When to Say 'When'

As our children get older and more independent, it's very difficult to recognize our need to construct new boundaries. Giving a 16 year-old a few bucks to enjoy a summer day at the pool with friends is far different from giving a 25 year-old money to do the same thing.

The former is intended as a treat to enjoy childhood. The second could result in delaying a smoother transition into adulthood.

Confusing? You bet.

The issue comes into play when we as parents struggle with letting our babies suffer.

Even if they're adults.

Think of your own passage into adulthood.

I can understand if your transition story is extraordinarily difficult. Many of my clients were treated harshly as teens and forced to give up their childhoods much too soon. If you're one of those folks, I'm sorry.

Yet we can't go to the opposite extreme and delay the natural maturing process in our children by keeping them dependent on us.

It sounds so heartless, especially since most of us parents usually have more expendable income. I mean, if we have it why shouldn't we share it with our kids?

Because it stunts their decision-making skills (e.g. "if I spend this money on fast food now I won't be able to go to the movies with my friends this weekend...").

It also teaches our children that they don't REALLY have to be inconvenienced (e.g. "I know this money is supposed to last all month but Mom always gives in and gives me more. I can spend this now and she'll help me out.").

What I suggest is that you look at the long-term goals you have for your kids.
Do you want them to be able to do without things and gain a sense of pride as they work to provide for themselves?

Here's the real question:

Is it more rewarding for you to have them rely (read:depend) on you than it would be to watch them be independent?

It's tricky, that's for sure.

For this week, try this:

Don't rush to step in for your adult children to make things easier for them. Allow yourself to watch them figure things out for themselves.

Sit on your hands, hide your wallet, bite your tongue.

Emotionally expect them to be able to make decisions and then live with those decisions.
Eventually they will be better off due to their improved decision-making skills.

And eventually, so will you.

Life After Parenting

As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, it's normal for parents to adapt to the interests of their children.

Believe me, I have no inherent interest in ska/punk music, nor is color guard a lifelong dream of mine.

Yet I have attended countless performances and soaked in endless conversations about the excitement and merit of each activity.

And I've enjoyed it tremendously.

But now I'm left with the challenge of discovering what it is I'd really like to do now that I'm my own person again.

Does this sound familiar to you?

I've actually had to begin jotting down ideas and possible hobbies or studies I'd like to pursue now that my full-time parenting job is on hiatus.
After spending some time to focus on my identity and accepting who I am, what I know, and what I'd still like to learn.

It's been a challenge.

I also discovered that all the limits I've put on myself as far as ministering to others have been lessened greatly; I don't have to rush home to pick up the kids or put them to bed. Many doors are opening to me.

One more thing.

I've noticed that I really like to get rid of stuff. Things I'd collected over the years thinking Kari or Ryan might want them (only to realize they never did and never would) are being purged. Crafts and hobbies that kept me busy at home are now being sent elsewhere.

This is cool except for the fact that most friends my age have the same mindset.

Maybe our joke should be to never leave your car door unlocked when your friends are house purging- you may end up with more dishes and figurines and books than you know what to do with! The Goodwill donation box and I are closely acquainted.

I suggest you begin making lists, trying new things and cleaning out the old things.
It will help you concentrate on your future interests.

But keep your car doors locked.

Loss of a Family Pet

The Wasoba family mourns the loss of our dear old dog, Barney. I want to thank everyone who has been reaching out to us in sympathy.
I know Barney was only a dog, but he was my canine companion for 17 years.
He showed me the value of just being there for someone.
I loved him so much and will miss him.

Barney Wasoba
5/1994-6/2011

Who We Are

As adults it's often difficult to know which pair of pants to wear:
Am I supposed to wear my 'mommy' pants, my 'daughter' pants or my 'spouse' pants?

Let me clarify that I'm not saying to wear your mommy's pants, daughter's pants, or spouses' pants.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that our identity is often wrapped up in who we are to other people: I'm Bob's daughter, Bob Jr. and John's sister, Kari and Ryan's mom, Don's wife, and so on.

But being comfortable with myself as an individual is another matter. It feels kind of selfish to let me be Karen Wasoba (as awesome as that is...).

I've spent years submitting my own wants so that my family can flourish. Like most parents, Don and I have sacrificed for our children, whether it be time or money. It gets easier as time goes by.

Yet when we finally get the hang of it, the job description changes again. The kids have lives of their own, and now we'r free to do what we want to do.

Except I'm not the 25 year old young wife anymore and I'm not interested in most of the things I liked to do way back then (and NO, I'm not talking about plowing my fields or churning butter- I'm not THAT old!).

With many of us empty nesters it isn't a matter of picking up where we left off. It's a matter of re-inventing ourselves completely.

Daunting, yes, but not impossible.

Our experiences should give us confidence to know what it is we don't want to do.

That's right.

Not what we want to do because we haven't been there yet. But what we don't want to do because we've been there, done that.
Our challenge is to reach forward, to embrace new experiences, and to well, wear our own pants.

So as you think about your identity and who you are, give yourself permission to add some new things and toss out some old things. What have you learned and how have you grown as a person? What are your priorities? Interests?

I suggest that you take time thinking about who you are. Right now at this time in your life. What do you like and dislike? What have you always wanted to do (or NOT do)?

Write it down. Step away from it for a few days and then reread your answers.
Give yourself permission to accept who you and and who you're becoming.

Just think: you're designing your own pair of pants.

What Every Parent Needs as Empty Nesters

Have you ever noticed how little attention your work gets until you stop doing it? Much like housework, we perform some activities to simply please ourselves.

Seriously, don't most kids and husbands state that they don't really care if stuff is done around the house or if their socks match?

Until the regular dishes are stacked up in the sink (if they're lucky) and they've run out of paper towels to eat off. And little Joey got on the school bus wearing Janie's Hello Kitty socks.

That's similar to what I've encountered these last few weeks; even my dear hubby commented that I haven't been blogging lately.

And he never notices ANYTHING.

Several weeks ago I led a workshop entitled, "What Every Parent Needs" with an emphasis on empty nesting. I think the information was helpful and those in attendance seemed attentive (even though it began at 8 IN THE MORNING. The person scheduling this workshop must think all old(er)people get up before God does*).

So I'd like to pass this information on to you. I'm going to share this in several segments, so be prepared to take notes.

You will be quizzed later.

Empty nesting can be an emotionally challenging experience. As much as we might look forward to our children growing up and having their own lives it also means we have to have a life too. I know I've spent many hours dreaming of the day when I didn't have to drive carpool; I assumed I wouldn't have to worry anymore.

Then Kari and Ryan started driving themselves to school and I worried even more.

I imagined my own freedom and the opportunities I'd have to indulge in my own interests once the kids grew up and began their own lives.

Except over the years my interests had become what their interests were. There's nothing sadder than a band mom who has no practices to race their child to or real reason to sell Girl Scout cookies.

Not every parent transitions well; I cried Kari's entire senior year in high school. I would sob into my pillow every night, saying, "Babies aren't supposed to leave their Mamas..."

When we dropped her off at college I cried (actually whined) the whole car ride home.
I knew it had gotten out of hand when Ryan said, "I can understand how you feel, Mom, but that was ridiculous."

We've spent years mentally and physically invested in our children, only to be left clueless when they grow up and move on with their lives. Even the term 'empty nester' implies loss and even rejection. I prefer to think of this phase of life as 'winning the lottery.' It's the reward for many years of self-sacrifice.

Some parents feel at a loss as to what to do next. Like me, some of us aren't complete empty nesters because the kids are still occupying space (at least their stuff is- and their cats).

Some of us have adult children who live outside the home but haven't completely moved on from their childish behaviors and rely on us heavily. Many of us are now in the role of babysitter and errand runner while our kids struggle in entry level jobs.

The purpose of this article is to discuss various ways to transition into regaining our own individuality, finding renewed purpose in our lives, and using what we've learned to be a positive example for our friends and families.

But you'll have to wait for my next installment of this blog.

*Just a joke, relax.