Putting Families in Their Place

Lately it seems like everyone is having problems with members of their family.

Of course, relational problems are what brings most people to therapy. We don't know we don't get along with people unless there are people to not get along with....

But I'm not referring to the husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in this article. I'm talking about extended family members and the blurred lines between what is expected and what is right.

Some families expect that everyone is supposed to take care of each other no matter how inconvenient or inappropriate. Individuals are pressured by siblings or even parents to provide for their emotional and financial needs.

This creates massive stress and confusion in this person's life that it hinders their own marriage.

Those family members have learned early on that they could manipulate and guilt their son/daughter/brother/sister to do what made their lives easier. I don't believe it's a deliberate I'm-going-to-lie-awake-at-night-plotting-how-I'm-going-to-use-Gertrude-for-my-own-benefit behavior.

But anyone who finds an easy out to a crisis will take it.

As you determine your position, remember that it's healthy to want to disengage from the unrealistic expectations of your family of origin. Your goal is to create a new life for yourself as you gain independence. Healthy families understand that there is a hierarchy as we add generations to our family tree. Husbands and wives are to learn how to be their own family, stepping forward together as their parent and siblings step back.

This is not to say that loyalty and love for family of origin disappears. The family relationship is to be protected and nourished. However, I'm aware of an inability many people have to discern when to change their priorities. Because of this, their spouses suffer the consequences. Dear hubby has to accept that his time is now spent caring for relatives who can't (or won't) take care of themselves. He has to work overtime and even give up his vacation to provide for wife's unproductive relative. Sweet wife has to cart her mother-in-law to the doctor because M-I-L has alienated everyone else in the family. And wife feels resentment about it.

So what to do?

Determine right now your main priority. Is it your parents (assuming they are relatively healthy and able to provide for themselves) or is it your spouse? Did your marriage vows include, "I promise to take care of everyone and expect you to take care of them also"?

I didn't think so.

Simply stated, if there's a choice between going to Aunt Bertha's jewelry party or the spouse's Christmas party, the spouse must win. If you struggle between paying your own bills or fronting Mom's pedicures, the bills win.

These choices aren't selfishness; they are important investments in your future. They say that you have the ability to make tough choices that will enhance your life and you expect your loved ones to do the same. That includes financial pressures (e.g. Mom can't pay her utilities but wants you to put her on your cell phone plan saying she'll make the payments) or emotional ones (I'm calling you at 3 a.m. because I had a bad dream and can't get back to sleep).

Getting tough and standing firm on your decision will be tough at first but will ultimately pay off. Your own family will appreciate that you chose them over someone else. And in time you will gain a sense of peace that you are dealing with your responsibilities and you will be okay even if your family members don't or won't take care of theirs.

Learn to Make Better Choices

Most people find it difficult to make good choices. Without some form of guidance many of us flounder aimlessly until we make a spontaneous decision or even no decision at all.

Then hindsight reveals how uninformed we really were; the consequences seem to far outweigh the original choices.

That's why I've created the phrase 'Aggravation Fee.'

Using this term can enable anyone to gain confidence while learning to make better decisions.

Let me explain what I mean.

Imagine yourself shopping and you stumble upon a really good deal. Let's say for example it's a pair of shoes that would be just perfect for you. They fit beautifully, are comfortable, and for some unknown reason make you feel ten pounds thinner and look three inches taller.

You hesitate to purchase these shoes because they are a few dollars more than you're willing to spend. You hem and haw and walk around them and finally decide to put them back (some people even admit to hiding these items in hopes no one else will ever find them).

You rationalize your hesitation by saying things like,

"I'll wait for a sale," or "If they're still here next time I shop I'll buy them."

My favorite excuse is "If it's the Lord's Will they'll be here AND on sale."

Then guess what happens.

You come back for them and they're gone.

You even look through the displays and around the store to see if maybe someone put them in the wrong place. You check other store branches in hopes they might still have them. You would even pay full price or more if you could just have the chance to buy those shoes.

No luck.

Now you're upset.

You berate yourself because once again you blew it.

Suddenly a simple pair of shoes becomes the ONE THING you need to make your life better. Your wardrobe reminds you of your failure; every clothing combination seems shabby because the only thing that could make it work is the perfect pair of shoes you let slip away.

You, my friend, have just paid an 'Aggravation Fee.'

An aggravation fee is what you pay each time you decide to take the easiest or least complicated choice in a situation. The aggravation you experience, whether it be in regret or irritation, has a value attached to it. The time lost and stress associated with that pair of shoes far outweighed their initial cost.

So when you're facing a choice, say, whether to avoid a phone call or to simply take a deep breath and make the call, consider the aggravation fee.

Is procrastination worth paying the aggravation fee or should you just do the task ?

Would you have more peace if you don't go out with that group of irritating friends this time?

Should you get gas for the car now while you have time or are you willing to risk the inconvenience of waiting? Then, of course, it'll be raining and you'll be late for work and you'll kick yourself. The aggravation again may outweigh a little inconvenience early on.

It IS possible to make good choices.

Using the concept of aggravation fee will allow you to weigh your options and choose wisely.

You will likely lessen your stress and even have time to buy more shoes.

Anniversary of a Big Day

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to mention that yesterday, January 20, 2011 marked the 32nd anniversary of the day my hubby officially proposed.

I accepted.

For some reason, this date means more to me than our actual wedding date of June 8, 1979.

It began the true adventure of what commitment and bonding really means. From the excitement of announcing the engagement and waving my diamond ring around to the utter despair of planning a wedding with no money and too many opinions, the emotions ran both hot and cold.

Truthfully, at times they still do.

But I have to give a big shout out to my wonderful husband, Don, whom I both adore and want to slap upside the head most of the time.

I, on the other hand, am a saint(ahem).

Through Don I learned commitment, tolerance (ahem ahem), integrity and true humility.

The last 32 years have been healing and challenging and I look forward to the next 32 years with him as my best friend, devoted mate, and support system.

I learned how to remain faithful to God despite tribulation and in spite of downturns in our circumstances. I learned to give love and receive love.

Hopefully I've taught him a few things along the way.

So, here's to you, Babe. I dedicate the next terrible kung fu movie I watch to you.

It's true!

Mad At God

There seems to be a theme here.

After interacting with individuals with a wide array of issues I find that many hurting people are mad at God.

I understand how they feel; I'm familiar with the checklist I go through when I'm in a trial:

Hmmm, is it me?

I've prayed

Gone to church (most of the time)

Tithed faithfully(sometimes)

Haven't cussed (much)

Read my Bible (I can still get caught up on my reading the Bible in a year...it's still January)

I haven't said or done half the things I've wanted to say or do.

So if it isn't me it has to be my husband, ex husband, environment, genetics, economy that has caused this great trial.

God certainly can overlook that, see that I'm an innocent bystander here, and get me out of this.

Ok. I'm still waiting.

What's going ON here? Doesn't God care I'm suffering here? Why doesn't He answer my prayers to change my wife, boss, children, circumstances? Isn't that what He's supposed to do?

By this time we wonder if God is playing chess using us for a pawn. We start to withdraw our prayers or the tone of them changes to accusation:

"So God, I KNOW you said you're my heavenly Father and You'd take care of me. Well, I need taking care of but you don't seem to be listening. This isn't cool, God. Where are you?"

Then we get resentful in our attitudes.

"Well. It's me again. I'm still struggling if you care to know. I'm going to stop praying for a while because you evidently aren't listening. I'm going to save my breath for taking care of my own problems since you're obviously off somewhere else."

Does this sound familiar?

This is the stage many folks are in by the time they decide to seek counseling. Not only do the clients feel the exhaustion from trying to survive the trial but also the pain of feeling God is letting them down.

They feel awful (and somewhat self-righteous) when they admit their anger at God.

So here's the thing.

God's not gone. He's not distracted or disinterested in you and your difficulties. If He has numbered the hairs on your head (Luke 12:7) He's committed to you.

And He's not mad at you for feeling this way. True relationship involves the ugly side like warts and bandaids and bodily noises. God created you and is committed to you for the long haul.

But we need to keep moving ahead and not giving up. We must maintain the belief that 'I don't understand it but I accept it.'

Keep your dialogue with God open and say what you think- because He already knows how you feel. Be real. Be mad. Be faithful.

Then be aware of a change in your outlook. Maybe that encouraging phone call from a long lost friend was more than just a phone call. Perhaps that extra time you somehow found to read a book wasn't an accident. I seem to get reminder visits from hummingbirds.

We can't predict how God will answer our prayers or take care of us. I'd love to share with my readers the many times God uncurled my tightly clenched fists to fill my hands with blessing.

Even when I was mad.

In Defense of Naps

I love naps.

There's nothing better than taking time away to recharge batteries (mine must be AAA'a because they run out quickly).

So many factors in our lives pick away at our peace; bills, work, relationships, world events. It's no wonder many of us are stressed out and over stimulated. We get snappy and snippy and wiped out, often showing our irritation to those dearest to us.

I realize many people don't have the luxury of taking a daily nap. I get that.

But I wonder how many mistakes have been made because someone was simply too tired.
How many promotions, or even jobs have been lost,
How many relationships have been shattered
How many life-changing decisions have been made
Simply because someone was tired and missed the opportunity to say
No
Yes
I'm sorry
I'm listening
I love you
Forgive me

So my proposal is this:
I believe we should all determine in our hearts that we are going to take a daily nap.

Not necessarily the 'close your eyes and go to sleep' kind of nap.

But the 'I'm going to break away from this chaos and have 10 minutes of unadulterated quiet' kind of nap.

I hear the protests now from those who think they've outgrown such childishness or they don't have the time what with all they have to do. It's kind of ironic how we faithfully charge in our cell phones or put our computers in sleep mode but we won't take any time to recharge ourselves.

Counselor's offices are filled with exhausted people who can't think anymore. Who feel empty and lost and lonely because they're so tired.

The tiredness led them to make mistakes. Misunderstandings. Missteps.

Things they would never had done if they'd had a break from it all.

All for the lack of a nap.

Do you want to join them in their weariness (or are you already there) ?

Or are you like me, claiming the right to have a few minutes to yourself daily to have enough energy when the stresses build up?

Start right now. Determine that you're going to detach yourself each day from the hurry of life. That time (I recommend 15 minutes minimum) is to be spent alone and in quiet. If you can't take a physical nap at least take a mental one.

I hate for you to look back on your life and see mistakes that could have been avoided, words that wouldn't have been said, or steps that wouldn't have been taken
If you'd only had a nap.

Acceptance and Happiness

Recently I've had the chance to meet several people from different cultures and countries. It's been really cool to get to know other folks and hear about their experiences and outlook on life.

What struck me was not how different we were but rather, how similar.

Everyone had the desire to move ahead in life and find ways to enhance that experience.

Simply stated, everyone wants to be happy.

Whether from North America, Africa. Japan or Switzerland, each one of us has issues and stresses and goals. We all need to learn ways to overcome our faults and reach out in an attempt to understand those who are dearest to us.

In my own life, I've noticed a big difference between approving of someone's behavior and accepting it.
When I was younger I was very rigid about right and wrong; I couldn't or wouldn't accept anyone whose beliefs or lifestyle was different from my own. I believed that anyone who didn't agree with me was being willfully wrong and deserved to be judged or even ridiculed.

I don't feel that way now.

Over time, I"ve seen many good-hearted well-meaning folks whom I've really come to admire despite our differences. And I've tried to imagine the situation from their perspective.

Now THAT'S and eye-opener!

I realize now that to accept someone as they are is not a compromise of my own beliefs. Just like I don't expect anyone to fully approve of my personal choices I sure am glad when someone reaches out to me and loves me anyway.

I think that's what we're supposed to do.

So as I interact with individuals from other parts of the world or just down the street, I desire to respect them and expect them to do the same for me.

That's what can lead to happiness.

Contentment

Aren't people funny? We always seem to want what we don't have. When I was a kid I wanted to have dark hair and eyes and my friends wanted to be blue-eyed blondes. No matter what I had, what the other guy had looked better.

Even today I find that my clients fall into two categories:

Those who are trying to get into a relationship and those who are trying to get out.

We seem to think we're supposed to strive for more, better, best. Whatever we have and are isn't good enough to be satisfied.

A friend of mine is house hunting; recently we had a good laugh because most of the houses she liked were listed as 'starter homes.' We agreed that society assumes we're supposed to keep pushing and wanting something different. To be content is to be complacent.

Since I've been thinking about New Years resolutions lately I've noticed how inconsistent our goals are. There are people who want to do less or do more, purge or attain. Some folks want to change jobs or do a better job where they are. Most frequent responses were those wanting to be healthier (we used to call it 'lose weight.')

The fact is, we must learn to be content. Satisfied. At ease with who we've been created to be.

We need the ability to sit back and process what makes us who we are.

It's okay to do that, you know.

I was taught that it was bragging to think about myself positively. I learned the humility lesson early on. Evidently I was supposed to like myself fine but want to work hard to change myself completely!

Now I find an interest in developing myself and the talents I already have. I've shared some of those talents in previous blogs (and thanks to all of you readers who want to see me hula).

In my quest to refine my abilities I must accept that I have abilities in the first place.

This thought may resonate with you. (Not necessarily the hula part!) Spend some time listing your assets. Then think about which of those assets deserve more investment. What talent(s)

do you want to develop more fully?

Be content with what you have and enjoy the process in the meantime.

p.s. Props to my very talented friend C.H. who gave me an awesome sample of barbecued ribs. He is thinking about opening some sort of restaurant or catering business with his special recipe.

Seriously, I loved them and would go out of my way to get more. I'll keep you updated.

New Years Resolution Finale

I hope you've been following along as I've discussed New Years resolutions.

Of course, I want to encourage you to make positive life decisions for 2011 and beyond.
But sometimes it helps more to make negative choices. Believe me, I know that sounds weird but I can explain:
I will not walk on a major highway during rush hour because I don't want to get hit by a car.
I will not steal stuff from the store because I don't want to get arrested.
I will not swim with sharks because I don't want them to get indigestion.

I asked my hubby recently if he thought people accept Christ as their Savior because they
a) want to go to heaven
or
b) don't want to go to hell.

If you think it engendered deep theological debate you're wrong.
He didn't say anything.
I thought he didn't hear me or he was ignoring me again. Or his brain was deeply rooted in that NOTHING box we hear men have.
Let's get back to the point.
I finally shook him (I know he wasn't sleeping because he was driving). He shrugged and said,
"Who cares why as long as they do it?"
Deep thoughts...who knew?

Which brings me to the negative slant I've placed on my New Years resolutions this year. There are so many things I know I should be doing I get overwhelmed, sit down and eat chocolate.
Why even try when you know you're going to fail immediately? Thinking of what I won't do, however, gives me more to work with.
So along with my previous posts of resolutions I'd like to add one last one:

I will not make excuses

This falls in the realm of 'I can't_______ because it's too cold, too hot,too late, too early, too expensive, too hard, too frustrating, too boring, too challenging or too easy..."

You know what I'm talking about. Admit it.

Every time we're presented with something we just know we're supposed to do we come up with a myriad of excuses why we can't (won't) do it.

Here's another example:

"I'd have ________ but my husband boyfriend sister dog alarm clock car friend running and/or prayer partner didn't call text email fb remind tweet drive ring my doorbell to wake me up."

Suddenly nothing is your responsibility and it's all someone elses' fault.

So I'm over it. I'm over lying to myself and everyone whose life I influence when I make excuses for blowing it.
The truth throws people off balance but I'm willing to risk it. Not only will I resolve to not make excuses, I'm going to admit the truth:
I wanted to stay home
I don't want to go shopping
I'm lazy today and don't want to exercise
I want to eat this junk
I want to do something else.

Facing that truth will force me to choose my behaviors wisely. I won't make rash promises I will surely break the first chance I get. I refuse to use other nouns (people, places, or things) as scapegoats.
If I did it, said it,forgot it or refused to do it, I will admit it.

This concludes my New Years resolutions. I hope they make you think about your own resolutions. Let' s make 2011 a year of positive growth and maturity, even if we have to be negative to do it.