When to Say 'When'

As our children get older and more independent, it's very difficult to recognize our need to construct new boundaries. Giving a 16 year-old a few bucks to enjoy a summer day at the pool with friends is far different from giving a 25 year-old money to do the same thing.

The former is intended as a treat to enjoy childhood. The second could result in delaying a smoother transition into adulthood.

Confusing? You bet.

The issue comes into play when we as parents struggle with letting our babies suffer.

Even if they're adults.

Think of your own passage into adulthood.

I can understand if your transition story is extraordinarily difficult. Many of my clients were treated harshly as teens and forced to give up their childhoods much too soon. If you're one of those folks, I'm sorry.

Yet we can't go to the opposite extreme and delay the natural maturing process in our children by keeping them dependent on us.

It sounds so heartless, especially since most of us parents usually have more expendable income. I mean, if we have it why shouldn't we share it with our kids?

Because it stunts their decision-making skills (e.g. "if I spend this money on fast food now I won't be able to go to the movies with my friends this weekend...").

It also teaches our children that they don't REALLY have to be inconvenienced (e.g. "I know this money is supposed to last all month but Mom always gives in and gives me more. I can spend this now and she'll help me out.").

What I suggest is that you look at the long-term goals you have for your kids.
Do you want them to be able to do without things and gain a sense of pride as they work to provide for themselves?

Here's the real question:

Is it more rewarding for you to have them rely (read:depend) on you than it would be to watch them be independent?

It's tricky, that's for sure.

For this week, try this:

Don't rush to step in for your adult children to make things easier for them. Allow yourself to watch them figure things out for themselves.

Sit on your hands, hide your wallet, bite your tongue.

Emotionally expect them to be able to make decisions and then live with those decisions.
Eventually they will be better off due to their improved decision-making skills.

And eventually, so will you.