A Matter Of Semantics

'I don't mind' vs. 'I don't care.'

Simply stated, what you say may not be what I hear.

I'm often surprised by how befuddled some people are when they get into conflict with their spouses. It's usually men, but women are not immune to feeling shocked when their seemingly innocent comment gets blown out of proportion. Then an argument ensues and the 'offender' feels misunderstood.

So let me clear a few things up.

It's NOT okay to say the phrase 'I don't care' when your spouse/significant other asks you:
what you think
where you two should go
what should be worn
or when asked your deepest opinion about something heartfelt.

For example, say your dearie has made big decisions that involve you in some way.
Lots of consideration has gone into it. Choices have been made. Money has been spent.
All that's left is to reveal the decision to you and for you to offer encouragement and affirmation.

You are speechless. It's a cool thing, what's been decided. You really do appreciate it but you don't know how to express yourself.

Sweetie nervously asks you if there's a problem. Don't you like the decision? Was it wrong or right? Was there a mistake?
"I don't care."

I know what you're really trying to say is that it's great, awesome, unbelievable. You want to express your joy and disbelief. You want to appear willing but then you hear yourself say "I don't care."

Here comes the battle.

Darling doesn't hear "I don't care" as "this is wonderful and I'm glad you thought of it and I'm thrilled." Darling hears "I don't care" as "It doesn't matter what you do or say I'm unaffected and unimpressed. "

Perhaps the best suggestion I can offer is to replace "I don't care" with "I don't mind."

They mean different things, don't you think?

When I hear "I don't mind" I don't feel put down and dismissed. While the substitution isn't perfect it doesn't engender as much aggravation and stress. It's not inflammatory, nor does it tend to be interpreted as a total shut down.

As I've said in previous blogs, we have to be careful what we say. We need to filter ourselves and be open to possible misunderstandings. Be willing to reformat how you communicate with those who mean the most to you.

Choose your words carefully; if not, next time your Cutie won't care if you mind or not.