Making Assumptions

Well, Folks. Today was an interesting day.

When you consider the fact that it was my day off (read: day of REST) I sure overdid it. I found myself rushing around from appointment to appointment all day long.

And I don't regret a thing.

It's funny how caught up we get when we anticipate a situation. I find myself assuming someone is going to behave/react in a certain way and prepare for (dread) it.

Then when everything unfolds I'm often surprised and delighted by the result.

The stressors I expect didn't materialize

My fears are unrealized

My concern is unfounded.

After I process the experience I want to slap my forehead because I did what I warn my clients against:

I made assumptions.

I spent time today with several friends who I feared would sap my emotional strength and leave me depleted for the rest of the week.

Instead I felt refreshed as I interacted honestly with people I care about. And who care about me (I think).

It was cool.

So I'd like to offer the suggestion that making assumptions is likely to be a waste of time and energy. We tend to suffer proactively for things that may not happen at all.

So don't borrow trouble. Keep your ears, eyes, and heart open to what might actually happen.

Be willing to experience the experience as it unfolds.

Then your assumptions won't make a fool of you.

Soul Strength

These last few weeks have left me exhausted. Not so much physically; if you could see me at this moment I look downright serene!

But from the neck up and behind my furrowed brow there's a veritable tornado swirling around me as I review these last few days.

I have to do this almost every weekend as I release the stresses and frustration and allow the joys and blessings to seep back in.

It's a real lifesaver for me.

God uses the storms and pressures to strengthen me in ways I could never imagine. I also would never willingly choose some of these experiences.

Yet when I have my 'review weekends' I'm brought to one major conclusion:
God always provides a strength of soul to endure our trials.

How many times have you had an emergency, stress, or major conflict and you handled it?
Somehow, someway, you automatically endured, aided, soothed, cared for someone else.
No thoughts of yourself (at least not too many) and you were only in the moment to do what you had to do.

Then afterward when you can really process the experience, you realize you did...fine. You managed, coped, participated in a meaningful way.

That's soul strength.

Soul strength is a confirmation that you have become stronger than you ever thought you could.

Or that was ever possible for you.

Soul strength says that what God has said all along about Him being your strength and shield applied to you too. Not just the 'other guy' but YOU.

So rest along with me, my friends. Process this last week and acknowledge the times when you handled something well. Recharge, renew, and go into next week knowing that whatever you encounter God will give you the soul strength to handle it.

A Matter Of Semantics

'I don't mind' vs. 'I don't care.'

Simply stated, what you say may not be what I hear.

I'm often surprised by how befuddled some people are when they get into conflict with their spouses. It's usually men, but women are not immune to feeling shocked when their seemingly innocent comment gets blown out of proportion. Then an argument ensues and the 'offender' feels misunderstood.

So let me clear a few things up.

It's NOT okay to say the phrase 'I don't care' when your spouse/significant other asks you:
what you think
where you two should go
what should be worn
or when asked your deepest opinion about something heartfelt.

For example, say your dearie has made big decisions that involve you in some way.
Lots of consideration has gone into it. Choices have been made. Money has been spent.
All that's left is to reveal the decision to you and for you to offer encouragement and affirmation.

You are speechless. It's a cool thing, what's been decided. You really do appreciate it but you don't know how to express yourself.

Sweetie nervously asks you if there's a problem. Don't you like the decision? Was it wrong or right? Was there a mistake?
"I don't care."

I know what you're really trying to say is that it's great, awesome, unbelievable. You want to express your joy and disbelief. You want to appear willing but then you hear yourself say "I don't care."

Here comes the battle.

Darling doesn't hear "I don't care" as "this is wonderful and I'm glad you thought of it and I'm thrilled." Darling hears "I don't care" as "It doesn't matter what you do or say I'm unaffected and unimpressed. "

Perhaps the best suggestion I can offer is to replace "I don't care" with "I don't mind."

They mean different things, don't you think?

When I hear "I don't mind" I don't feel put down and dismissed. While the substitution isn't perfect it doesn't engender as much aggravation and stress. It's not inflammatory, nor does it tend to be interpreted as a total shut down.

As I've said in previous blogs, we have to be careful what we say. We need to filter ourselves and be open to possible misunderstandings. Be willing to reformat how you communicate with those who mean the most to you.

Choose your words carefully; if not, next time your Cutie won't care if you mind or not.

New Personal Goals

I used to have these wild fantasy's that someday I'd be rich and famous.

Now my biggest goal is to not be featured in a 'Seen at Wal-Mart' photo email.

Funny Thing About Getting Old

I've made some interesting observations about what it's like to get old(er).

It ain't all that bad, really.

Who would have ever imagined living to be eligible for senior citizen discounts without showing your ID? I'm at the age where the only time I get carded is when some muscle-bound security guy at a music venue wants to make me feel good about myself; either that or he doesn't want me to feel left out being the only person there NOT being carded!

At any rate, getting on in years isn't as negative as one might think. I don't rush out to buy the newest fashion trends since odds are I already have something like it in my closet from decades ago. Admittedly, shopping isn't as fun as it once was because I often feel like I've seen all this stuff before (when I could fit into it). Daughter Kari once asked me why I didn't keep some of the clothes I wore in the '70's. I told her, "Honey, it was ugly then and it's ugly NOW."

Even my career as a counselor benefits because with age comes wisdom. Since I'm over 40 (just barely), married and have adult children I'm seen as more credible. Maybe I should build a cabin on a mountaintop for people to seek me for all my sage advice (I'd better practice sitting cross-legged).

What makes growing older the most fun is this:

My friends are growing old along with me.

We can laugh together and understand what we're talking about. We can hassle the cute waiters at restaurants without fear of seeming creepy. We can make numerous trips to the bathroom and no one bats an eye.

Yes, aging has its downside but we won't worry about that today. When the gloomies get us we know we can blame it on hormones and hot flashes. We can call a do-over when we've said or done the wrong thing.

So getting older isn't all that bad. It's made me appreciate my parents and those in my life who've been here before. What they've said and done makes a bit more sense now.

I'm going to sign off now. I'm heading to the mall to snag some senior citizen discounts. I hear they've got a great deal going on support hose and Depends.

Dreams Become Reality

I hope not.

If that's true then my reality will soon involve returning to my old college and trying to find the class I've somehow been skipping for 30 years. I'll have to be the star in a play I don't know the lines to. I will search in vain for a pair of culottes (don't ask) to wear to an important church meeting.
More currently, if my dreams become my reality I'll be able to fly without assistance, will be sleeping in the hallway in a fancy resort and will drive a semi truck from the back seat.

I worry sometimes when I recall my dreams when I awaken. What on earth must be going on in my mind before I go to bed? In my dreams I'm always late, unprepared, lost, or confused.

The truth is, our dreams very seldom predict anything about our reality. Since our brains don't stop functioning while we sleep, the events and meanings of the day often continue to course through our brain waves. What we see as frightening often means transition; reliving memories serves to enable us to move on. Suffocation or trying to squeeze through a tight space means the cat is sleeping on your face.

Sometimes it's a relief to wake up and realize it's all been a dream. Those are the dreams I find myself thinking of throughout the day until I admit I'm grateful that none of the terrible things that happened are true: my dear ones are still alive, I haven't lost the dog, and I don't have to move out of the house I've lived in for 20 years.

My favorite dreams involve feeling loved and blessed; I'm relating to people I love and respect. There's always yummy food and lots of it. I'm somehow given permission to enjoy my life and bask in the relationships with which I've been blessed.

Oh, yeah. And I'm wearing pants.

To Those Who Grieve

Mere words can't describe how it must feel to lose someone dear to you. And mere words can't convey our sympathy and sorrow at your loss.

At times like this it's fear of saying or doing the wrong thing that keeps most of us silent; we don't know how to fix it. We can't take your pain away, nor can we fully understand the extent of how you must hurt.

Please know that we don't think it's fair either. It doesn't fit our grand scheme of life that someone who is a 'good guy' should be taken while others who are 'not so good' are left behind.

So forgive us if we say the wrong thing to you right now, or worse yet, don't say anything at all.

For me, it's because I don't want to disrespect your trauma. I don't want to overwhelm you with trite comments or anger you by telling you this event is God's Will.

No one really knows why this was allowed to happen.

So please know that you and your family are in our prayers. We will limp alongside you as you struggle to make sense of it all.

Let your friends and family grieve with you.

That's all we can do right now.

Feedback and Suggestions

I'm really intrigued by how this blog works.
Apparently if I write something over here in St. Louis, anyone in the world with a computer can access it.
How cool!
So far I've had readers from Russia. Brazil, Malaysia, Canada, and far away states here in America. I hope my thoughts and suggestions are useful but I may never know.
That's why I'm asking for suggestions.
What topics are important to you? Where am I hitting the mark and what isn't helping?
I'm speaking from my heart each time I blog, praying that someone will be blessed or motivated by what I write. I do care about my readers, even the ones I'll never meet.
So help me out here, gang.
While I continue writing what I feel God has given me, feel free to let me know how I can help you. Let me know if I'm hitting the target once in a while.
Thanks for reading and I look forward to hearing from you.

Purpose of Pain

I am not a masochist.
The idea of purposely hurting myself seems ridiculous;I don't even pluck my eyebrows due to the discomfort.

However, that's not to say I don't recognize when pain is necessary:

I go to the doctor for injections so I can feel better
I go to the dentist for a filling so I am healthier and improve my appearance
I move away from a bad relationship with no future
I change jobs or location to invest in a new and better life.

Over the years I've heard many complaints about how upset/angry people are that there is pain in their lives. I feel for them, I really do. I've experienced enough sleepless nights trying to figure it out, come up with an explanation, and even negotiate with God in an effort to escape pain myself.
I've come to this conclusion: Very few of us would willingly make changes, move ahead, take care of ourselves, surrender our will if we had our say in the matter. We just wouldn't. No one I know suffers willingly.
But once the pain has been experienced and it's all behind us, we admit it somehow helped us:
Our tooth no longer hurts
The fever is broken
I'm attracting healthier people into my life
The new job/location is so ME.

The next time (or maybe right now) you're facing pain consider this:
It's a passageway to get you over THERE.
There is a light and a purpose. A benefit you don't see yet.
But you will, I promise.

Spring is Coming!

Although Dave Murray, our local weatherman, says St. Louis will experience several 'false Springs' this year I am encouraged.

Yes, there are signs of Spring everywhere, from the pre-teens walking around sleeveless (oh, to be young again) to the clogged gutters on my house.

But I realize it's all temporary; we're not out of the woods as far as freezing rain and still more snow. That's when we wonder if the darkness will ever end. Will it ever be warm again?

This all too brief sunlit day is giving me enough hope to tough it out.

It's a reminder that soon, soon, soon, we'll have light, warmth and growth.

We can hang in there. We have hope and encouragement.

Let's bring these thoughts back to our everyday experiences:

When it feels dark and cold and dead we can be strong (or stubborn) enough to hang tight until the Spring comes. And it will come.

Soon.