Being an Agent of Change

Conflict is never easy. My Wordfinder dictionary describes conflict as:
'a state of opposition or hostilities, a fight or struggle, the opposition of incompatable needs in a person.'

A state of opposition. Let's discuss this concept.

When someone or something brings about conflict in our lives, we feel victimized. It feels as if we are being pecked to death by a herd of hens (ever heard of hens? Sure you have...).

It's hard to accept conflict when we're on the receiving end of it; when we have to deal with the consequences of the situation whether we deserved it or not. We are left scrambling to sort out how to regain what was normal in our lives and it's difficult.

While it's hard to adapt to difficulties we didn't create, I think it's even more painful to be the person who caused the trouble in the first place:

The boss who had to give the young single mom a pink slip due to downsizing,
The doctor revealing negative test results,
The person whose friend gets injured or even killed while helping change a blown tire on the side of the road,
The apartment-sitter who accidently set off the smoke alarm in a four story retirement building (yes, that was me).

Each of these examples, to name a very few, demonstrate the burden being carried by individuals who find themselves the agent of change in someone else's life. It ain't pretty.

I've had long chats with people who are worried about the ramifications of downsizing their department at work, of evicting their adult children from their home, of taking back a car or cell phone because it it was being mismanaged.

After counseling for a long time I have to suggest this possibility:

I believe in the possibility that we go through conflict/bad times so we change the path we're on. I believe that many of us stay in jobs too long, at home too long, in bad dating relationships too long simply because it's what we're used to. It gets comfortable to have a predictable life.

But that's not what our lives are meant to be.

We are to be agents of change not only in our own lives, but in the lives of others.

Someone's gotta do it.

For example, several years ago, I met a young woman who'd come to me due to shame over having received a speeding ticket. She was devastated. Her reaction to being pulled over genuinely concerned the police officer who'd clocked her going well over the speed limit.
This reaction was so severe her husband insisted she seek counseling.

Here comes the interesting part.

During the course of our sessions, it was suggested she go to her primary care doctor to discuss possible medications to help her during this time.
It was while the doctor was performing tests on this woman that it was discovered she had the early stages of cancer. She was to have surgery to remove the cancerous cells but they felt they'd caught it early.

What sticks with me in this situation is this: If she hadn't been pulled over, she wouldn't have freaked out, wouldn't have seen a counselor, wouldn't have gone to the doctor, wouldn't have found the cancerous cells and been treated.

I wonder where she'd be right now.

I wonder how the police officer felt pulling over such a distraught woman.

I wonder how her husband felt insisting she get out of her comfort zone and seek counseling.

I know how her counselor felt pushing her to go the the doctor.

It's interesting to note that most change occurs during difficult times; someone loses a job so they have to find a new one job they ended up liking better. A man falls off a ladder and breaks his leg and gets to spend more time with his family until he heals. A couple discovers they can't bear their own children so they become foster parents.

In my experience, nothing we ever encounter is wasted in our lives. We learn, we adapt, we are brought to different decisions we wouldn't have made if all other options hadn't been removed.

Here's a challenge: Think about the blessings you would never have received if something bad hadn't happened. In the example above, think of the boss, the doctor, the friend, the apartment sitter. I'm sure each one of them felt terrible for causing pain and discomfort to others. Yet if they only knew the results of their action they'd be if not pleased, at least relieved to know what happened created some good.

It's not always about us; we must release the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' and accept that what looks like Plan B in someone's life may actually be the new birth of Plan A.

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