irritating friends this time?

Should you get gas for the car now while you have time or are you willing to risk the inconvenience of waiting? Then, of course, it'll be raining and you'll be late for work and you'll kick yourself. The aggravation again may outweigh a little inconvenience early on.

It IS possible to make good choices.

Using the concept of aggravation fee will allow you to weigh your options and choose wisely.

You will likely lessen your stress and even have time to buy more shoes.

Anniversary of a Big Day

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to mention that yesterday, January 20, 2011 marked the 32nd anniversary of the day my hubby officially proposed.

I accepted.

For some reason, this date means more to me than our actual wedding date of June 8, 1979.

It began the true adventure of what commitment and bonding really means. From the excitement of announcing the engagement and waving my diamond ring around to the utter despair of planning a wedding with no money and too many opinions, the emotions ran both hot and cold.

Truthfully, at times they still do.

But I have to give a big shout out to my wonderful husband, Don, whom I both adore and want to slap upside the head most of the time.

I, on the other hand, am a saint(ahem).

Through Don I learned commitment, tolerance (ahem ahem), integrity and true humility.

The last 32 years have been healing and challenging and I look forward to the next 32 years with him as my best friend, devoted mate, and support system.

I learned how to remain faithful to God despite tribulation and in spite of downturns in our circumstances. I learned to give love and receive love.

Hopefully I've taught him a few things along the way.

So, here's to you, Babe. I dedicate the next terrible kung fu movie I watch to you.

It's true!

Mad At God

There seems to be a theme here.

After interacting with individuals with a wide array of issues I find that many hurting people are mad at God.

I understand how they feel; I'm familiar with the checklist I go through when I'm in a trial:

Hmmm, is it me?

I've prayed

Gone to church (most of the time)

Tithed faithfully(sometimes)

Haven't cussed (much)

Read my Bible (I can still get caught up on my reading the Bible in a year...it's still January)

I haven't said or done half the things I've wanted to say or do.

So if it isn't me it has to be my husband, ex husband, environment, genetics, economy that has caused this great trial.

God certainly can overlook that, see that I'm an innocent bystander here, and get me out of this.

Ok. I'm still waiting.

What's going ON here? Doesn't God care I'm suffering here? Why doesn't He answer my prayers to change my wife, boss, children, circumstances? Isn't that what He's supposed to do?

By this time we wonder if God is playing chess using us for a pawn. We start to withdraw our prayers or the tone of them changes to accusation:

"So God, I KNOW you said you're my heavenly Father and You'd take care of me. Well, I need taking care of but you don't seem to be listening. This isn't cool, God. Where are you?"

Then we get resentful in our attitudes.

"Well. It's me again. I'm still struggling if you care to know. I'm going to stop praying for a while because you evidently aren't listening. I'm going to save my breath for taking care of my own problems since you're obviously off somewhere else."

Does this sound familiar?

This is the stage many folks are in by the time they decide to seek counseling. Not only do the clients feel the exhaustion from trying to survive the trial but also the pain of feeling God is letting them down.

They feel awful (and somewhat self-righteous) when they admit their anger at God.

So here's the thing.

God's not gone. He's not distracted or disinterested in you and your difficulties. If He has numbered the hairs on your head (Luke 12:7) He's committed to you.

And He's not mad at you for feeling this way. True relationship involves the ugly side like warts and bandaids and bodily noises. God created you and is committed to you for the long haul.

But we need to keep moving ahead and not giving up. We must maintain the belief that 'I don't understand it but I accept it.'

Keep your dialogue with God open and say what you think- because He already knows how you feel. Be real. Be mad. Be faithful.

Then be aware of a change in your outlook. Maybe that encouraging phone call from a long lost friend was more than just a phone call. Perhaps that extra time you somehow found to read a book wasn't an accident. I seem to get reminder visits from hummingbirds.

We can't predict how God will answer our prayers or take care of us. I'd love to share with my readers the many times God uncurled my tightly clenched fists to fill my hands with blessing.

Even when I was mad.

In Defense of Naps

I love naps.

There's nothing better than taking time away to recharge batteries (mine must be AAA'a because they run out quickly).

So many factors in our lives pick away at our peace; bills, work, relationships, world events. It's no wonder many of us are stressed out and over stimulated. We get snappy and snippy and wiped out, often showing our irritation to those dearest to us.

I realize many people don't have the luxury of taking a daily nap. I get that.

But I wonder how many mistakes have been made because someone was simply too tired.
How many promotions, or even jobs have been lost,
How many relationships have been shattered
How many life-changing decisions have been made
Simply because someone was tired and missed the opportunity to say
No
Yes
I'm sorry
I'm listening
I love you
Forgive me

So my proposal is this:
I believe we should all determine in our hearts that we are going to take a daily nap.

Not necessarily the 'close your eyes and go to sleep' kind of nap.

But the 'I'm going to break away from this chaos and have 10 minutes of unadulterated quiet' kind of nap.

I hear the protests now from those who think they've outgrown such childishness or they don't have the time what with all they have to do. It's kind of ironic how we faithfully charge in our cell phones or put our computers in sleep mode but we won't take any time to recharge ourselves.

Counselor's offices are filled with exhausted people who can't think anymore. Who feel empty and lost and lonely because they're so tired.

The tiredness led them to make mistakes. Misunderstandings. Missteps.

Things they would never had done if they'd had a break from it all.

All for the lack of a nap.

Do you want to join them in their weariness (or are you already there) ?

Or are you like me, claiming the right to have a few minutes to yourself daily to have enough energy when the stresses build up?

Start right now. Determine that you're going to detach yourself each day from the hurry of life. That time (I recommend 15 minutes minimum) is to be spent alone and in quiet. If you can't take a physical nap at least take a mental one.

I hate for you to look back on your life and see mistakes that could have been avoided, words that wouldn't have been said, or steps that wouldn't have been taken
If you'd only had a nap.