Our Lives Are Stories in the Making

When trials strike it feels like time stops.

We are numb to our experiences; tomorrow has no meaning. Sometimes all we can do is remind ourselves to keep breathing.

We've all been dealt blows that force us to curl up into a fetal position and pray it's all a bad dream.

We already know it's a nightmare.

We're shocked to discover that almost everyone else's lives go on. They can keep on with their daily routines without thinking much about it. The world is still spinning while we feel ours has stopped. Frankly, it ticks me off that the sun still rises and falls when I'm suffering.

I don't want to make light of anyone's trauma. I just want to offer this thought:

The story isn't over.

Looking back over the worst chapters in my life, I realize now that they were merely a part of where I am and who I have become.

The same is true for all of us when we reflect on our past.

If THIS hadn't happened then THAT wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't be HERE.

So let me offer hope to anyone who feels stunted or trapped by their circumstances.

God knows what He's doing even if it seems pointless. His view of us and His decisions are based on an eternal perspective. Hope says keep going. Keep the story moving forward.

Because the story is still being written.

Texting is Trouble

A texting glitch nearly cost me a good friendship today.

For a long time I've ranted about the aggravations technology brings to our lives. I've referred to my experiences in a previous blog. I've spoken of it humorously but it really isn't funny.

Many relational arguments are created by websites, chat rooms, Facebook, instant messages and texts. Anger/hurt due to misunderstandings often create rifts between people that can be nearly impossible to close. We assume the wrong was intentional and don't ask for clarification.

We've been taught to believe technology over the word of a human being. Protestations of innocence are drowned out by irrefutable(?) facts; if there's a difference of opinion then there must be deliberate deception.

I want to suggest that technology isn't always foolproof; my experience today convinced me.

I had made plans with my friend earlier in the week and we needed to firm up our plans for today. So I texted her around 6:00 p.m. last night. I was slightly surprised as the evening went on that I hadn't heard from her.

Still hearing nothing, I went to bed around 11 p.m., assured we'd make plans in the morning.

My cellphone burped and chirped @ about 1:15 a.m. relating a message that scolded me for not contacting her and that she was going to bed. I got another text this morning telling me she was letting me off easy because I'd upset her (and woke her up) by texting her at 1:30 a.m.

Only... I was asleep at 1:30 and had sent that message at 6p.m. and she was just now getting it.

So here she was, upset and unable to get back to sleep due to a delayed message. I'm sure she was imagining all sorts of evil against me (at 1:30 in the morning who wouldn't?) because I was so thoughtless.

When we did meet this morning we both held up our cellphones and looked at each other's times and messages to confirm what had happened.

It turns out that we had BOTH messaged each other at about the same time and neither one of us got our texts in a timely manner. Forcing ourselves to discuss it helped us both to be able to confirm what really happened.

We got to talking about how many relationships are damaged because of a delay in transmissions, each person feeling hurt and disrespected. It convinces me that we must fight to maintain control over technology and that we need to be willing to listen to conflicting stories.

So here's the thing. How many times have we assumed that machines can't lie? That someone is trying to fool or cheat us? That we are being made a fool of?

How many times have we been told otherwise and we've refused to believe it?

Take my suggestion: Double check what you see vs. what you are told. Talk it over and respect your relationships by listening and being willing to accept inconsistencies. Be willing to consider that technology may be wrong.

After all, didn't man create the machines?

Blessing Journal

Lately I've noticed how easily we focus on the irritations and crummy things that happen to us throughout our day; the green lights missed and the coffee spills on the furniture. What we forget is that for every negative occurrance there are probably three or more positive experiences we overlook.

That is why I strongly suggest we all keep a blessings journal.

A blessings journal is a special notebook for each person to keep. It can be as simple as the back of an envelope or as formal as a leather bound notebook kept under lock and key.

The point of the journal is to record the blessings, or positive experiences, each day brings.

Now I know some of you are saying, "Oh, Karen, I barely have time to brush my teeth and you expect me to have time to sit down and write into a journal every day?"

Not exactly. I can't sit down for an extended length of time and write in flowery language each and every thing I observe. That would last...not at all.

I can't do it.

But I can grab my journal and write:

Lunch with Bernice.
Sale on mukluks.
Exfoliation successful.

What I notice in people who have begun a journal is that their outlook is beginning to change. They are looking for entries to put into their book. They begin to notice when something happens they would normally overlook. Good stuff.

What follows is a change of heart and attitude that does a lot for their state of mind. I've seen the most negative person motor along with a lift in their spirit as they keep their eyes up rather than down.

One of the greatest thing about keeping a journal is that when things do turn dark and we stumble, we can reread our blessing entries and be reminded that life is good after all. It gives us strength to keep going and expect the tide to turn once more.

I want you to try my idea and see what you think. Keep a list for a few days and reflect on how you feel at the end of the allotted time. It can be simple and you don't have to share it with anyone.

I guarantee you will feel more energized and hopeful. You might even find yourself logging comments made by friends and family wondering what has caused your change of heart.
And wouldn't THAT be a blessing?

Be Careful What You Say

Relationships can be confusing. If you're in one, have been in one, are heading toward one, or know someone whose in one you know what I mean.

One of the most difficult aspect of relating to someone else is being able to trust them, or to believe what they say over time.

I say that because I often observe the different stages of people in their relationships, from the initial 'are you for real because you're so wonderful' all the way to the 'you expect me to believe you for real?' stage.

We build our knowledge of our loved ones based on what they say and do. We want to know that our information is accurate so we can have a consistent picture of them. We look for traits and attitudes we admire.

So what happens when there is a disconnect between what they say and what they do? What if they are very opinionated yet very inconsistent in their own lives?

For example, I once knew a very conservative business owner who was definitely the head of the household. He had high standards for his family and they were very faithful in church participation. I admired them for their consistency.
Until I learned that in his business he sold cigarettes and alcohol along with his other products.

Now I don't want you to think I'm being judgmental; I simply wondered if I really knew this family- if this inconsistency was acceptable to them what else was I missing?

Recently I have heard stories of spats between couples because he doesn't want her to go out with her friends. She feels he's being controlling and disapproving of these friends.

She has forgotten about all the times he has listened to her gripe and complain and vent about these same friends to him; if he loves her he will feel protective and want to shield her from such negativity and bad influences.

Then she turns around and wants to go out with them and expects his blessing!

How confusing.

So it makes me wonder how many times I've been too liberal in my opinions and who I shared them with. How many times I've painted a black picture about people or things and then turned around and embraced them. Am I giving those who love me the wrong idea about me? Am I doing it so often they push me away because they can't believe anything I say anymore?

We need to filter what we say. Not out of over-protectiveness but rather, is it really true or a spur of the moment temper tantrum? Am I ultimately lying?

In this year of taking personal responsibility let me challenge you to consider your comments and behavior. Make sure you live what you believe. Don't expect your loved ones to know what you mean- say what you mean.

And then live what you mean.

Snowed In

Here's the thing:

I have plans. Stuff I want to do.

I've built up momentum in my life; things on my 'to do' list and they HAVE to be done today. In person. Face to face. NOW.

Except our area is being socked in by massive waves of ice, sleet and snow. No one is going anywhere and even if we left our houses there is no place to go. Even the malls are closed due to snow!
We're all being warned to stay put and not burden the city by having to come rescue us when (not if) we get stranded.
So despite my perfect plans for the week everything has had to be changed.

Now I have a choice:

I can gripe and stomp around and make everyone's life miserable (made even MORE miserable because they're trapped in the house with me and can't escape!) I can complain and try to manipulate my circumstances.

Or I can go to plan B.

You know plan B. It's the one you have set aside for 'someday.' Someday I'll read that book, try that recipe, write that letter, clear off my desktop, catch up with loved ones.

It's funny because I suspect we think 'someday' will never come, otherwise we wouldn't get so irritated when it does arrive. We would embrace it.

Emotional peace and satisfaction is our goal. If not, we'd might as well give up our yoga and candles and prayer life completely. Why bother trying to invest in ourselves and our relationships if there's no pay off at the end of the day?

Which brings me back to the snowstorm.

It's out of my control.

I've decided to relax. I've been baking, puttering around in the kitchen.
I've been watching the little birds outside my kitchen door pecking around for seeds buried under the falling snow. I've also been watching my much-younger neighbor shovel and scrape his driveway twice so far.

Needless to say, the plans are cancelled. Tabled. Neutralized. Not gonna happen today.

So along with my baking and blogging and hibernating, let me give you some food for thought:
Determine along with me that you're going to take glitches in stride. Accept that your investment today is in you. Recharge, reflect, renew.

Once the roads are cleared you can enter the world with a fresh perspective.

Just watch out for that patch of ice.

Putting Families in Their Place

Lately it seems like everyone is having problems with members of their family.

Of course, relational problems are what brings most people to therapy. We don't know we don't get along with people unless there are people to not get along with....

But I'm not referring to the husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in this article. I'm talking about extended family members and the blurred lines between what is expected and what is right.

Some families expect that everyone is supposed to take care of each other no matter how inconvenient or inappropriate. Individuals are pressured by siblings or even parents to provide for their emotional and financial needs.

This creates massive stress and confusion in this person's life that it hinders their own marriage.

Those family members have learned early on that they could manipulate and guilt their son/daughter/brother/sister to do what made their lives easier. I don't believe it's a deliberate I'm-going-to-lie-awake-at-night-plotting-how-I'm-going-to-use-Gertrude-for-my-own-benefit behavior.

But anyone who finds an easy out to a crisis will take it.

As you determine your position, remember that it's healthy to want to disengage from the unrealistic expectations of your family of origin. Your goal is to create a new life for yourself as you gain independence. Healthy families understand that there is a hierarchy as we add generations to our family tree. Husbands and wives are to learn how to be their own family, stepping forward together as their parent and siblings step back.

This is not to say that loyalty and love for family of origin disappears. The family relationship is to be protected and nourished. However, I'm aware of an inability many people have to discern when to change their priorities. Because of this, their spouses suffer the consequences. Dear hubby has to accept that his time is now spent caring for relatives who can't (or won't) take care of themselves. He has to work overtime and even give up his vacation to provide for wife's unproductive relative. Sweet wife has to cart her mother-in-law to the doctor because M-I-L has alienated everyone else in the family. And wife feels resentment about it.

So what to do?

Determine right now your main priority. Is it your parents (assuming they are relatively healthy and able to provide for themselves) or is it your spouse? Did your marriage vows include, "I promise to take care of everyone and expect you to take care of them also"?

I didn't think so.

Simply stated, if there's a choice between going to Aunt Bertha's jewelry party or the spouse's Christmas party, the spouse must win. If you struggle between paying your own bills or fronting Mom's pedicures, the bills win.

These choices aren't selfishness; they are important investments in your future. They say that you have the ability to make tough choices that will enhance your life and you expect your loved ones to do the same. That includes financial pressures (e.g. Mom can't pay her utilities but wants you to put her on your cell phone plan saying she'll make the payments) or emotional ones (I'm calling you at 3 a.m. because I had a bad dream and can't get back to sleep).

Getting tough and standing firm on your decision will be tough at first but will ultimately pay off. Your own family will appreciate that you chose them over someone else. And in time you will gain a sense of peace that you are dealing with your responsibilities and you will be okay even if your family members don't or won't take care of theirs.

Learn to Make Better Choices

Most people find it difficult to make good choices. Without some form of guidance many of us flounder aimlessly until we make a spontaneous decision or even no decision at all.

Then hindsight reveals how uninformed we really were; the consequences seem to far outweigh the original choices.

That's why I've created the phrase 'Aggravation Fee.'

Using this term can enable anyone to gain confidence while learning to make better decisions.

Let me explain what I mean.

Imagine yourself shopping and you stumble upon a really good deal. Let's say for example it's a pair of shoes that would be just perfect for you. They fit beautifully, are comfortable, and for some unknown reason make you feel ten pounds thinner and look three inches taller.

You hesitate to purchase these shoes because they are a few dollars more than you're willing to spend. You hem and haw and walk around them and finally decide to put them back (some people even admit to hiding these items in hopes no one else will ever find them).

You rationalize your hesitation by saying things like,

"I'll wait for a sale," or "If they're still here next time I shop I'll buy them."

My favorite excuse is "If it's the Lord's Will they'll be here AND on sale."

Then guess what happens.

You come back for them and they're gone.

You even look through the displays and around the store to see if maybe someone put them in the wrong place. You check other store branches in hopes they might still have them. You would even pay full price or more if you could just have the chance to buy those shoes.

No luck.

Now you're upset.

You berate yourself because once again you blew it.

Suddenly a simple pair of shoes becomes the ONE THING you need to make your life better. Your wardrobe reminds you of your failure; every clothing combination seems shabby because the only thing that could make it work is the perfect pair of shoes you let slip away.

You, my friend, have just paid an 'Aggravation Fee.'

An aggravation fee is what you pay each time you decide to take the easiest or least complicated choice in a situation. The aggravation you experience, whether it be in regret or irritation, has a value attached to it. The time lost and stress associated with that pair of shoes far outweighed their initial cost.

So when you're facing a choice, say, whether to avoid a phone call or to simply take a deep breath and make the call, consider the aggravation fee.

Is procrastination worth paying the aggravation fee or should you just do the task ?

Would you have more peace if you don't go out with that group of irritating friends this time?

Should you get gas for the car now while you have time or are you willing to risk the inconvenience of waiting? Then, of course, it'll be raining and you'll be late for work and you'll kick yourself. The aggravation again may outweigh a little inconvenience early on.

It IS possible to make good choices.

Using the concept of aggravation fee will allow you to weigh your options and choose wisely.

You will likely lessen your stress and even have time to buy more shoes.