New Years Resolution Continued

This isn't a threat or a dare but I wonder how many new resolutions I could come up with throughout the year.

Resolutions are like goals but seem be more important than that. I know I know, most of us don't even make resolutions anymore. We get tired of failure.

Perhaps we define goals as 'wishes,' while resolutions seem more concrete. Wishes are dream-like, I think. Rarely do we believe our wishes will come true.

I used to wish that I could be happy and be appreciated for my natural abilities.

I desired to be seen as an asset in most situations. I wanted to be admired as a leader, whether it be teaching VBS, singing in a trio or duet in choir, or chosen to be in the school play.

So here's the weird part:

Each time I'd get asked to do those things you know what I'd do?

Turn it down.

I'd say, "Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm not smart enough, talented enough, organized enough..."

Then when someone else would be chosen or volunteer for the job I would kick myself.

"What is WRONG with you? You dummy! You know you wanted to do it, you have the time and the ability. WHY did you refuse?"

Of late I've been able to accept assignments more graciously. There's still a struggle as my natural reflex is to be irritatingly humble.

So here's my next resolution:

I will not downplay my abilities

I will be the first to admit that there are many things I can't do: I can't play a musical instrument, I can't ride a skateboard, I can't even touch my toes all that well! Numbers fog my brain and memorization leaves me in a cold sweat.

Each of us has a list of abilities we acknowledge we just don't have.

Yet...not one of us is entirely hopeless. In fact, as a demonstration of this resolution I will name a few of my own talents.

As I do I want you to think of your own.

I can:

sew

knit

groom dogs (yup)

hula

decorate

spell

make caramels

wiggle my ears

encourage others

scrapbook

tap dance

drive a stick shift

ad lib

paint

drywall

write

teach

cross stitch

can tomatoes

How did you do? I bet we possess way more abilities than we can even list if we gave ourselves a little time to think.

So here's the challenge:

Determine that you will NOT automatically refuse any task, invitation, or leadership role for fear you will look arrogant if you accept it. Practice a safe response such as, "Let me think about it and I'll let you know." And then really think about it...and really let them know.

Refuse to buckle under old habits of false humility; stand there calmly and listen. Unless someone is inviting you to do something unethical or immoral you have every right to believe you can accomplish it.

As you gain the assurance that you are fulfilling your abilities it will get easier. Really. Who knows what else you will discover you can do?

Remember that you don't have to accept everything that get's offered to you. Busyness will distract you and only lead to new resolutions for 2012.

Will you join me in this resolution? We may be surprised by the opportunities that open up once we determine to not downplay our abilities.

New Years Resolution Part Two

I have challenged myself to step up to my obstacles in 2011. We have all been taught to expect the unexpected (if the unexpected is to be expected won't that make the unexpected expected?).

Anyway, I am going to add another resolution to my list:

I will not downplay my neediness

The word 'neediness' takes a bum rap. It conjures up visions of someone clinging relentlessly onto someone or something and implies weakness. It is unwelcome and unattractive to us.

Yet I fear that when I display utter competence in all things I'm misleading people. While I don't want to appear weak and drooling to folks (I only drool in the privacy of my own home...) thus earning lack of respect, I don't want those dear to me to feel unimportant or distant.

Because the people in my life are important. They hold me up when I'm discouraged and hold me down when I get frantic. Oh, what wisdom it takes on their part to determine the difference!

In freely showing my neediness I am demonstrating that I choose to be vulnerable. I want to affirm them when they sense something is wrong and reach out to me to help.

Tell me if you've heard this one before:

Friend: "Are you okay? Is something wrong?"

You: "Yes, sure (sniff sniff rub nose on sleeve). I'm fine."

Friend: "No, really. Is there anything I can do to help?"

You: "No, I'm just fine (blot eyes with tissue). It's all good."

I've had the above conversations more times than I care to admit. Each time I thought I was being a brave little soldier. I was pulling myself up by my bootstraps, I was getting over it, moving on, developing a thick skin.

What I didn't realize each time was that my loved one was correctly tuning in to my heart and reaching out to help me emotionally.

And I slapped their hand aside.

Then, alone in my car, dorm room, apartment, stall in women's bathroom I would bewail the fact that no one ever cared for me.

Uhh...what?

So in 2011 I will not downplay my neediness. When I feel empty and alone I will reach out to a friend and/or loved one. I will share my heart. I will not deny someone their desire to help and bless me. I will be truthful when someone genuinely wants to know if I'm okay when I'm really falling apart.

Public drooling is allowed but I will attempt to be discreet.

New Years Resolution Part One

When you get to be my age (black and white tv,3 channels) there are more examples of resolutions that didn't get very far.

There were the well-meaning promises to be nice, to be helpful to my mother, and to keep my room clean that didn't make it past the first week or so.

Then came the vows to do better in school, to be popular, to perfect a hobby, and to quit being sassy. Again, those vows went kaput.

I moved on to more meaningful, deeply spiritual promises. I would read the Bible faithfully, I would become a prayer warrior, I would evangelize the world. That one died when I lost my Bible and finally found it three months later under a cushion in our living room.

Next came the self-improvement resolutions: no candy, no soda, no junk food, more good food, more exercise, more make-up, more beauty regimens. This one probably took up more of my mental energy as I always renewed my promises but always failed to meet my own standards.

For many years thereafter I gave up resolutions. I self-righteously believed that if I was supposed to be doing something good I shouldn't have to have a special Day to begin doing it.

What a cop out.

So here's what I've been thinking lately: I'm really good at knowing what I'm supposed to do but not doing it. It'sbeen an excuse for me to do nothing; I mean, where do you begin with a list that long?
I'm convinced that most of us are aware of what we SHOULDN'T do in our lives. We know we shouldn't stick our tongues out at people, shouldn't skip in line, shouldn't interrupt. Self-control seems to be the best method for personal growth.

So here goes:

I resolve that I will not shirk my responsibilities.

By that I mean when I become aware of a task that needs to be done I will not pretend I don't see it. There is the obvious meaning of chores and laundry and picking up stuff.

But there's also the habit I have of overlooking my value as a child of God. Of not stepping up and accepting my responsibility of being loved.
So many times I find myself avoiding a blessing because I'm convinced it was meant for someone else. I joke my way out of it or use diversion instead of basking in it.

There are requirements involved with this resolution. The main one is to receive and enjoy that love. Another one is to not freak out when faced with such an honor. Don't downplay it.
It is what it is.

I also resolve to not avoid my relationships with other people for fear they aren't being equally blessed.
I need to remind myself that relationships are a great way to learn about ourselves, good or bad. Do I refresh my friends? Do they refresh me? Am I able to tell them the truth and can I hear it from them?
The same goes with family members. We will not always get along. But when I shirk my responsibilities I am making a statement with my behavior that they will never change. I categorize them and take away our future together.

Enough said. I have more resolutions to share with you in future blogs. But I want to challenge you to think about your own 'non-resolutions' this year.

What won't YOU do?


(Don't forget to pass this blog along to your friends and family. Who knows what might be the right word at the right time?)

Enjoying the Holidays

The holiday food is eaten and the packages are unwrapped; your blood pressure is leveling off and the mayhem has ceased.

Now what?

Think back on what has relentlessly filled your mind these last few days/weeks/months.

Lists and more lists, tasks and more tasks, obligations and more obligations.

It's exhausting to be so jolly for so long.

At some point we see that there is no more to do and all that's left is allowing ourselves to enjoy what we've done.

I think it's hard to do.

I know I spend so much time deciding and guiding the festivities for everyone I'm wiped out and miss most of the fun because my mind is still racing:

Is their reaction honest?

Did I get the right gift for them?

Did I remember everything?

Am I scarring them for life because I forgot something?

Maybe it's just me but I noticed something odd in many Christmas movies:

They seem to have time to do everything, they remember details and they enjoy the process.

Plus people are happy (glowing, even) with receiving one gift.

It's almost irritating.

I find I'm so distracted by the business end of the holiday I forget the fun end.

So I'm trying to do it different this year and simply enjoy myself.

We've had a beautiful fluffy snowfall this year and it's breathtaking. It's all so...perfect.

It reminds me that we can't control every aspect of our lives. That we'd have done okay without the snow feature but having it somehow makes it all even more delightful.

It also reminds me that God takes care of the big stuff and even the small details. Like snow.

My challenge now is to behave how I believe; God is in charge so I'm free to relax.

Enjoy

Appreciate

Bless

Be blessed

Rest in the assurance that this Christmas is all about relationship(s). Not only relationships with our dear ones, but a relationship with our Dear One.

So it's time, my friends, to surrender the planning and working mode your brain has been in. You've been pushing and pulling the sled for a long time; now it's time to jump on it yourself and go for a wonderful ride.

WHHEEEEEEEEEE!

Learning to Be Satisfied

So how's everyone doing? I hope you are pacing yourselves and enjoying the process of Christmas.

I think it's interesting to watch people shop at the last minute. After a while they're frantically throwing just about anything into their cart for a stocking stuffer. Random comments such as, "I know Loretta likes...towels. Yeah, towels. So I bet she'd like this orange one on sale from Halloween." Moms and Dads are threatening their exhausted kids that Santa won't visit them if they don't behave.

People are losing their perspective as panic sets in.

I'm aware of an anxiety that's rising within me; I'm conflicted and confused but the reason may not be what you think. (Those of you who know me are thinking, "What? She's ALWAYS confused!").

Hear me out.

I'm struggling with the realization I have to learn to be satisfied.

Not satisfaction with what I want or may receive as a gift. Like most of us I have plenty and then some.

My discomfort comes from the fact that I have to be satisfied with the amount of gifts I GIVE to the family members and other folks I love.

Isn't it true? How do we express how we truly feel about our loved ones? I know for myself, mere words can't express the depth of love and appreciation I feel for the people in my life.

The only way we know of is to give gifts. Lots of gifts. Too many gifts. The bigger the better.

But then even after the giving and the thank you's we follow up with,

"Did you really like it? Huh? Huh? Did you? You're not just saying that, are you?"

So here's where the challenge is:

Accept that you can't give someone a gift equal to their personal value. You just can't. I know I've tried and maxed out credit cards in the past in my effort to 'get it right this year.'

Instead, determine that you're going to show your dear ones all year long how you feel about them. Don't save up all the good stuff till the end of the year, dump it in their laps and expect them to read your mind and your heart.

You will always be unhappy the next time you see that item laying unused in their room/house. You will equate your value with how they treat your gift.

So don't use Christmas items as a symbol for who you are and what you mean to your loved ones. Purchase a simple gift you know they will enjoy and let it go. It's a tough bit of advice I'm having to heed myself.

So as I've been saying all along:

Take a deep breath, repeat indefinitely.

Relax and decide that you're going to be satisfied.

Lessons Learned From a Bad Mood

So here I am at the end of a very long day and I have a confession to make:

I didn't want to go to work today.

Oh come on, don't act so surprised. I'm sure you've felt like calling in sick lots of times.
The problem is I'm my own boss.

I tried to convince myself I was coming down with something terribly contagious and for the good of mankind I should stay home.
Maybe I was going to have car trouble. Or maybe the weather was dangerous to drive in.
Or
Or
Or nothing. I had no excuse for staying home except I just wanted a do-over for the day.

Have you ever been so cranky you just want to avoid everyone? I have and it only feels so good to feel so bad for so long. Eventually you have to get out of your fuzzy jammies and brave the world in spite of yourself.

I hate that part when I have a good grump going on.

So today I forced myself to be a grownup and went to work despite my druthers.
And you know what?

Today I got to talk to someone who felt really scared about life. I also got to meet a person who just needs some encouragement. And someone else who was having family trouble and needed to vent. Another client had some transitions coming and needed to think out loud.

I love that stuff! By the end of the evening I felt downright reinvigorated. Great even.

Something about reaching out to encourage others encourages me. It helps me remember that life isn't all about me. To switch my focus from me, mine, to you, yours reminds me that God created us to help each other out.

Maybe you can't help anyone out this year financially. Not many of us can. But each one of us can give a part of ourselves to someone else. It could be your time to help someone put up Christmas lights. You could help someone wrap gifts or share extra Christmas cookies (hint!).
Just the willingness to listen to someone means everything.

So I did end up going to work but it didn't seem like work once I got there.

And I think the person who was helped the most was me.

Time For a Break

I know it's the last weekend before the Christmas holiday crunch begins. Already I'm having trouble finding a parking spot and having to play 'chicken' with grocery carts at Wal-Mart. I think if I earned a nickle for every time I heard Andy Williams sing "It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year" somewhere I could retire a wealthy woman indeed.

Isn't it going too far when the countdown until Christmas is a permanent fixture on your television screen? The other day I thought I was watching channel 10 for about an hour before I realized I wasn't: They were kindly reminding me there were 10 days before the Big Day.

Pressure, pressure, pressure.

We're in the final lap, gang.

Now's the time to decide what great plans get tossed and what will really happen. My efforts to bake a bizillion different types of Christmas cookies to pass around to friends and family has already taken a major hit; now I'm wondering if Oreos will do.

So here's where we have to make peace with our expectations:
Sit down,
Have a hot cuppa,
Breathe (repeat this last step indefinitely).

It's vital that you think about your priorities before you join the bustling crowd singing around the cash registers. Consider the folks you really treasure and what they'd really appreciate from you.

I've learned that several of my friends know they have enough possessions but really want to spend friend time over a Happy Meal. Some other friends would love some cards with pre-stamped envelopes; all they have to do is drop a quick note to someone who loves to receive a personal word.
Still others loooove homemade soups and cookies and really don't care at all about more knicknacks.

I have a friend who took an embarassing photo of me and had it made into photo Christmas cards and gave them to me (I sure hope I have all the copies).

One year I took little bits of yarn and placed it in a small basket. When my friend opened it I explained it was a weekly supply of string bikinis to use in her new swimming pool.

The point is, we need to take a break and simplify. Respect the meaning of the holiday and determine you're going to do less and enjoy more.

Relaxing takes work.

But in taking a break you're refreshed and just may find the need for a little redirection.
Let everyone else get frenzied and flustered. Then when they see you smiling through it all they'll either think you're medicated or have found the solution to holiday stress.

Either way they'll want some too.

p.s. Don't forget to keep up with my blogs and spread the news about my book. We need to provide as much encouragement as possible this time of year.

Depression and Christmas

The Christmas season has become all about us. And it's worsened when we struggle with depression. You'd think we'd outgrow the holiday blues.
Trying to make sense of our negative emotions during the holiday season is a challenge . We don't always succeed in shaking off the suspicion we missed the memo that explained what all the hooplah is about.
I think it has a lot to do with Christmas movies(see prior blog) and marketing ploys. Everything is spectacular and expensive, relationships are safe and joyous, and everyone has time to do everything. We think if we don't replicate that perfection we've blown it.
We are failures.
We can't do anything right.
It wasn't the right gift.
I forgot to bake cookies.
I forgot a tradition.
Plus I forgot to put up a stocking for cousin Freda's pet ferret.

The older we get the less magical the season is for us. Rather than being the receiver of it all we've become the giver. We know too much and have seen too much to partake of the beauty of the season; all we see are the lights that burned out and the stuff we still have to do.

It's no wonder mental issues spike at holiday times.

I think,too, we are reminded of what we don't have:

Parents are no longer with us (mine would probably be llama trekking somewhere but you know what I mean), siblings don't get along, blended families aren't blending, everyone else is going everywhere else and we have to fend for ourselves.

I've heard people say they aren't celebrating this year, they aren't decorating, they aren't traveling anywhere, they're just going to stay home and wait it out. Bah Humbug.

I say, if you can do it, go for it.

Most of us, however, feel compelled to 'try again.' Maybe THIS Christmas will be better, maybe THIS year we'll get dear daughter the present she's always wanted. Maybe we'll find that ferret stocking at Petsmart.

And then we'll feel better, maybe.

Let's remember how important it is to regain our perspective of the season. What is the proper focus during this time? Is it the stuff and the food? Is it stuffing ourselves with food?
Is it in fulfilling everyone else's fantasy of Christmas?

I used to get so depressed at Christmas I would cry at the mall while listening to good old Bing Crosby singing carols. The brighter the holiday colors the duller my mood. I didn't know what was causing it but I for sure knew it wasn't what my friends were experiencing.

So here's the thing: Depression happens. Old memories rise to the surface and float in front of our eyes. We get tempted to hide under our nice, warm snuggies until Spring.

The problem with depression is that everyone around us reminds us of our blessings, our health, and basically tell us we don't have the right to feel like we do.

And I say, we DO have a right to feel the we do. But is it worthwhile? Does it make coping any easier or the Christmas tasks any easier to accomplish? I say no.

What DOES help is to regain our focus on what Christmas is really celebrating.

Not the stuff or the stuffing.
Not the gifts or the giver.
Not the songs or the singers.

Our attention must rest on WHO we are applauding. The praise and honor due to Him only.
Our awe that Jesus came to earth in human form ,the most wonderful of all feats of love.

When you find yourself feeling particularly Grinch-like in the next few weeks take a few moments to reflect. Refuse to roll in the refuse of defeat, reminding yourself of what you didn't, don't, or will never have.

Instead, turn your attention to the things you do have: a Savior who really did come to earth, and Who continues to fulfill all His promises to you. God does give the best gifts, you know. Thinking on Him and the whole meaning of Christmas will lift your heart and emotions a bit at a time.

I promise.

Grief During the Holidays

Loss is difficult at any time of the year. There are adjustments to be made in our daily lives, and we experience what can only be described as a hole in our emotional ozone.

Not only is there the physical death of the loved one but the death of hope as well; hope that the relationship might get better, that the person may finally say what we think we need to hear. We must also acknowledge that the deposits (and withdrawals) in the memory bank representing that person have ceased.

We have built so much sentimentality into our holidays. That's why we want everything to be special. It's supposed to exemplify all that is good and right in our world. When our world shifts it feels awful.

When I mention sentimentality, I have to list almost every holiday movie, tv show. made-for-tv-movie that's ever existed.

My dear husband Don loooooves holiday movies. I daresay there isn't a single smarmy Christmas movie this dude hasn't seen and loved. Last year I jokingly gave him several Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen VHS Christmas movies as his gift. He watched every one of them and loved them all.

But Don's love for Christmas movies is a sterling example of the idealism we embrace during this season. The idealism that everything has to be a certain pre-set way and anything different ruins everything we hold sacred.

That's what makes us miss someone who is no longer there to retain their place in our traditions.

I know how I felt the first holiday afterI lost my Mom. Although things weren't perfect between us there was still an honored place for her during the holidays. When she was no longer there I felt weird. My loss felt greater when I couldn't make any more memories.

How about you? Have you felt laden with grief over someone no longer able to share your holidays? If so, I understand.

Being sentimental can be good. It's a way of processing thoughts and opinions, memories and dreams. Sentimentality creates within us an appreciation for the way things used to be.

I hope people miss me when I'm gone, don't you? I'd hate to think I made such a small impression in this world that there is no need to stop and reminisce. No desire to share funny and sad stories about my time on earth. That's true of everyone; to grieve over loss is important. It's a way to honor the place that person held in our heart.

So if you're feeling bereaved right now, remember that it's a symbol of respect for the one who is gone. Allow yourself to remember that person and give your heart the time it needs to process the effect he or she had your life.

So for this year, use your imagination to find a way to commemorate your departed loved one. Purchase a special ornament for the tree, serve their favorite dessert, use the hand towels or bath salts they gave you for a gift in prior years. Talk about them fondly.


But don't forget the folks who are still here. Don't be so lost in your loss you ignore those you still have in your life. Use this experience to create new memories and traditions that will not only honor the past but instill hope for the future.

Being an Agent of Change

Conflict is never easy. My Wordfinder dictionary describes conflict as:
'a state of opposition or hostilities, a fight or struggle, the opposition of incompatable needs in a person.'

A state of opposition. Let's discuss this concept.

When someone or something brings about conflict in our lives, we feel victimized. It feels as if we are being pecked to death by a herd of hens (ever heard of hens? Sure you have...).

It's hard to accept conflict when we're on the receiving end of it; when we have to deal with the consequences of the situation whether we deserved it or not. We are left scrambling to sort out how to regain what was normal in our lives and it's difficult.

While it's hard to adapt to difficulties we didn't create, I think it's even more painful to be the person who caused the trouble in the first place:

The boss who had to give the young single mom a pink slip due to downsizing,
The doctor revealing negative test results,
The person whose friend gets injured or even killed while helping change a blown tire on the side of the road,
The apartment-sitter who accidently set off the smoke alarm in a four story retirement building (yes, that was me).

Each of these examples, to name a very few, demonstrate the burden being carried by individuals who find themselves the agent of change in someone else's life. It ain't pretty.

I've had long chats with people who are worried about the ramifications of downsizing their department at work, of evicting their adult children from their home, of taking back a car or cell phone because it it was being mismanaged.

After counseling for a long time I have to suggest this possibility:

I believe in the possibility that we go through conflict/bad times so we change the path we're on. I believe that many of us stay in jobs too long, at home too long, in bad dating relationships too long simply because it's what we're used to. It gets comfortable to have a predictable life.

But that's not what our lives are meant to be.

We are to be agents of change not only in our own lives, but in the lives of others.

Someone's gotta do it.

For example, several years ago, I met a young woman who'd come to me due to shame over having received a speeding ticket. She was devastated. Her reaction to being pulled over genuinely concerned the police officer who'd clocked her going well over the speed limit.
This reaction was so severe her husband insisted she seek counseling.

Here comes the interesting part.

During the course of our sessions, it was suggested she go to her primary care doctor to discuss possible medications to help her during this time.
It was while the doctor was performing tests on this woman that it was discovered she had the early stages of cancer. She was to have surgery to remove the cancerous cells but they felt they'd caught it early.

What sticks with me in this situation is this: If she hadn't been pulled over, she wouldn't have freaked out, wouldn't have seen a counselor, wouldn't have gone to the doctor, wouldn't have found the cancerous cells and been treated.

I wonder where she'd be right now.

I wonder how the police officer felt pulling over such a distraught woman.

I wonder how her husband felt insisting she get out of her comfort zone and seek counseling.

I know how her counselor felt pushing her to go the the doctor.

It's interesting to note that most change occurs during difficult times; someone loses a job so they have to find a new one job they ended up liking better. A man falls off a ladder and breaks his leg and gets to spend more time with his family until he heals. A couple discovers they can't bear their own children so they become foster parents.

In my experience, nothing we ever encounter is wasted in our lives. We learn, we adapt, we are brought to different decisions we wouldn't have made if all other options hadn't been removed.

Here's a challenge: Think about the blessings you would never have received if something bad hadn't happened. In the example above, think of the boss, the doctor, the friend, the apartment sitter. I'm sure each one of them felt terrible for causing pain and discomfort to others. Yet if they only knew the results of their action they'd be if not pleased, at least relieved to know what happened created some good.

It's not always about us; we must release the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' and accept that what looks like Plan B in someone's life may actually be the new birth of Plan A.

*If you enjoy this blog make sure you become a follower listed at the top of this page. Also, my book, Lord, Shut Me Up! is still available on Amazon.com.

When You Experience Stress

Stress? What Stress??

Everyone talks about holiday stress and laments the endless tasks needing to be done.

However, I submit to you that there would be no stress if there were no people in our lives to create stress.

Think about it: Why do we stress out? Because we want the season to be momentous for our friends and family. We want our parents to know we love them by including them in our festivities. We want our children (0f every age) to enjoy family traditions and be able to smile genuinely when displaying their gifts for photo ops.

We even have gifts and stockings for our pets, for Pete's sake! In our family, we have to wait until the dog and/or cat chew open their wrapped gifts before we can tackle ours.

Don't judge us; I bet most of you do the same thing.

So when we experience stress, we must first of all acknowledge that most stress is of our own making. If we're going to lose sleep making mental lists of gifts and of time tables, let's first admit we do it not only for them but for us.

I get a kick out of finding the right gift for the right person. I stress myself out in the quest for the perfect item. When all is said and done, however, I notice that most of the time the gifts are insignificant compared to the experience of the Christmas holiday itself.

Let's focus more on WHY we're doing all of this in the first place. Is it to impress everyone with our ability to 'deck our halls' or is it to celebrate the reason we even hold this holiday dear?

I need to work on this every day of the year. Why do I do what I do? Who am I trying to impress? Will it matter? Will it bless? Will it have a positive influence?

If the answer is 'no' to a single one of these questions maybe some change is in order.

If the stress is self-inflicted the cure must be self-inflicted as well. Behaviors that leave us clutching our chests in panic don't bless. If they don't bless they don't benefit anyone.

Let's be willing to redirect our goals this holiday season. Think about the memories you want to make in your family and with your friends and work toward that.

Since we can't change our reason for stress, let's change our attitude towards it.

Keeping a Clear Head in Times of Conflict

As a child in the 60's, I was taught that life was like the Dick and Jane readers we used in school:
'See Dick. See Jane. See Dick and Jane. See Spot. See Spot run. Run Spot run!'
That was it.
No crisis. No conflict. No turmoil.
So when real life hit and things weren't so simple I thought perhaps I'd done something wrong.
Where were Dick and Jane when I needed them?

It's a big deal when something less than perfect happens to us. It throws us for a loop since conflict and decision-making don't often go together.
We question what happened, what we did, what he did, what they did.
First we are convinced the world is out to get us.
We feel attacked and victimized.
We want everyone to sympathize and hold a rally and stage a tea party to defend our rights.

One thing of note, however: the conflict still has to be dealt with.
Sure, we can stick our heads in the sand and pretend the situation didn't happen.
Unfortunately, we have to come up for air some time.
And when we do the big ugly lump of conflict/crisis will still be sitting there waiting...

Soooo....

That's when all your beliefs come into play.
Are you in charge of your life or is God?
If YOU are, I wish you well.
Except the pages upon which your abilities are written would look more like a pamphlet than a novel. More like a Dick and Jane reader. There are many things you know, but there are probably way more things about life and coping that you DON'T know.

When I'm in trouble or confused and hurt I want to consult an Expert for help. I want wisdom and strength. I mean after all, if I knew everything I probably wouldn't have gotten into trouble in the first place.
Well, maybe I would because I do seem to attract it.

Keeping a clear head when things are disintegrating around you does not require a skill set available to the lucky few. It's got a lot to do with being willing to let things happen without trying to repair the damage too soon; a willingness to be teachable and to allow God to speak to you and hold you protectively while you experience the chaos.

It's about putting your fear and anger on the shelf temporarily, knowing the truth of the situation will reveal itself in due time. You will not surely die, although you may feel like it.

I discuss this in much more detail in my book, "Lord, Shut Me Up!" available on Amazon.com. in the chapter on Patience.

Keep breathing.

Follow My Blog

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick note to let you know I've added the Follower feature to my Wasoblog. If you've found anything interesting and/or intriguing within my writings please become a follower.
I promise it won't be dull and we all may learn something new. Or be reminded of things we already knew.
Whatever.
Please feel free to comment.

Telling Yourself the Truth

While it's a challenge to identify the need to tell the truth and then actually do it, I find it even more difficult to be truthful when the culprit is ME.

Sure, I can admit my wrongdoing when I drop and break something or forget an appointment. Those snafus are obvious to anyone who lives and breathes.

In fact, I'm pretty comfortable apologizing to my friends and loved ones since I have to do it so often; maybe I should get some fancy 'oops' cards printed and just hand them out en masse when I do make a mistake. That would save a lot of energy on everyone's part.

However, what do we do when we know we've really stuck our foot in our mouths, said or did the wrong thing, and there were serious repercussions? Feelings are crushed and relationships are mangled.

After we've worked hard to fix the error there are the inevitable consequences:

The dish is still broken,

The words are still floating in the air after having been said in anger,

The heart is still bleeding although not quite as badly.

Our tendency is to put the episode behind us as if it never happened. We try to pretend everything is cool, although there is a tension in the air as if we're waiting for tragic news.

In essence, we try to move ahead from a painful experience by...lying.

It's okay,

We'll be okay,

I'm okay.

When enough time has lapsed we begin the healing process by excusing our behavior. We try to justify what we said and did. When that doesn't work we start blaming the other person; they made me mad, they don't understand my wonderfulness, they should be grateful I didn't say what I WANTED to say...

But really, let's stop here and finally get real. Face it.

Be willing to pick up the burden of acknowledging that you (yes, YOU)were....wrong.

Wrong

Wrong

Wrong

Oxford Complete Wordfinder defines the word in part: 'to be mistaken, not true, in error, amiss, out of order, treat unjustly, do something wrong to.' And so on.

But here's the thing. To admit wrong doing is not the same thing as rolling around in sackcloth and ashes. No one is expecting you to publicly whip yourself in repentence.

How pointless and tedious it would be to have you endlessly apologize ("Ma, you burned the spaghetti sauce in 1992. Really, it's time to move on already.").

By telling yourself the truth you are making a point that you are teachable and that you can change. That you have character and are willing to take the bad news, internalize it to the point where you grow and then can forgive yourself for what you said or did.

I hate the thought of going through a tough time and not learning anything from it. That means the next time (and oh, brother, there will be a next time) I mess up perhaps it won't be so devastating because I'll have learned from the last time. Otherwise I'm just continually trying to walk through a locked door.

That bumping sound you hear is my head endlessly hitting the wall.

Tell yourself the truth. Demonstrate in your own life how you'd like others to react when they're confronted with truth.

Take a deep breath. Let it out. State internally what you did in this situation. List it and acknowledge to yourself and to God that you blew it.

Allow yourself to experience the regret you feel and the sadness you are experiencing for a short time. Be thoughtful and considerate of the events that just occurred.

Here's the tough part. Get up, keep going.

But leave the burden of guilt and judgement behind. By telling yourself the truth and dealing with it, you've just released yourself from that weight.

Accept that fact and consider yourself older and wiser.

The Truth Hurts

It's really easy to discuss truth and it's merits when it applies to someone else:
THEY should understand the truth,
SHE needs to get her act together,
HE needs to accept what's really going on.

I've discovered that it's an entirely different story when the person who must acknowledge the truth turns out to be YOU.

Isn't it remarkable how even our description of events slants heavily in our defense, i.e.,
"I 'only' wanted to help, "
"I'm 'just' telling you how I feel,"
"I'm 'confused' by your reaction."

The blame, however, sounds like this:
"You're 'crazy' if you think I'm wrong,"
"You're 'selfish' to not appreciate me,"
"They are 'disrespectful' by forgetting my birthday."

As we discuss the value of truth, let's not overlook a very crucial component of it:

Telling OURSELVES the truth.

I think it's interesting to observe the many times I/we/they/you rationalize our own thoughts and behaviors. We don't fully investigate just why we want to do and say this stuff. We go off on a rampage, often with good intentions, trying to do something we think is good and right.

Then we are totally annihilated to learn we've blown it and caused trouble.

Maybe the person we helped didn't want or need it.
Maybe the comment we thought would help turned out to be the worst thing ever to say.
Maybe, with good intentions, we tidied up and accidently threw away Aunt Tillies' ashes that were stored in that old, broken box on the shelf.

Oops.

So after the fact, we are faced with hurt, bewilderment, confusion. You feel shock that something you thought was a good thing turned out to be a terrible thing after all.

Here come the choices you have to make:
1). You could become angry. Self-righteous anger always sounds good at the beginning. You could rant and rave and tell everyone you know how misunderstood you are. Plus the story, over time, will become even bigger and your victimization can grow exponentially.

2). You could become a martyr. There's some satisfaction to be enjoyed when you convince yourself and everyone else how you give and give and THIS is what you get for it.
Mankind might even construct a statue in your honor someday.

3). Or you could do the hard work of trying to see how your action or comment really came across to the other person:
Was I sensitive?
Was I timely?
Did it have to be said and/or done the way it was?
Did I assume a reaction that couldn't have occurred?
Did I try to manipulate or pressure the other person to give in to me?
Was the situation necessary or could it have waited?

Here's the thing about being truthful to yourself: it's HARD. It's hard to admit you messed up if you answer the above questions in a way that reveals your fault.

But it's important to be able to tell yourself and admit the truth.
The truth says, yes, I meant well (maybe) but it was done poorly. I messed up. I need to reexamine my intentions. I need to determine how I can avoid that calamity again.

It hurts. But the pain associated with telling yourself the truth is a healing pain. It isn't designed to maim and destroy but to help aid growth and enhance character.

Think about your relationships. Remember your surprise and delight when someone dear to you admitted they were wrong about something (not that they 'gave in' and you won the fight) and apologized. Recall the respect you felt for their ability to admit a mistake and be strong enough to tell you.

Please don't fear telling yourself the truth. No judgements or criticisms. Just the truth.

Then move on.

Even More About Truth

I'd like to suggest we always tell the truth and here's why:

We want to be safe.

There's nothing like being in a relationship where you are safe and free from fear. Where you know that if someone tells you something you can rely on that information and take appropriate action. Even if the news is painful you are shielded from criticism and rejection because you know the person sharing it has no destructive motives.

I strive to be that kind of person. It's a true honor when someone seeks your opinion and believes what you say. From clothing choices to paint colors to the choice of a mate, it's important to be the person who is known for being truthful and offering safety while doing it.

I was taught that in order to have a friend you have to be a friend. In order to be safe you must offer safety. In order to have someone be truthful you must be truthful yourself.

Again, this goes back to my former blog that discusses our motives. If your motive is to be useful and you desire to tell the truth because it will be helpful, through practice and effort, the same will be given you.

It may not happen right away. You may have to be the loving truth teller all by yourself for a while.

But once your offer of safety is recognized who knows? You may be the catalyst for changing an entire group of friends. Or family. Or church.

And that's the truth.

Telling the Truth Part Two

I was brought up to believe that it is crucial to tell the truth at all times.
That if I got caught lying I'd get a whupping.
That God knows if you're trying to get away with something and He'll nab you.
That it's always better to tell the truth no matter what.

I remember the quandry that teaching put me in when Aunt Tessie asked me if I liked her crocheted toilet paper holder and I really didn't. If I told the truth I would hurt her feelings but if I lied to spare Aunt Tessie's feelings I'd get whupped by my parents AND God.

I couldn't win!

No wonder so many of us would rather float by with a little white lie than to risk the consequences of telling the truth.

On the other hand, I've been victimized by those who grasp that 'truth at any cost' concept and use the truth to grind me into the ground. I've been told I'm fat, stupid, silly, and a bad wife by one relative who commonly used 'truth' to beat the tar out of anyone who protested.

"Well, I'm sorry, but it's the TRUTH!" We'd be told while we're licking our wounds.

Friends, that's not the type of truth I'm talking about. It's not okay to totally destroy someone by our opinion and then defend ourselves by claiming it's the truth. No one is nurtured by that form of truth nor does anyone learn positive behaviors and attitudes from it.

I call that the 'steamroller' brand of truth telling and I cringe when I witness it.

I've seen Moms tell their children they can't have any more candy because they're too fat.
I've heard husbands tell their wives they're not as pretty as the actress on TV.
I've observed parents telling their children they're too clumsly to take dance lessons.

All of these comments, while truthful, are destructive and I'm against it.

I'm not telling you to lie; I'm asking you to rephrase your comment so it is uplifting rather than hurtful. I'm suggesting you deflect questions you might find difficult.

In Bible college we were taught how to answer difficult questions. One great example:
"Isn''t my baby beautiful?"
(Frankly my friends, they aren't all Gerber babies!)
Here's the standard suggested answer:
"My, that certainly IS a baby, isn't it?"

I think it's possible to be totally truthful without being a real meanie about it. Think ahead, don't attack out of anger, deflect.

It can be done.

Telling the Truth

Most people claim that they always tell the truth; they indignantly deny that they lie.
They don't cheat on their taxes, crossword puzzles, or their spouses. They attend church, put in an honest days' work for an honest days' pay. They 'fess up if they receive too much change back from a purchase.

Good for them.

But folks are less-than-truthful when they think someone's feelings might be hurt or they themselves may look bad in some way.

Think about it.

You learn that Sadie is in trouble at work because she wears her skirts too high and her tops too low. Everyone knows about it since it's been a topic of conversation at the lunch table for months.

Everyone except Sadie, that is. And Sadie's a nice girl, she really is. Smart and friendly and very easy to talk to. Ummmm....but probably not about this.

So when she says in a hurt voice that people are looking at her strangely and talking about her and she doesn't understand why and the bosses are grumbling but no one tells her anything and she's going crazy with worry what do you do?

What would most of us do? Lie. We say we don't understand either. It will be okay. We tell her not to worry about it; that she's just imagining it.

But we don't tell her, in true caring fashion, that the problem is her work attire. That we are concerned as her friend and know she's unaware of how it appears to the boss. We don't have any thoughtful suggestions available: maybe a sweater, scarf, or pair of leggings may be helpful.

We keep the information to ourselves even though it kills us to do so; we've been taught 'if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.' We think we're being nice because we don't want to hurt Sadie's feelings.

What we don't realize is that by not telling Sadie the truth we are hurting her even more. We aren't giving her a chance to know the truth so she can deal with it. We are leaving her to fend for herself without the correct information. Ultimately, when (and if) Sadie discovers we've known the problem all along she will be hurt even more thinking we conspired against her.

I know I've experienced painful situations where everyone knew my problem but me. It wasn't about my clothing but actually about ME. When I finally learned of it I felt betrayed that no one cared enough about me to tell me the truth.

So here's what I've developed to help in the decision-making process when I had information and I wasn't sure I should keep it to myself. I ask myself the question:

"If it were me in that situation would I want/need to know?"

If the answer is yes, I know I have to tell the truth because I really care for the other person. I don't want them to be outside the loop, especially if the situation involves their health, happiness, or state of mind.

If the answer is no, if it would make no difference in the final outcome, I keep the news to myself.

More on telling the truth on my next blog.

In the meantime, if you have any comments please feel free to add them here.
Plus, if you want a copy of 'Top Tips for Managing Anger" you can email me @ stlwazzy@aol.com.

ll

The Importance of Priorities

I don't know about you,but I struggle with priorities. Instead of moving gracefully through my day I am guilty of many stops and false starts, as I push relentlessly on until there's no more energy left. Then I find I've spent all my time on something I didn't like and ignored the things that matter to me.

I know most of us are guilty of this. We think that once we do 'one more thing' we'll sit down and enjoy ourselves. Yet once we do take the time to relax, we've gone past the point of no return.

That's when the anger and crankiness sets in and we create conflict in our lives.

Case in point is the holidays. Since they are coming quickly, I'm sure you will remember how it was at your house last year.

Generally speaking, we know what snares we seem to fall into every year and we vow to do things differently. I think we forget, however, once we get our decorations down and house back in order, how stressful it truly was. We forget the time we spent slicing and dicing for a new recipe no one really liked. We buy way too many gifts we can't afford and give them to people who don't need them.

I think we have great intentions but we go about it all wrong.

So here's a few suggestions that might help you finally enjoy the season you work so hard to make special:

1. What do you value about the holidays? Is it the decorating? If so, focus on style and design and forget about offering the little candies and cookies that stress you out. If you identify festivities with food, concentrate on the little details that promote your interest.

2. What isn't stressful for you? If your idea of a wonderful Christmas is taking the kids to see Santa then make that a priority and forget about hosting the big party you dread every year.

3. What do you want your friends and family to remember with fondness (and not quake in fear when they think of it): a white elephant gift exchange when Uncle Leroy got the Billy Bass wall plaque that wouldn't shut up, or the sight of you having a meltdown because the poinsettia print on your tablecloth didn't quite match the pointsettias on your cloth napkins?

It's all a matter of making memories ahead of time. Is what I'm doing right now going to resonate happily as I think back on it later? Do I want to overwork and overplan and underenjoy yet another holiday?
It is important to have your priorities in the right place. NOT what someone else thinks is necessary but what you do well and can enjoy while you're doing it.

Truly, most people don't think about what you did or didn't do at the last family gathering. If you're happy and at ease, they'll remember the great conversation and the fun they had relating to everyone there.

So consider your priorities and let the other stuff go.

p.s. Don't forget to email me @ stlwazzy@aol.com if you want a free copy of Top Tips for Managing Anger.

Look at Your Motives

Something that makes perfect sense to you might seem really absurd to someone else. Haven't we all spent time talking to someone in an effort to get our point across? At the end of the conversation you realize that:

A). They actually got offended by what you said,
B). You are no closer to a resolution than when you started,
C). Nothing between you has changed; if anything it's worse.

I don't know about you, but I get mad and confused when that happens. Of course, initially I convince myself that it's all their fault for misunderstanding my simple statements.

It's important to determine our motives when we interact with others. Sometimes we want to win the point and talk the issue to death. We try every conceivable angle in order to pin someone down and convince them how right we are (and how wrong they are).

I can tell that's happening when the person I'm speaking to stops looking at me. I can REALLY tell I'm getting pushy when they rush for the door!

Often we start a discussion to prove how much we know about a certain topic. You'll know you're guilty of this if people suddenly find other tasks to perform just as you open your mouth.

In determining your motives about what you do and say, take a moment and assess just WHY you want to talk. Is it to:

Help (or they will be harmed)
Notify (they need this information)
Enlighten (be careful about this one!)
Encourage (to observe positives)
Soothe (to provide comfort)
Relate (to indicate interest).

Or is it to:

Educate (because they don't know as much as you do)
Patronize (since you're so smart)
Criticize (no explanation needed here)
Punish (since they obviously know what they did and are playing dumb about it)
Insult (same as above).

Most of us would argue that our motives are pure. What's the harm in being truthful or knowing more than someone else does?

Because your motives come across loud and clear. If you filter what you want to say before you say it chances are you'll notice that really, you just want to be a jerk. A bully.

Try this simple test: Observe yourself as if you were the other person. Notice your posture, your demeanor, your attitude. Then listen to your comments BEFORE you actually utter them.

How does it sound now? Be truthful. Does it sound as harmless as you think (hope) it does?

If it doesn't, challenge yourself this week to filter what you say and how you are received by other people.

Maybe you need to reevaluate your motives.

Compassion Overload (Burnout)

In October of 2006 I experienced what professionals refer to as 'Compassion Overload.'

What it really means is I finally had done it. Overdone it, that is.

For months I had overextended myself by working a full counseling schedule plus taking on a service project that pretty much consumed the rest of my time, thoughts, and energy. I was like the Energizer bunny except my batteries were running awfully low.

I noticed that it was getting harder to get out of bed; every day seemed to require more energy than I could muster up. I stopped being attentive to my own spiritual and emotional needs so that I could hyperfocus on what I felt needed to be accomplished.

I developed a facial tic. As I listened to clients share their deepest secrets I remember wondering if it was 'off-putting' that their counselor's right eye was twitching....

normally I'd have laughed it off but I'd lost my sense of humor.

Friends started asking me if I was all right. I'd shrug it off, thinking they were being overly sensitive. I was always all right. I was the professional, right? I was being encouraged by my co-workers to take some time off and relax. Take a rest. Take up a hobby like basket weaving.

But it got worse: I started crying for no reason. It got harder to follow what people were saying. My co-workers were watching me with concerned expressions on their faces.

Finally, I broke.

Normally the phrasing is that someone 'snaps' like a brittle bone. But that's not what I experienced.

I felt as if what worked only moments before simply couldn't function anymore; like a piece of machinery that had been reliable and productive suddenly seizing up and shutting down.

It began in a counseling session. It was a normal day in a normal week. I think I was in the 2nd session of the day (the details are fuzzy) and I had several more sessions scheduled.

As I listened to my client I noticed that her words were blurring together, becoming unintelligible. I peered at her to make sure SHE wasn't losing it.

Nope. It was me.

Excusing myself, I went into our work office and tried to call Patti, the administrative assistant. I got her voice mail. After leaving a blubbering message I tried calling several other co-workers but couldn't reach them either.

Not long after that, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably in our caregiving minister's office. I was surrounded by caring helpers who know me and whom I trust deeply.

I don't know how long I spent there but the result was this:

I was to go on sabbatical immediately. No thinking of work, no talking of work, no working.

I could not contact any clients (Patti would do that for me, referring them temporarily to other counselors). I was to allow my brain to untangle and to do that I had to let go of everything I'd grasped onto so tightly.

It took almost 8 weeks for me to begin to feel like myself again. During that time my confidence was shaken and I found myself depending heavily on my friends. My friend Joann came and stayed with me while Don was out of town to make sure I was okay and that I'd eat.

Patti formed a hedge of protection around me at work, taking the brunt of client's frustrations that they couldn't see me just then. Brian stood over me with an iron fist, enforcing my care when I tried to weasel my way back too soon. God bless them all.

Burnout is frightening. It makes you wonder if you're losing your mind. You wonder if it's permanent. You wonder if you're drooling.

But I've learned something very important: NO ONE is immune from the threat of burnout. In our busy world and frenzied pace it can happen to anyone. The irony is this: Burnout/Compassion Overload occurs when you get so busy you think the world won't turn without you. Imagine my surprise my first day of sabbatical when I looked around and the world was doing just fine. Without my input or permission.

It taught me that I was more valuable when I took care of my own needs. I've learned to be more finicky with my time and energy. I learned (gasp!) that God didn't NEED my help; He just LETS me help because it makes me feel good.

Burnout has definitely changed me. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I feel it's given me the ability to recognize it's symptoms when I see them in someone else. I'm more careful with my own ministry and career. My health is more important. My life is more important.

My goals have changed. That's why I wrote my book, "Lord, Shut Me Up!" I want to share my expertise with as many people as possible so I can work smarter, not harder.

Please tell other people about my book and this blog. I want to be able to reach people and I just can't do it physically. There are just so many hours in a day and I've proven that I'm not "SuperWazzy."

I have written "Top Tips for Managing Anger" that I'd like to email to you if you request it. Send requests to me at stlwazzy@aol.com.

Take care of yourselves, my friends. Don't let this happen to you.

What it Takes to Be a Counselor

I thought I'd exhausted the topic of counseling with my prior blog entries. I've already discussed why counseling is important, why you should seek counseling and what to expect at a session.

But I really need to address one more important concept:

What it takes to be a counselor.

It's an interesting phenomenon; most of us simply don't understand the interests or passions of others. There are introverts and extroverts, thrill-seekers and folks who just enjoy weekends at home with their recliners and remote controls.

After counseling 10+ years I'm convinced we therapists are thought to be in the same category as dentists:

"I could never do what you do," is a phrase I hear quite often.

Those of us who feel that being a counselor is akin to a 'calling' are often surprised that not everyone would be as thrilled to be in our shoes as we are.

It does take a certain type of person to counsel- someone who has most likely experienced pain in life and has somehow survived it. It doesn't take an intellectual introvert (I am neither of those), or someone who knows how to fix everyone's problems (I think I do but my family has convinced me that I DON'T know everything!).

What it takes is the ability to encourage people whatever the issue and teach them better ways to handle obstacles. Encouragement allows the person to freely think and feel without fear of criticism.

Another vital trait is acceptance. Fear of criticism keeps many people paralyzed in their lives. Knowing that their therapist will listen no matter what and accept them on good days and bad days is invaluable.

I have been on both sides of the counseling desk just as most therapists have; I have been helped immeasurably by therapy. I realized that I could use my enthusiasm and yes, even pain, to guide other people who felt trapped by the same problems. I understood immediately that my own healing, if you will, made me able to help others in similar situations.

Counselors are a weird bunch. Now, those of you who take themselves seriously know I'm not referring to you...

but the rest of us enjoy being involved in peoples' lives. We care deeply about our clients and their families and friends. We think about them when we aren't at work.

But one thing we choose to accept is that we can't solve anything FOR our clients. We can't make life-changing decisions FOR them. So we practice leaving our concerns at the office. It requires a measure of toughness to do so.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I couldn't leave my work at work. My empathy-meter got overloaded and my work suffered. I thought I was being a caring helper but soon discovered that my lack of objectivity was actually harming my clients.

I'll be sharing that experience in my next blog update.

One last thought: I remember interviewing my own counselor, Dr. Dan Wilkinson, regarding his own attitude about therapy. He smiled at me, chuckled, and said it was "as easy as breathing."

Since I was new to my studies and very challenged I thought he must have been especially gifted to feel that way.

Now that I've a few years of counseling experience, I know exactly what he meant.

What to Expect From a Counselor

Since most of us fear the unknown, I'd like to describe a typical therapy session:

First of all, we WANT people to come to us for help in healing. That's what we trained for. Many counselors have had therapy and know how necessary it is.

We strive to make the initial process as easy as possible in an attempt to offer safety and acceptance no matter what the issue might be.

That's why we choose soothing color schemes, comfortable furniture and ambient lighting. Well, most of us do; my office is purple and has a 'NO WHINING' sign over the sofa.

Once the potential client contacts our office for an appointment, they are given the office location and directed to the waiting room. Once there, important paperwork must be filled out to give to the counselor.

This paperwork includes basic information, reason for session, goals for counseling and disclosure and release forms that must be signed. These forms aid the counselor in knowing what direction the client desires to go in therapy.

At the appointed time the therapist comes to the waiting room to meet the client(s). I like to break the ice with a light-hearted comment in an attempt to ease any tension the client might experience in coming.

FYI- it's not unusual for a first-time client to have had a stressful day before our first meeting. Many people get delayed in traffic, get lost, have had a fight with friends or family. It seems to be part of the personal challenge of obtaining help despite the circumstances. So if it happens to you, accept it as part of the process.

I always tell first-time clients that this meeting is my audition. It is up to them to determine if they get a good vibe from me and feel they can work with me through this process. Therapy is inherently challenging; if they could fix the issues on their own they would have done so.

Many people don't know where to start when beginning therapy so I often ask questions from their intake form that will put them at ease. Most times we end up chatting as if we've know each other for years.

The first session is spent just getting acquainted. Some therapists follow a checklist, going over each question with the person and filling in the information. I prefer just relating to the person and getting a sense of whether we can work well together.

I believe in being truthful about my potential compatibility with the client. If I sense something that might hinder the experience I refer them to an associate I believe will be more suitable. It's important to me that the client get the appropriate help with the right counselor.

The initial session is over in no time. The hour seems to fly by. I give my final impressions and encourage the person to take time to think about whether they feel we could be a team.

If so, I ask them to contact our office and make future appointments. And that's it.

I can't tell you how many times my most hesitant client has been surprised that the session was actually enjoyable. It helps lay the foundation for future sharing and learning.

Some quick tidbits:

If you are interested in counseling, remember that this is YOUR time. For once in your life you have permission to have it be about YOU.

If you get a bad first impression please try another therapist. Go to several therapists before you commit to one if you must.Your potential relationship with the counselor is crucial: Can you share with him/her? Do you feel safe? Will this person accept you but not make excuses for your behavior? Can you accept hearing the truth from this therapist?

Whatever you decide, pursue it until you get the helper who's right for you.

Finding a Counselor

Once the decision to obtain counseling is made the next step is to find the right therapist.

There are many mental health professionals listed in phone directories and on insurance provider lists but there are a few pointers to also consider.

It is vitally important that there be a connection between the client and counselor. That bond paves the way for ongoing trust and vulnerability required to move ahead in therapy.

For that reason I recommend you check with friends and associates about counselors they know of or have seen. Most folks have had some type of interaction with counselors and are not shy about sharing their opinion (good OR bad).

Evaluate what is most important to you:

*Do you require someone who is spiritually based or secular?

*Male or female?

*Someone who has lived in your geographical area for a while or does that make no difference to you?

*Do you require a therapist with a wall full of diplomas and certificates or someone who comes with high recommendations but few documents to prove education?

*What about the age of the therapist? I have had many clients come to me initially because I'm older and there is an implication that with age comes wisdom.

*Family values? Does it matter to you if the therapist is married and has kids? What if the counselor is single or has been widowed or divorced? Would that hinder your ability to trust them?

There is nothing wrong with consulting several counselors before deciding on one. I tell new clients at the first appointment that I consider it my 'audition' and that they have to decide if they get a good vibe from me. I assure them that there are other good therapists available and I'm not their only choice; what's important to me is that they get the help they need.

In the St. Louis area, where I'm based, many churches have professional counseling offices open not only to church members/attenders but also the community. In my office we are eager to help the person without an agenda of adding to our church member list.

I hope this article gives you good tips on where to find a counselor.

In upcoming blogs I plan to discuss why I suggest Christian counseling, what to expect in a counselor and what an average session looks like.

I hope you continue to follow this blog for helpful tidbits.

Why We Need Counseling

Counseling has enjoyed an acceptance within the last few years; this generation of people seem to understand its value more than their parents or grandparents did. There are many resources available today through work and many churches. Support groups, Bible studies, men's and women's groups abound that are open to anyone, not just church members or attenders.

However, to many individuals there is still a stigma surrounding the need to obtain emotional help. I remember thinking I needed to work harder at being happy. But it didn't work since I didn't have objectivity.

In the case of individual counseling there is often a 'last straw' that has to occur that brings them in. They aren't enjoying life as much as they used to or they have experienced a traumatic event they simply can't work through alone. Talking to friends and/or family doesn't satisfy since there's always the suspicion that the advice given is skewed in some way.

Marital counseling often isn't sought until the relationship has been shaken often enough to threaten the course of the entire marriage. By then one of the spouses is so fed up the communication is angry or even non-existent. Friends and family take sides and it gets messy to be sure. Interaction can turn into a disagreement over who said what, when, and the motive behind saying it.

That's why counseling is important. Counselors are trained to be objective listeners. There is no "I'm-your-best-friend-and-you-don't-see-it-but-I-do-so-do-what-I-say" kind of relationship.

Counseling gives folks the chance to vent safely, to think out loud without being judged. The counselor's goal is to provide stability and clear thinking until the client can do it solo. The therapist won't take sides against one spouse while supporting the other blindly; the ultimate goal is to bring the couple together in a manner that is equally satisfying.

The trained counselor also brings a sense of acceptance to the session. Hurt individuals feel rejection as they experience life; counselors welcome your hurts, accept your feelings, and guide you toward health and healing.

Therapy today isn't like it's depicted in movies and comic strips. Rarely does talking about issues involve a leather couch and a wizened old man taking notes on a steno pad. There is laughter and tears along with the deep issues the sessions address.

Of special importance is the desire to work together toward putting life in perspective. If we could fix it ourselves we'd have done it already.

That's why we need the help of a trained counselor.

Some Big Changes

Hey everyone.

I want to share with you about the big changes I'm making to my blog.

For a while now it's bothered me to have the ability to teach and minister, the means to do so, but not the courage to do it in a public forum. I'm convinced that there are folks who don't need major counseling; just a nudge here or there will do.

Or those who DO need counseling but can't afford it. Or are intimidated like I was when I first began my own therapy. Or just people who don't know who they can trust to give them the help they need.

So...

I'm going to begin sharing the same info I use when I counsel. It's all rough right now since I haven't done this before.

But the knowledge I have gained over counseling for 11 years, writing a decent (if I have to say so myself) book on anger management, and just going through my own life experiences should certainly make me credible as a teacher.

While I figure this out I'm sure I'm going to make mistakes. Feel free to straighten me out in posting comments. I'd rather face criticism and sharpen my skills than hear nothing.

In the meantime, please tell others about this blog. Read my book. Get your friends and family to read it. Really, it's pretty useful. Just go to Amazon.com, type in my last name and it will pop up. That's my daughter and son-in-law on the cover, FYI.

Let's make our time reading and writing blogs mean something. In the meantime, pray that I'll have information that may speak to your heart. If there's a topic or issue you want me to address (counseling, parenting, marriage, life...NOT politics!) write in and let me know.

Thanks! And let's GOOOOOOO!

Wedding Blessings

Hey everyone!

I wanted to share really quick how God worked His stuff in the planning of Kari's wedding.

There are a few things I do well; I can create and I can execute plans. But I can't do both of those things at the same time...

It used to bother me that I couldn't do everything to perfection. Believe me, I tried.

But there comes a time when you have to learn something reeaally important:

Delegate!

I've got some amazing friends who stepped in to contribute their talents to the festivities:

One extraordinary seamstress who not only made the bridesmaids dresses but also got me out of a jam (literally!) when the zipper on my dress broke,

An amazing baker who created the most delicious and beautiful cakes I've ever seen,

An excellent caterer, a horticulturist, and bridesmaids who know a thing or two about hair and make-up. One dear friend who was a one-woman support system making sure everything could happen in the first place...

Everything fell into place (or fell apart) as it was meant to and the ceremony and reception went off almost without a hitch.

I want to make sure I thank everyone who made my daughter's wedding so special.

What a great team!

Tightrope Walking

Romantic movies about weddings LIE!

They depict the mother-daughter relationship while planning a wedding to be all fancy lunches and fantasys shared over spa treatments.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Planning a wedding is inherently stressful. No mistake about it.

For example: Put two stressed adult women in an overheated car on a busy highway on the way to yet another possible reception venue site and you take stress to a whole new level.

We're talking nuclear meltdown.

I learned so much about myself while planning darling daughter's wedding this summer. I'm no stranger to planning events and preparing for them. I've been around, see.

I learned to lose lots of sleep trying to be creative with wedding and reception decorations.
I learned to delegate and find the best people for the right task. That was awesome.

But my biggest lesson was that despite all my brilliant ideas and how absolutely perfect they were and how much Kari and Gareth and everyone else would love them...

they still had to be approved by the bride.

Imagine that.

I really thought I was helping most of the time, being objective and trying to accomplish what my daughter was envisioning for her wedding. Yet most of our arguments centered around her impression that I didn't 'get it,' that what I was creating wasn't what she meant and I was stressing her out.

That was tough to hear. I thought I was being a saint, really. I hadn't said half the things I'd wanted to say. I'd also had to give up some ideas I thought were fabulous (even if I do say so myself).

Yet here she was, saying I was trying to do it MY way.

We got mad a lot. We cried a bit. We hugged a lot.

I learned to walk the tightrope of making sure I remained balanced in my desire to have this be Kari's special day and not my interpretation of it. Yes, I fell off a few times, landing flat on my face. Each time I was able to get back on the rope and keep going.

Because I really love my daughter. It was my time to step aside as the authority over her life and let it be done her way (um, mostly).

And we made it. It was a beautiful event.

At least in my opinion.

I'm Baaaaack!

Hi Folks,

I know it's been quite a while since I've updated my blog but I can 'splain.

My daughter got engaged in January and my mind exploded.

Pure and simple.

There's a lot of pressure in being the Mother of the Bride (note the capital letters).
Not only are there a vast amount of decisions to be made, the costs to be tallied, but there is also a great emotional expense involved in all of this.

The self control it takes to offer opinions to the nervous bride and know you have no real say in anything is nervewracking.

I know, I know. Most people assert that whoever pays for the wedding gets the final word.

Those folks must not have children.

There's a mysterious dance a mother and her daughter performs that requires dexterity and a selflessness that I fear I don't possess. Toes get trampled (along with feelings) as both women try to make decisions they can live with without hurting the mother/daughter relationship.
Despite my many missteps I THINK our relationship is still intact.

But it took some pride swallowing on the part of both of us.

I've got so much to share with you about the many instances of God's intervention and provision for all of this.

So get ready for waaaay too much information as I debrief about the last 6 months.

It's been fun, it's been awful, it's been challenging, it's been emotional.

And I'd do it all again (with some revisions). What an awesome experience.

Stop Sleeping on the Floor!

Christian service sometimes feels like a competition: How heavy can we make our workload before we prove that we are spiritual enough? We exhaust ourselves with ladies' meetings, Bible studies, committees, banquets, revivals, etc., in an effort to validate our worth.
All the while we long for rest, yet rarely accept it when it's offered to us.

In my counseling office, I speak to many exhausted Christians who want to get off the hamster wheel of ministry and yet fear the downtime it offers.
What will people think? What will God think? It seems selfish to need time to rest and recharge our batteries.

Most of us lack an understanding of our own motives and why we think we need to keep ourselves so harried. Sometimes fear keeps us pushing and striving to BE someone to God. While we strongly deny that we're trying to work our way into God's good graces, the fact is we don't want to take any chances.

We know we're accepted as we are and are assured of our place in heaven if we accept Jesus Christ into our hearts. But many of us still feel we have to overwork to show God how much we appreciate it.

I equate it to someone who's received a really wonderful gift; she's grateful and so sends a Thank You card to the giver. The giver responds with a Thank You for the Thank You. Then the recipient sends ANOTHER card thanking her for the Thank You for the Thank You!

Have you ever had that happen? I've had folks who've almost made me regret the initial kindness because the gratitude threatened to smother me after while.

I'm not suggesting that God grows tired of our praise and gratitude; He's very aware of the value of the gift. It just seems as if we neglect the freedom we are to enjoy due to that gift. There is a sense of having to repay the debt, which is something we can never do.

It can be very difficult to cut back on our Christian duties and allow someone else to lead, to bless us instead. After all, we were taught to be servants in His field. The problem comes when everyone is a servant and no one allows themselves to be served. Scripture states that we are to serve and be served (Galatians 5:13). Many times we take the hard path and don't allow ourselves to just sit and be blessed. It just isn't right to want that kind of care and attention.

For years I felt that service meant to press on and on. Over time I found myself grumpy and anxious. Then one day the Holy Spirit brought to mind how exhilarating it felt to bless someone and how lousy it felt when it wasn't accepted.

For example:
Imagine that you are expecting a dearly loved and long-awaited visitor. You gussy up the guest room, putting on the finest sheets, blankets and pillows. You purchase special indulgences for the guest bathroom in honor of this persons' importance in your live. You don't rest until everything is absolutely perfect.

Your guest arrives and you enjoy a wonderful but tiring evening together. Ushering her to the special guest room, she gushes enthusiastically over its decorations and thoughtful details. You go to bed thrilled at the opportunity to show this loved one how much you appreciate her.

The next morning arrives and you rise early to prepare a tasty breakfast. Going to the bedroom door, you knock and notice that you don't hear any movement inside. Concerned, you open the door a crack and peek inside.

You can't believe what you see! The beautiful bed that you so painstakingly smoothed and arranged for your company is untouched; not a single pillow or blanket has been disturbed.

Instead, you see your guest huddled on the floor in a pile of dirty, used sleeping bags you'd stored in the back of the closet. Opening her tired eyes, your guest sweetly says,
"Oh, it was too pretty to waste on someone like me!"

Aren't we like that with God? He has prepared a place for us, and has assured us of His loving care and desire to bless us. In return, we sigh and keep on working and striving, all the while ignoring the gifts He provides. Gifts such as love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance (Galatians 5:22,23).

I know how aggravated I get when my gift is deemed 'too special' to use and enjoy. I'm convinced that there are dresser drawers everywhere holding extravagant gifts to be used 'someday.' And I'm equally convinced that there are disappointed loved ones who would rather see their gift being used than being stored for later.

How about you? Do you consider God's gifts too special to be enjoyed on a daily basis? Do you find yourself sleeping on the floor, and not nestling into the life of peace and joy God wants you to enjoy?

I urge you to consider your own need to be ministered to as well as to minister. Sleeping on the floor is not a way to express gratitude for the life you've been given. Use the blessings, roll around in them and breathe deeply once in a while.

Think of all the money you'll save on Thank You cards.

Christmas Cheer Overload

I have finally experienced too much of a good thing.
We decided to pare down the gift giving for the 2009 holiday season.

The rules were simple:

$10 limit per person. However, each item had to be handmade, resale, pre-owned, repurposed or purloined from someone else (my idea of purloined is asking a friend if they had something they no longer wanted that I could have). The only stipulation was that each gift had to be nicely wrapped-and the paper had to be old/used/pre-owned as well.

I admit I had a blast obtaining items from random places and wrapping them up. There was a reckless abandon in finding things and hiding them. And I like to believe everyone else had fun as well.

Here's where the problem arose.

We put no limit on the number of gifts each person should receive. So when I had 5 gifts for one person that had little or no cost, I kept looking for ways to spend that $10 on them. I think everyone else had the same thinking, especially when we looked at the Christmas tree and the gifts were spilling out into the middle of the living room. It must have taken us several hours to unwrap everything till it got ridiculous.

Too many blessings! So many cool things we either couldn't remember what we had or couldn't fully appreciate them all. Seriously, we all looked a little exhausted as we viewed the mayhem and madness after the fact.

Over the last week I've been reliving that experience, of feeling overwhelmed with TOO MUCH good stuff. It got me to thinking of how God sometimes metes out our blessings in tiny amounts and we wish He'd be more generous. We look at other folks who have things we'd like to have or have the funds to do things we'd love to do and wish we were blessed like that. We're so certain we can handle it.

But I'm not so sure.

How pointless it would be to receive so many blessings we can't absorb them all. I'd hate for them to go to waste, wouldn't you?
And I'd hate to take anything for granted in the blessing process. I want to enjoy it ALL.

I'm already planning our holiday rules for next year. As much as I loved all the time and attention my family lavished on me this year I want it to be more measured next time. I want to oohh and ahhh over every item and hear the story behind where it came from and hug and kiss the giver.

And I want my God-given blessings to be appreciated the same way.