Enjoying the Holidays

The holiday food is eaten and the packages are unwrapped; your blood pressure is leveling off and the mayhem has ceased.

Now what?

Think back on what has relentlessly filled your mind these last few days/weeks/months.

Lists and more lists, tasks and more tasks, obligations and more obligations.

It's exhausting to be so jolly for so long.

At some point we see that there is no more to do and all that's left is allowing ourselves to enjoy what we've done.

I think it's hard to do.

I know I spend so much time deciding and guiding the festivities for everyone I'm wiped out and miss most of the fun because my mind is still racing:

Is their reaction honest?

Did I get the right gift for them?

Did I remember everything?

Am I scarring them for life because I forgot something?

Maybe it's just me but I noticed something odd in many Christmas movies:

They seem to have time to do everything, they remember details and they enjoy the process.

Plus people are happy (glowing, even) with receiving one gift.

It's almost irritating.

I find I'm so distracted by the business end of the holiday I forget the fun end.

So I'm trying to do it different this year and simply enjoy myself.

We've had a beautiful fluffy snowfall this year and it's breathtaking. It's all so...perfect.

It reminds me that we can't control every aspect of our lives. That we'd have done okay without the snow feature but having it somehow makes it all even more delightful.

It also reminds me that God takes care of the big stuff and even the small details. Like snow.

My challenge now is to behave how I believe; God is in charge so I'm free to relax.

Enjoy

Appreciate

Bless

Be blessed

Rest in the assurance that this Christmas is all about relationship(s). Not only relationships with our dear ones, but a relationship with our Dear One.

So it's time, my friends, to surrender the planning and working mode your brain has been in. You've been pushing and pulling the sled for a long time; now it's time to jump on it yourself and go for a wonderful ride.

WHHEEEEEEEEEE!

Learning to Be Satisfied

So how's everyone doing? I hope you are pacing yourselves and enjoying the process of Christmas.

I think it's interesting to watch people shop at the last minute. After a while they're frantically throwing just about anything into their cart for a stocking stuffer. Random comments such as, "I know Loretta likes...towels. Yeah, towels. So I bet she'd like this orange one on sale from Halloween." Moms and Dads are threatening their exhausted kids that Santa won't visit them if they don't behave.

People are losing their perspective as panic sets in.

I'm aware of an anxiety that's rising within me; I'm conflicted and confused but the reason may not be what you think. (Those of you who know me are thinking, "What? She's ALWAYS confused!").

Hear me out.

I'm struggling with the realization I have to learn to be satisfied.

Not satisfaction with what I want or may receive as a gift. Like most of us I have plenty and then some.

My discomfort comes from the fact that I have to be satisfied with the amount of gifts I GIVE to the family members and other folks I love.

Isn't it true? How do we express how we truly feel about our loved ones? I know for myself, mere words can't express the depth of love and appreciation I feel for the people in my life.

The only way we know of is to give gifts. Lots of gifts. Too many gifts. The bigger the better.

But then even after the giving and the thank you's we follow up with,

"Did you really like it? Huh? Huh? Did you? You're not just saying that, are you?"

So here's where the challenge is:

Accept that you can't give someone a gift equal to their personal value. You just can't. I know I've tried and maxed out credit cards in the past in my effort to 'get it right this year.'

Instead, determine that you're going to show your dear ones all year long how you feel about them. Don't save up all the good stuff till the end of the year, dump it in their laps and expect them to read your mind and your heart.

You will always be unhappy the next time you see that item laying unused in their room/house. You will equate your value with how they treat your gift.

So don't use Christmas items as a symbol for who you are and what you mean to your loved ones. Purchase a simple gift you know they will enjoy and let it go. It's a tough bit of advice I'm having to heed myself.

So as I've been saying all along:

Take a deep breath, repeat indefinitely.

Relax and decide that you're going to be satisfied.

Lessons Learned From a Bad Mood

So here I am at the end of a very long day and I have a confession to make:

I didn't want to go to work today.

Oh come on, don't act so surprised. I'm sure you've felt like calling in sick lots of times.
The problem is I'm my own boss.

I tried to convince myself I was coming down with something terribly contagious and for the good of mankind I should stay home.
Maybe I was going to have car trouble. Or maybe the weather was dangerous to drive in.
Or
Or
Or nothing. I had no excuse for staying home except I just wanted a do-over for the day.

Have you ever been so cranky you just want to avoid everyone? I have and it only feels so good to feel so bad for so long. Eventually you have to get out of your fuzzy jammies and brave the world in spite of yourself.

I hate that part when I have a good grump going on.

So today I forced myself to be a grownup and went to work despite my druthers.
And you know what?

Today I got to talk to someone who felt really scared about life. I also got to meet a person who just needs some encouragement. And someone else who was having family trouble and needed to vent. Another client had some transitions coming and needed to think out loud.

I love that stuff! By the end of the evening I felt downright reinvigorated. Great even.

Something about reaching out to encourage others encourages me. It helps me remember that life isn't all about me. To switch my focus from me, mine, to you, yours reminds me that God created us to help each other out.

Maybe you can't help anyone out this year financially. Not many of us can. But each one of us can give a part of ourselves to someone else. It could be your time to help someone put up Christmas lights. You could help someone wrap gifts or share extra Christmas cookies (hint!).
Just the willingness to listen to someone means everything.

So I did end up going to work but it didn't seem like work once I got there.

And I think the person who was helped the most was me.

Time For a Break

I know it's the last weekend before the Christmas holiday crunch begins. Already I'm having trouble finding a parking spot and having to play 'chicken' with grocery carts at Wal-Mart. I think if I earned a nickle for every time I heard Andy Williams sing "It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year" somewhere I could retire a wealthy woman indeed.

Isn't it going too far when the countdown until Christmas is a permanent fixture on your television screen? The other day I thought I was watching channel 10 for about an hour before I realized I wasn't: They were kindly reminding me there were 10 days before the Big Day.

Pressure, pressure, pressure.

We're in the final lap, gang.

Now's the time to decide what great plans get tossed and what will really happen. My efforts to bake a bizillion different types of Christmas cookies to pass around to friends and family has already taken a major hit; now I'm wondering if Oreos will do.

So here's where we have to make peace with our expectations:
Sit down,
Have a hot cuppa,
Breathe (repeat this last step indefinitely).

It's vital that you think about your priorities before you join the bustling crowd singing around the cash registers. Consider the folks you really treasure and what they'd really appreciate from you.

I've learned that several of my friends know they have enough possessions but really want to spend friend time over a Happy Meal. Some other friends would love some cards with pre-stamped envelopes; all they have to do is drop a quick note to someone who loves to receive a personal word.
Still others loooove homemade soups and cookies and really don't care at all about more knicknacks.

I have a friend who took an embarassing photo of me and had it made into photo Christmas cards and gave them to me (I sure hope I have all the copies).

One year I took little bits of yarn and placed it in a small basket. When my friend opened it I explained it was a weekly supply of string bikinis to use in her new swimming pool.

The point is, we need to take a break and simplify. Respect the meaning of the holiday and determine you're going to do less and enjoy more.

Relaxing takes work.

But in taking a break you're refreshed and just may find the need for a little redirection.
Let everyone else get frenzied and flustered. Then when they see you smiling through it all they'll either think you're medicated or have found the solution to holiday stress.

Either way they'll want some too.

p.s. Don't forget to keep up with my blogs and spread the news about my book. We need to provide as much encouragement as possible this time of year.

Depression and Christmas

The Christmas season has become all about us. And it's worsened when we struggle with depression. You'd think we'd outgrow the holiday blues.
Trying to make sense of our negative emotions during the holiday season is a challenge . We don't always succeed in shaking off the suspicion we missed the memo that explained what all the hooplah is about.
I think it has a lot to do with Christmas movies(see prior blog) and marketing ploys. Everything is spectacular and expensive, relationships are safe and joyous, and everyone has time to do everything. We think if we don't replicate that perfection we've blown it.
We are failures.
We can't do anything right.
It wasn't the right gift.
I forgot to bake cookies.
I forgot a tradition.
Plus I forgot to put up a stocking for cousin Freda's pet ferret.

The older we get the less magical the season is for us. Rather than being the receiver of it all we've become the giver. We know too much and have seen too much to partake of the beauty of the season; all we see are the lights that burned out and the stuff we still have to do.

It's no wonder mental issues spike at holiday times.

I think,too, we are reminded of what we don't have:

Parents are no longer with us (mine would probably be llama trekking somewhere but you know what I mean), siblings don't get along, blended families aren't blending, everyone else is going everywhere else and we have to fend for ourselves.

I've heard people say they aren't celebrating this year, they aren't decorating, they aren't traveling anywhere, they're just going to stay home and wait it out. Bah Humbug.

I say, if you can do it, go for it.

Most of us, however, feel compelled to 'try again.' Maybe THIS Christmas will be better, maybe THIS year we'll get dear daughter the present she's always wanted. Maybe we'll find that ferret stocking at Petsmart.

And then we'll feel better, maybe.

Let's remember how important it is to regain our perspective of the season. What is the proper focus during this time? Is it the stuff and the food? Is it stuffing ourselves with food?
Is it in fulfilling everyone else's fantasy of Christmas?

I used to get so depressed at Christmas I would cry at the mall while listening to good old Bing Crosby singing carols. The brighter the holiday colors the duller my mood. I didn't know what was causing it but I for sure knew it wasn't what my friends were experiencing.

So here's the thing: Depression happens. Old memories rise to the surface and float in front of our eyes. We get tempted to hide under our nice, warm snuggies until Spring.

The problem with depression is that everyone around us reminds us of our blessings, our health, and basically tell us we don't have the right to feel like we do.

And I say, we DO have a right to feel the we do. But is it worthwhile? Does it make coping any easier or the Christmas tasks any easier to accomplish? I say no.

What DOES help is to regain our focus on what Christmas is really celebrating.

Not the stuff or the stuffing.
Not the gifts or the giver.
Not the songs or the singers.

Our attention must rest on WHO we are applauding. The praise and honor due to Him only.
Our awe that Jesus came to earth in human form ,the most wonderful of all feats of love.

When you find yourself feeling particularly Grinch-like in the next few weeks take a few moments to reflect. Refuse to roll in the refuse of defeat, reminding yourself of what you didn't, don't, or will never have.

Instead, turn your attention to the things you do have: a Savior who really did come to earth, and Who continues to fulfill all His promises to you. God does give the best gifts, you know. Thinking on Him and the whole meaning of Christmas will lift your heart and emotions a bit at a time.

I promise.

Grief During the Holidays

Loss is difficult at any time of the year. There are adjustments to be made in our daily lives, and we experience what can only be described as a hole in our emotional ozone.

Not only is there the physical death of the loved one but the death of hope as well; hope that the relationship might get better, that the person may finally say what we think we need to hear. We must also acknowledge that the deposits (and withdrawals) in the memory bank representing that person have ceased.

We have built so much sentimentality into our holidays. That's why we want everything to be special. It's supposed to exemplify all that is good and right in our world. When our world shifts it feels awful.

When I mention sentimentality, I have to list almost every holiday movie, tv show. made-for-tv-movie that's ever existed.

My dear husband Don loooooves holiday movies. I daresay there isn't a single smarmy Christmas movie this dude hasn't seen and loved. Last year I jokingly gave him several Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen VHS Christmas movies as his gift. He watched every one of them and loved them all.

But Don's love for Christmas movies is a sterling example of the idealism we embrace during this season. The idealism that everything has to be a certain pre-set way and anything different ruins everything we hold sacred.

That's what makes us miss someone who is no longer there to retain their place in our traditions.

I know how I felt the first holiday afterI lost my Mom. Although things weren't perfect between us there was still an honored place for her during the holidays. When she was no longer there I felt weird. My loss felt greater when I couldn't make any more memories.

How about you? Have you felt laden with grief over someone no longer able to share your holidays? If so, I understand.

Being sentimental can be good. It's a way of processing thoughts and opinions, memories and dreams. Sentimentality creates within us an appreciation for the way things used to be.

I hope people miss me when I'm gone, don't you? I'd hate to think I made such a small impression in this world that there is no need to stop and reminisce. No desire to share funny and sad stories about my time on earth. That's true of everyone; to grieve over loss is important. It's a way to honor the place that person held in our heart.

So if you're feeling bereaved right now, remember that it's a symbol of respect for the one who is gone. Allow yourself to remember that person and give your heart the time it needs to process the effect he or she had your life.

So for this year, use your imagination to find a way to commemorate your departed loved one. Purchase a special ornament for the tree, serve their favorite dessert, use the hand towels or bath salts they gave you for a gift in prior years. Talk about them fondly.


But don't forget the folks who are still here. Don't be so lost in your loss you ignore those you still have in your life. Use this experience to create new memories and traditions that will not only honor the past but instill hope for the future.

Being an Agent of Change

Conflict is never easy. My Wordfinder dictionary describes conflict as:
'a state of opposition or hostilities, a fight or struggle, the opposition of incompatable needs in a person.'

A state of opposition. Let's discuss this concept.

When someone or something brings about conflict in our lives, we feel victimized. It feels as if we are being pecked to death by a herd of hens (ever heard of hens? Sure you have...).

It's hard to accept conflict when we're on the receiving end of it; when we have to deal with the consequences of the situation whether we deserved it or not. We are left scrambling to sort out how to regain what was normal in our lives and it's difficult.

While it's hard to adapt to difficulties we didn't create, I think it's even more painful to be the person who caused the trouble in the first place:

The boss who had to give the young single mom a pink slip due to downsizing,
The doctor revealing negative test results,
The person whose friend gets injured or even killed while helping change a blown tire on the side of the road,
The apartment-sitter who accidently set off the smoke alarm in a four story retirement building (yes, that was me).

Each of these examples, to name a very few, demonstrate the burden being carried by individuals who find themselves the agent of change in someone else's life. It ain't pretty.

I've had long chats with people who are worried about the ramifications of downsizing their department at work, of evicting their adult children from their home, of taking back a car or cell phone because it it was being mismanaged.

After counseling for a long time I have to suggest this possibility:

I believe in the possibility that we go through conflict/bad times so we change the path we're on. I believe that many of us stay in jobs too long, at home too long, in bad dating relationships too long simply because it's what we're used to. It gets comfortable to have a predictable life.

But that's not what our lives are meant to be.

We are to be agents of change not only in our own lives, but in the lives of others.

Someone's gotta do it.

For example, several years ago, I met a young woman who'd come to me due to shame over having received a speeding ticket. She was devastated. Her reaction to being pulled over genuinely concerned the police officer who'd clocked her going well over the speed limit.
This reaction was so severe her husband insisted she seek counseling.

Here comes the interesting part.

During the course of our sessions, it was suggested she go to her primary care doctor to discuss possible medications to help her during this time.
It was while the doctor was performing tests on this woman that it was discovered she had the early stages of cancer. She was to have surgery to remove the cancerous cells but they felt they'd caught it early.

What sticks with me in this situation is this: If she hadn't been pulled over, she wouldn't have freaked out, wouldn't have seen a counselor, wouldn't have gone to the doctor, wouldn't have found the cancerous cells and been treated.

I wonder where she'd be right now.

I wonder how the police officer felt pulling over such a distraught woman.

I wonder how her husband felt insisting she get out of her comfort zone and seek counseling.

I know how her counselor felt pushing her to go the the doctor.

It's interesting to note that most change occurs during difficult times; someone loses a job so they have to find a new one job they ended up liking better. A man falls off a ladder and breaks his leg and gets to spend more time with his family until he heals. A couple discovers they can't bear their own children so they become foster parents.

In my experience, nothing we ever encounter is wasted in our lives. We learn, we adapt, we are brought to different decisions we wouldn't have made if all other options hadn't been removed.

Here's a challenge: Think about the blessings you would never have received if something bad hadn't happened. In the example above, think of the boss, the doctor, the friend, the apartment sitter. I'm sure each one of them felt terrible for causing pain and discomfort to others. Yet if they only knew the results of their action they'd be if not pleased, at least relieved to know what happened created some good.

It's not always about us; we must release the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' and accept that what looks like Plan B in someone's life may actually be the new birth of Plan A.

*If you enjoy this blog make sure you become a follower listed at the top of this page. Also, my book, Lord, Shut Me Up! is still available on Amazon.com.